Im proud of myself

I drove a car today!! and id only had half a klonopin haha

I feel a little better. Ive made it through another week. Now all i have to do is get through this semester's finals... and im good to go. Im going to the beach with my boyfriend's family, so that'll be a much needed break for me and my sanity. I can't wait until christmas.


i live with two bitches and one is a dog

my mom sucks a lot sometimes. when she is tired life is alllll about her and not about helping me with my illness. yeah yeah everyone can be selfish sometimes and im like one of the most selfish people on earth, but still. i wanted to spend eleven dollars on art supplies because art therapy helps me feel better when im not doing so good, and she freaked out. eleven dollars is apparently far too much money to spend on my mental health. like i know there are a lot of other expenses too, i get that, what with the psychiatrist, the counseling, the medications, the hospital.. but still, i just dont get the big deal. and when she turns pissy so do i so now im just in an awful terrible mood.
My life right now just sucks because i get anxiety everywhere i go so i cant go anywhere or do anything.. at school i take double my klonopin dose just to get by. in the grocery store i freak out if people make eye contact with me. i think someones going to push me down the stairs or give me a contagious disease. i dont like socializing at all. i can only go places with jacob because i dont feel anxious around me and he really helps me feel better. i feel protected from all those things when im with him. otherwise i just want to stay in my room and read anne sexton and burn incense until i choke.
right now, im just stuffing my face with brownies. i dont even care that im a total fatass. fuckity fuck fuck fuck it.


Off Abilify!

And loving it! I also finally got back to taking klonopin, which really helps my anxiety. Lately i have anxiety in crowds, in cars, in school.. its exhausting. Ive missed school too much because i have felt overwhelmed and i have an ungodly amount of catching up to do. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing, and when i need cheering up or calming down, hes there. Theres lots more to write about, but i have to jet. Later!


Capture this in a bottle!!

senses dont make sensei didnt know a clock could tick so much
i cant even walk without falling because gravity doesnt work with my body
physics and quantum mechanics are dusty old words in dusty books in the past because nothing applies anymore. i take up space in this space and so does he and we all press on a key and the key presses against us a simple action and reaction force it makes a sound!
people are talking in places and in my little boxes like in the cupboard or something. dave dane DANE COOK is on the box.
my dog trying nto figure out a strategy to eat the bone as i try and type this out. she tries but its too plastic she tries but its brittle she tries and she tries again.
tick tick tick tick on your neck nothing on your neck
a comfy couch is not enough to hold my back and this laptop feels like...
it is a portal.

i wonder who put this clock here and i wonder why and im all alone



I went to the doctor today to see if i have mono or something, because im tired constantly. Could easily be my medications, but its more recent than that. Either way i have to stop trazodone to see if thats what makes me so tired. so now i wont be able to sleep. great.

Cant get off abilify until christmas break. Ugh.

I still eat way too much. My appetite is insatiable.. hmph. It got way better when i was off birth control, so im thinking thats a big contributing factor.

So tired. Dont want to do school work. Don't even want to be awake.



Do you know

how much i just want to give up sometimes? Just stop trying? I try, and it all goes wrong. I try, and its not good enough. Its like im a battery that suddenly goes dead. I need to learn how to recharge before i die (still using the battery metaphor).

But ive made commitments. I cant stop now. I will swallow my pills, and i will keep going.



Anxiety- i hate it i hate it i hate it

I'm trying to manage my anxiety all by myself, with no medication assistance other than the cymbalta which doesnt do anything. no more klonopin, just exercise and meditation and deep breathing for me. I feel like i cant handle it just using those things. I cant. I freak out, i get irritable, there are so many things i simply cannot handle when im this anxious and stressed all the time.

What do normal people think when i say "anxiety" anyway? Anxiety like before you speak in front of a crowd? Anxiety like the first time you drive a car? No. This is NOT that kind of anxiety. This is a rain cloud constantly soaking you to the skin. This is an alarm always firing in your head. This sends electrical pulses to your heart constantly revving you up. I get shaky and im so fatigued mentally and physically from it. I dont know what to do. It's just the way i am.

Is that it? Is it just the way i am?



Quick post. I've noticed a trend in posts recently, and well, not so recently, about sleep. Not getting it, having trouble with it, waking up all the time. I know a lot of us are already on sleeping medications, but for those who aren't, i recommend them. Sometimes nothing else will work. And believe me, any side effects of sleeping pills are worth it (other than drowsiness in the daytime), because sleep is so essential to normal functioning.


This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?

So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences


Me no likey Abilify

The end of a stressful week.

First, thank you to everyone who reads the rambles of my daily life. You read the accounts of other people for a reason, so i hope i help fulfill your purpose somehow. I'm sure these blogs will be a very valuable record for me. And thank you for encouraging comments, which i will try my best to return again. They never go unappreciated.

Well.. It's been a whirlwind of a week. I've had makeup tests up to my neck, schoolwork, reading, papers, etc. My teachers have been lenient and kind, for the most part. The rest of the weekend will be spent tying up loose ends, because our first quarter marking period is coming to an end. It's awfully stressful, but i did it! And im proud of myself. I have some more reading and i need to work on my paper, but im going over to Jacobs and working on it tomorrow. For some reason, homework is much more enjoyable when he's around.

Today i went to retrieve a few things from the hospital that i left there. It was weird coming back without checking in. I felt a little bad for the people inside, but i know its good for them as it was for me. Then, i went shopping and ate at joe's crab shack. It was deeeeelicious. Also, i saw The Social Network, which i really liked. I enjoyed the character of Mark... his personality was so intriguing. We shared a lot of traits. Except, of course, my wit is not scripted =P

It's cold and flu season, unfortunately, and it's hitting me hard. Nose, throat, fatigue, aches. If anyone knows any good homeopathic remedies, let me know.
I think i'm going to go make some hot chocolate!

Oh, and the Abilify problem. It's making me gain even more weight than my birth control and Depakote previously did. Which adds up quite a bit. But, im trying not to let it worry me, because im going on a stricter diet, and im also starting zumba classes! I'm trying to ward off any further weight gain and possbily lose some as well. I hear this is a very common abilify side effect. i just had to buy new clothes because im growing out of all mine! ugh. awful.
ill have to go for a run tomorrow.

farewell, my medicine is inducing sleep!


Back from the Hospital

So, i was moved to an inpatient facility a couple of weeks ago. I just got out a couple days ago, so im updating finally! It was, overall, an okay stay. Very regulated, of course, and when we weren't in therapy we were journaling about our day and telling the doctors how we feel. They took down my Cymbalta to 60 mg, doubled my trazodone, and added Abilify. Just started so im only on 5mg. At least i sleep reeeeeally well. Haha.

I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.

So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.

My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?

 jacob and memphis
Still sleepy. Nap time.

She is so the love of my life.


I am insane

Ive been trying to take a break from writing and live life instead of writing about it.. but i must. I'm going crazy in this house, i haven't left all weekend. I drank too much Friday. I started trazodone thursday and it makes my mind so sleepy. but i like it. i wish i were on something better for anxiety, even though i like my cymbalta a lot and it's supposed to help.

I just get so.... mad sometimes. Not just mad. I mean, i want to cause total destruction. I can barely keep myself from grabbing a big, shiny carving knife and stabbing the people im pissed at. I go to bed dreaming of torturing them and cutting their throats. I think it's absolutely terrible, but i just can't stop it when i get that angry. I know im a "danger to myself or others" but i don't know what to do. I'll talk to my tdoc about it when i see him but the next appointment isn't for a few weeks, for some reason. I've been so depressed these past couple days. I just crashed. I've been breaking pencils, throwing things all around my room, leaving food out to rot, separating all the post-its in the pack.. totally unmotivated to do my work.

I found some poems that werent in my poetry notebook. I found them in an older notebook from earlier days of insanity. They are good, and when i have the energy i'll add them to the poetry book. I started running again, too. Im sick of the weight gain since i started these medicines and im going to start keeping it in check. Also, it just helps the stress... I have to get out sometimes. Even if i'm just walking in the heat, it helps.
I do eat too much, but i don't want to go to the opposite extreme again. That wouldn't be good. I'm reading biographies of Albert Einstein and Anne Sexton. I really want to understand her poetry better, and i feel that's one of the keys to it. I dont seem to enjoy fiction much anymore. My life already feels like fiction much of the time...

JH is coming over again soon. He had to go eat with his family, but im in my pajamas and pretty much confined. Being with him makes me feel so much better. But, alas, i still have lab reports to type and projects to finish. Adieu


If pictures are worth so many words..

Today i will mostly blog in photos. You will understand.
I still did not sleep until around 6 am.. Ive tried sleeping aids. I woke up around noon. I'm a little tired.. i need to rest before tonight's performance. I hope it will go well. The mayor is coming! As well as my boyfriend's family. They're very nice. Until then, i'll merely relax. I must conserve my energy and sanity for it! Speaking of sanity.



Where did this feeling go?!

Sometimes i feel bad for not posting every day like some people. But i must remember it is my blog to do as i wish. A lot of days i just can't bring myself to write. Anyway, today i got up and realized i forgot to take my medicine last night. I took it later on with lunch, and went back to sleep. I slept until 5 pm ! And then got up because call for Peter Pan is at 6. But i realized all day that i felt GREAT! I had so much energy, i was bouncing around, i was smiling and dancing.. man i miss that feeling. I love that feeling, i feel like me again. You know?  My boyfriend could tell how happy i was. I know my brain's just going "Oh, no medicine today guys! PARTY TIME!" But still, its wonderful. On top of that, i added an energy drink, and i felt so good! had a great performance. I want to write, draw, laugh.. its wearing down of course, because i did take my medicine, but i havent taken the stabilizers yet. Those are the ones that drag me down. I may just take a half dose..? Yeah yeah, screwing with your meds is bad, whatever. Tell me something i dont know!

My mind clouds over with suffocating anxiety whenever i think of school starting next month. It's going to be awful. I hate my school, especially football season and all that bullshit. I have extra classes this year, so im going to have tons of homework, along with college apps, and i wont even be able to do theatre due to the time constraint. Im going to wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and sleep... every day... and try not to go back on that rapid roller-coaster. I've had a fairly stable summer, and i'd hate to see that go down the drain.. yet im almost certain it will. Id like to remain positive, but i also cant help but be realistic. The people at my school.. well, they just arent fun to interact with for the most part. Not everyone, granted, but many. It doesnt help social anxiety or whatever. And if there's ever a day where you dont want to be social - god forbid- you become the bitchy loner or something. High schoolers have assbackward logic anyway, so i try not to worry about it.. who cares.

I guess that's all. Nothing much has been going on. Not feeling toooo tempted to SI. Every now and then. Not feeling out of it. Just trying to stay afloat, that's all. Family doesnt help



I am not myself

I am my bipolar self..
tonight, that is. I hate it when they say its all an excuse. Its all an exaggeration. "Im bipolar" is just what we say to get away with shit normal people can't. Of course, we have no LEGITIMATE symptoms; we werent diagnosed by DOCTORS with MEDICAL DEGREES. We dont take multiple MEDICATIONS every night to treat our brains.. Thats nonsense!
Ugh, anyway.
I don't want to take my medicine. I don't like swallowing pills, and i'm already lying in bed. But there could be consequences tomorrow if i dont take it.. Idk. Mania helps me perform, after all.
There is energy bursting through my body like lightning, causing me to vibrate.
Im taking sleeping pills in hopes of calming down soon.. I don't wish to be up all night. I have another show tomorrow night. So far, it's going great. But i get home and take off the smiles.. I get home and out comes the bitch or the emo kid. It's all i can do to channel my pent up feelings into something creative, sometimes.

I'll think of something.
And go take my goodnight pills like a good girl.
And tomorrow i'll wake up and move my arms and legs
And i'll blink my eyes and wet my pants too,
And you can play with me, make me dance and sing!


One, two, three..

All mixed up. Mixed episode? Stress. Anxiety. Lows - missing people. Longing for the past. Reaching for the inner child. Socially retreating. Hard to keep up a facade but i do it. Reading more poetry, catching up on the blogs. Dont have the energy to form full sentences...

So busy! Rehearsals galore! Soooo tired and sore all over. Ive had to ice myself, take hot baths, wear therma care wraps, use bengay, muscle relaxers, pain pills.. I got 13 hours of sleep last night but tonight i jump through my skin. i want to clean. i want to draw. i want to get lost in my own mind. i create my own world. i am there with the natural world - there are children.. asian, african... russian, mexican, brazilian, american.. we are peaceful, we are one. We live in a land of tall grasses and blossoming trees. We live with all the animals of the world, in perfect harmony. No one needs to eat. No one needs to kill. The beautiful moments are everywhere. A young gorilla reaches out his tiny hand and we play games together. The leopards yawn in the shade. I lie among wildflowers and inhale the scent. It's my perfection.

I dont want to cut. I dont want to do drugs. I dont even need a drink.. But i do have so much inside i feel i could burst. I dont know what it is or where it comes from. My exes have shown up in my dreams lately. In my dreams i was very much in love with them still. I awoke feeling... strange. I adore my Jacob, he is everything i could ever want. But i cant shake those dreams! And i dont have time to make an appointment with Dr T before the Pan shows start, so any anxiety will have to be dealt with on my own... Hopefully i dont fail at that.

My head hurts.
My essence hurts.

I am glad i have friends. Sometimes i think its all a sham. But not now.
I am eating whatever food i want. Ive gained fifteen pounds this year and i hate it. But im not going to let it bring me down.. i wont. i cant.

too tired to go on. my love goes out.


Look at me, way up high!

Suddenly, here am i - im flying!
Haha. We had flying orientation for Peter Pan today. We're using ZFX. It was fun, though the harnesses take some getting used to. I have to wear mine the entire show, so i better get used to it. I love doing things like this - being lifted in the air and held by a wire thinner than my pinky! I held my head up and kept a good attitude even though i felt like horrible shit at last night's rehearsal. I think it had something to do with taking those muscle relaxers yesterday and being so tired.
Anyway, all is going well with the show. That's pretty much my life right now, since we start on the 22nd. Outside of rehearsals im doing a lot of resting and taking care of my sore muscles and aching back.

Sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But youll fight and youll make it through
Youll fake it if you have to
Youll show up for work with a smile...

-'A Better Son/Daughter' by Rilo Kiley

its pretty straight up my life. haha.

Is it odd that i find i cant control my own daydreams? I think of something, and then suddenly, something bad happens, and i cant stop it from happening no matter how hard i try or how many times i replay the situation in my mind. I guess its hard to explain without a specific example. This has been happening for years... It often frustrated me. Like if i was talking to someone and then suddenly their head got chopped off by a frisbee, no matter how hard i tried i couldnt finish my thought without that persons head getting chopped off! i dont know.. sigh.

Suppertime. Mmmm.


hey hey hey - its faaaaat ana!

IM FINALLY BACK! ive been out of town, busy, and brain-dead. But at last, i am getting back to life, and actually enjoying it. My body's adjusting to my medicine, and i am finally feeling more creative again! More fun! It's like the chains are falling away.

Im in the mood for change. I sort of cant wait til Peter Pan is over so i can get some more piercings and stop this weight worry :( then again i will probably keep worrying about the weight until i take off the pounds ive gained since starting the depakote

Speaking of Peter Pan, thats going well. I feel pretty successful with my progress. We havent started flying quite yet, and my back is hurting an awful lot.. sciatica and such. I have some muscle relaxers and pain medicine, but they make me sleepy - not preferable when running a two hour show!

I love you all, members of blogville!! I cant wait to catch up again


Poor lazarus..

I stopped writing, sowwy.
Its just....
There is nothing.
Nothing here, nothing important, nothing worth sharing. So much going on. I dont know. I cant catch up. My brain is always on standby. It takes all my energy to get through the stuff i have to do every day. Urghdjgjdhgjhh



No time for breakdowns!

What if we have it all wrong? Who can say for sure that water isn't air and colors exist? Charles Kingsley could be right, the keeper is just a poacher turned inside out!
It's almost 6 in the morning and i haven't been tired yet, i've been up all night. Hopefully that's not a bad sign. Oh well, we'll see.

In other exciting news, I will be playing the role of Peter Pan in my community theatre's summer production of Peter Pan the Musical ! Vair vair exciting. Of course, i'll have to get on that healthy diet thing and do some cardio, i need a kickass lung capacity. And i get to fly! haha. So i'm really nervous what with performance anxiety, but im too excited to notice much right now. All is well.

My darling came home from new york today, presents in hand :) haha. He is very sweet. I've decided i deserve someone who will treat me right, and he treats me splendidly. We're going to watch Donnie Darko tomorrow.

I think i just want to sit in a coffee shop and read about quantum mechanics and discuss philosophy all day...

I guess i had so much on my mind and nowhere to get it out, so here i am! Haha. I've been very good at self control lately. I don't scream or anything much, and i just lie in bed and let sickness and madness pass. I'm a wonderful little actress, putting on smiles when i need to. MY MOTHER who reads my blog behind my back said she's "not even sure" if i have an "illness". WHAT?! Oh, sure mom, people who are perfectly healthy and stable go to psychologists once a week and take seven pills a night just to stay functional. You think this is some show i put on? You think its fun for me or something? That its the easy way out? Hell fucking no. I didn't want my grades to drop, i didnt want to lose some of my best friends because they couldn't handle my insanity! i dont want to drive away everyone i care about, i dont want to have scars for the rest of my life, i dont want to lie awake at night telling the music to stop playing and the voices to shut up, i dont want to be completely unpredictable from one day to the next! It's hell. So shove a little bit of sympathy up your ass. Im only sixteen, for christ's sake.

Whew. Rant over. Sorry, guys... I dont say that kind of thing to people's faces anymore. I'll just get in trouble. I just wish i had a therapist on speed dial, you know?
The sun is coming up and i hear birds outside my window. I may as well go meditate as the sun rises, since im up..

There are lone cemeteries,

tombs full of soundless bones,

the heart threading a tunnel,

a dark, dark tunnel :

like a wreck we die to the very core,

as if drowning at the heart

or collapsing inwards from skin to soul.

There are corpses,

clammy slabs for feet,

there is death in the bones,

like a pure sound,

a bark without its dog,

out of certain bells, certain tombs

swelling in this humidity like lament or rain.

-Death Alone


Im going to get freudian on you

Forgive me if my mind jumps around a lot on this one.

Mother, was i wanted? You didn't plan me. I know you were upset with my father over finances. You wouldn't have needed all that extra money if you hadn't had another baby... I wonder often if i was neglected or handled roughly as a baby. It's not as if i would remember, after all. All i recall are spankings and things. I didn't show it, but i grew up with fear in my heart. Fear and insecurity. Once i was old enough to recognize what trust meant, i realized i didn't trust anyone. I grew up with no close bonds in my family. Mother and father were distracted with their own problems - they are only human, after all. My oldest sister was busy being a teenager, and the middle was preoccupied getting the spotlight as often as possible. I gave up long before i would ever try to steal it from her.
       My father used to play these games where he would chase me around the house, pretending to be a monster, brandishing a belt. I always laughed and pretended to like it. I would run into the bathroom because it had a lock on the door and hide in the shower. I was always very afraid that the real monster inside of him would come out. I remember having nightmares where he chased me around the house with a baseball bat trying to kill me.. with this crazy look in his eye.
       I never saw him hurt my mother. He only slapped me around a little bit, presumably to toughen me up. I saw him throw things and rip the phone off the wall once. I think he pined for a son. He never even had brothers. 
       I like to think i had an active imagination as a child, but honestly, i think i was plain paranoid. I did the usual checking under the bed and in the closets repeatedly for monsters... i checked the doors to make sure they were locked. I had to sleep with my door closed so that i could hear anyone who opened it. My bed had to face the door. I didn't like to play with my back exposed, because someone could sneak up on me. I didn't like going outside at night, because robbers and murderers could hide more easily.
       Around my friends, i was the one who avoided conflict the most, probably because i had enough at home. I was very insecure, especially the closer i came to puberty and when i got chubby in elementary school. I've had body image issues ever since. I got picked on by boys a lot. It left me deeply scarred, and probably led to my anorexia.

It's just interesting to analyze one's childhood, that's all.

Now I need opinions - i haven't had psychotic features before, and i don't think i do now, but i am afraid to speak up in case that is the conclusion that they jump to. Im not talking about the conversations i have with "inanimate" things like the flowers and the moon or anything. Lately i've been hearing more and more sounds... I hear someone playing classical music as if the piano were in my bedroom. The notes are out of rhythm and are very discordant. It's sharp and unpleasant, and makes me want to cringe. I don't like it. Also, i hear drums, too.. In patterns. They crescendo. I never recognize the sounds. I hear muffled voices as if a group of people were talking about me across the room. It makes me nervous. I have often heard someone whispering my name. It sounds evil, not comforting. It's not a voice i recognize.. I don't know. I've heard of Musical Ear Syndrome and certain types of odd tinnitus, but they usually occur in the elderly or hard of hearing people. What do you think?

I don't usually see things by the way. There's the occasional trick of the eye where i see objects in place of other ones (i saw potatoes on my floor one time, when really it was a pile of shoes.. not potatoes) and i see the moon's face move when i talk to it. I see things move in the shadows, sure. I see things in the corner of my eye that run too fast to look at. But that's all. Nothing solid, nothing that speaks to me. I create people in my mind that talk to me there but that's completely imagined, i dont perceive it through the senses.

I heard strange noises in the ceiling last night. I spent most of the night huddled underneath four blankets drenched in sweat, yet freezing cold. I hate the chills. I was a bit nauseous but not too bad. The only thing i really did today was eat with my grandparents. It did require showering and dressing though, which was refreshing. My ex best friend told me he missed me. He would like to be friends again. I have missed him very much, so it made my day a lot better.

The oil spill is breaking my heart, the poor environment.. i cant watch it on TV anymore. It reminded me of a poem, like most things do...

The Earth Falls Down
by Anne Sexton

If I could blame it all on the weather,

the snow like the cadaver's table,
the trees turned into knitting needles,
the ground as hard as a frozen haddock,
the pond wearing its mustache of frost.
If I could blame conditions on that,
if I could blame the hearts of strangers
striding muffled down the street,
or blame the dogs, every color,
sniffing each other
and pissing on the doorstep…
If I could blame the bosses
and the presidents for
their unpardonable songs…
If I could blame it on all
the mothers and fathers of the world,
they of the lessons, the pellets of power,
they of the love surrounding you like batter…
Blame it on God perhaps?
He of the first opening
that pushed us all into our first mistakes?
No, I'll blame it on Man
For Man is God
and man is eating the earth up
like a candy bar
and not one of them can be left alone with the ocean
for it is known he will gulp it all down.
The stars (possibly) are safe.
At least for the moment.
The stars are pears
that no one can reach,
even for a wedding.

Perhaps for a death.


Pacing floors

And i have returned! My brain's been too dull to write.
I've been bumped up on my depakote again.. Today it has me stuck in the land of the Really Really Ill frolicking on the banks of the Shitty River. Sigh.
I havent changed or showered or any of that good stuff, i've been sitting around feeling awful, but such is the life. Tomorrow i may feel grand.

Also, i'm always a little stressed between auditions and casting. I had auditions and callbacks for Peter Pan the musical earlier this week, so we'll see how that goes. I was very sore, i simply must get back in shape.

Anyway, like i said, brain dead. I missed some medications this weekend and had a minor breakdown.. throwing things, crying spazzes, cursing and shouting at people, etc. I was very irritable. I sat in my yard and talked to the moon again for a long time. I thought i was responsible for all the death in the world. Hm.

Also, I went to see Robin Hood, it was epic as fuck.

i sleep so much. I wander around in house shoes with my blanket wrapped around me because i am always cold. I am about to go eat some tofu and broccoli, even though eating isn't very appealing currently...

Refreshing myself on Freud is pleasant though. If only i didn't get mauled by mosquitoes every time i went outside id read in the shade..

I'll be right back.

Anyway.. Im getting nauseous. Ugh. im going to be up for a while, i like the night anyway, but still. i just wish i could sleep until something stimulating comes along. Ive been inking again.. By that i mean cutting and inking it in, it fades away eventually but im not supposed to be doing that anymore. Its only been a little bit though. It's not like it hurts, i don't do it as an emotional release anymore. It's just an endorphin addiction, perhaps :) Feel-good chemicals are released by all pain, after all. It just makes me feel better, like a drug. At least im not actually doing drugs, much.

A good friend of mine found out his girlfriend may be bipolar. From his description, she reminds me almost exactly of myself at my onset. Closing off, doesn't want to be a "burden", swinging but has a tendency toward depression.. It makes me feel better to know that i can use my experiences to help others through the confusing times, because im sure she doesnt know what the fuck is going on in her mind right now. Welcome to the club, S.

On my latest DSM symptom check i still meet 7 of 7 symptoms for mania and 7 of 9 symptoms for major depression. I think i am just going to settle into the illness, because it is a part of me. I don't think i would function without it... I'd be lost. Do we let these illnesses define us? I dont think so. But maybe we have to.

Keeping Quiet
by Pablo Neruda

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

This one time upon the earth,
let's not speak any language,
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be a delicious moment,
without hurry, without locomotives,
all of us would be together
in a sudden uneasiness.

The fisherman in the cold sea
would do no harm to the whales
and the peasant gathering salt
would look at his torn hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars of gas, wars of fire,
victories without survivors,
would put on clean clothing
and would walk alongside their brothers
in the shade, without doing a thing.

What I want shouldn't be confused
with final inactivity;
life alone is what matters,
i want nothing to do with death.

If we weren't unanimous
about keeping our lives so much in motion,
if we could do nothing for once,
perhaps a great silence would
interrupt this sadness,
this never understanding ourselves,
and threatening ourselves with death,
perhaps the earth is teaching us
when everything seems to be dead
and then everything is alive.

Now i will count to twelve
and you keep quiet and i'll go.


The Second Coming of Fish-Eye

that is the title of a long poem i am working on. it is based on one of the people i imagine, one of they who keep me sane

I always say i will update, then i just post anew, haha. Lies, lies..

I constantly hear that people are hopeless when they believe nothing matters in the end. They find no motivation, no reason to carry on. I thought about this as i walked along this afternoon.... Believing that nothing *matters* in the sense that people typically mean gives me a feeling of total freedom. It makes me much happier. It isn't stressful, it doesn't cause me worry. All i have to do is be alive, i can concentrate on my constant curiosity and analysis of things. I can spend my life exploring and appreicating what has been put around me on this world, in this particular reality i currently exist in.. If i could explore other realities, alternate universes, i would be a happy camper.
Anyway, I suppose people don't make much sense to me, sometimes.

One of my favorite poems of all time - "Bestiary" by Pablo Neruda. I feel as if he wrote it while looking at my soul.

It is, indeed, frustrating... infinitely frustrating.. to be so seemingly limited in communication with the world outside of humankind. interaction is possible, but it is not the same... i wish it were, the limits are so unfair! There must be some further means of conversing, something outside of traditional language. I have to find the secret. If i must become part of the Earth to fully understand, so be it. Until then i won't stop striving.
I love it all too much.

I am on the decline yet i feel magic. And sort of electric.

I would like to crawl down
into the furnace and let
the plastic melt from me, so i
may be born.

a shell fell into my arms...
knocked down by the storm
a little earth womb between my
clumsy fingertips.

This is the room where my demons live
The walls are blank stares since i took my past down
As if that meant it didn't exist..
Bookshelves lined with worlds and the corner
where i used to cry out for my soul, to pray,
looks lonelier, even, than I. Pitiful.
It begs me to pick up those books, to kiss them
And hold them like holy children again.
Pages and pages waiting to claw my eyes out
with memory and feeling..
Dresses hang in closets without bodies
And nobody to love them.
My old camcorder does not work.
But if it did, there would be nothing
worth capturing
for later

Just old scribbles. See you soon.


Your heart and mine

There is plenty to write about, but i doubt i'll remember the half of it.
Medication rising, stabilizing. But that's whatever. I'm almost into some good free time.. Hopefully my parents will take their pissy pants off soon. they worry and care and blah blah, okay cool, but shit, if you think im making a mistake let me fucking learn from it, okay?
Oh well.

It seems im told to seize the day, yet when i try, im bitched at for not planning enough for the future. Why do i suck at happy mediums?
Oh wait, thats right. Im goddamn bipolar.

Also, i'm really tired.. I feel like i should have more energy than this. Like my human system should be a little more efficient.

My brain is a dead zone.
I think Mother nature set a spark
in the hearts of our developing minds
our advances in consciousness
but we turned it into a forest fire
of greed and arrogance....
utter destruction


I hope nothing matters in the end.

This post will be updated soon.


Not a Duck Duck Duck

not a goose goose goose... haha

3 hour absorption rate? Nox

Mother, let me into your luscious caves. Do not hide secrets from me in your caverns. Even the rosebuds are withering, caked in their own blood.

our intellect assumes instinctively that the world is motionless, things are there and motion is added to them as it were. we try to reconstruct motion starting from motionlessness, but in reality it is motion not things that is primary. things are not entities to which motion is added but mental crystallizations of motion..
it seems to follow from this that the world is essentially mental, each of us is a physical body moving among other physical bodies and subject to all the laws of the physical universe..

created ex nihilo?
i wonder what the world is like apart from my consciousness. not as an object of my perception.

but there is hair burning in the stove, darling, why cant the children spell u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e?

I have had a wonderful day. i smell like boy.


Good Vibrations?

An excess of light.

I am feeling something like an old friend who has grown into a stranger. Something i havent felt in a long time. I like it.

Stable. Normal. Happy, without jumping into hypo. This is so weird.... It never happens...
Social anxiety on a low. Self assurance on a high.

Maybe the new 750mg Depo actually works for me. It's been a long time since i found something with good results.

I heard some lovely tunes today, the music made me see such astounding colors in my mind! It was great. Therapeutic, meditative, and mind blowing.


No one ever creates anything great without a dash of madness.


Symbiosis and Leibniz

God, according to Leibniz, is the necessary being which constitutes the sufficient explanation of the totality of contingent things–why the universe is this way rather than any other...

"Human minds are only only aware of a small fraction of the universe. To judge it full of misery on this small fraction is presumptuous."

I've been reading up on and thinking about why humans keep pets. I know they (earlier humans) formed alliances with animals out of necessity (oxen for labor, herd dogs, etc).. But in these days the relationship between owners and their pets seems different, like the pets get all the benefits. So what do humans get out of it? I mean, obviously we like the affection, and caring for something. We're "wired" to be attracted to baby-like faces and to things that need us. Perhaps it's an emotional necessity for some people. Pets become like family members with names and personalities. They're often very easy to communicate with, especially dogs and other social animals (since we as humans are also social animals). We welcome them into the pack, and they readily accept it. Our connections with other species are so important and we so often neglect them

Anyway, just a little thing. I'm exceptionally stable today. I saw my pdoc earlier, only for five or ten minutes so she could up my Depakote and and assign some more bloodwork. But i guess just going makes me feel better about it.

I was put in situations today where, unstabilized, i would have had angry outbursts, crying spells, anxiety, high irritability, and low self esteem. But for the first time in a VERY long time, i was able to talk myself down. I'm almost never that 'in control', and it took a lot of self-encouragement and distracting myself.. and writing. But i mostly wrote abstract ideas, maybe ill put them into poems later.

Strange how we are so animalistic yet we only began to realize it as we became more advanced. We like iambic rhythms that match our heart beats, we like sounds we heard in the womb, we like safety. We are so attracted to the comfort zone which corresponds to the survival instinct.
  And yet sometimes, i feel completely opposite.
Pethaps compassion makes our species less efficient.

I need to learn new languages. Fascinating, to transfer sound into different ideas. My numbers have colors. The brain's patterns of association are incredible.... When im on a high, it's even more astounding. I can weave the webs between the stars like i said before. Every single idea and sound and picture in the world is some sort of grass blade and my mind is the entire complex root system. Sometimes i miss it.

Time for poetry, no?

A thousand voices
Rising to static
Shrieking through windows
Nothing new

Here come the heroes
Strutting down
Soon to be names
In dusty old books

This ceremony, a weddding trail
A gold medal, as important
To your sanity
As pills in a cup, angel

Does the noon star sing to you?

My world is the one
Of dirt under fingernails
Scratches on mauve
And grey walls.

Dusty halls
There lie hollow eyes
In the rabbit skull

I will seek
And i will find
The mines
Where the crazies reside

There they
eat each others' toenails
And hee haw at songs
A fetus sings

There i will flourish like David in battle.


Walking in Circles

I pace a lot now.
My body is adjusting better to the new stabilizers, im not feeling like shit all the time. just, you know, often.
I'm concentrating a little better in school.
My teacher had a "talk" with me today about my "issues". It's kind of nice to know that someone notices and cares, though. Most pass me off as lazy or distracted, even though i have always been a brilliant student

I walk in circles. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor freezing cold the other night.
I woke up with puffy eyes from crying.

So, normally, i have social anxiety.. That means shaking, sweating, stuttering, the works. Today i had an interview! The pressure makes it like ten times worse!
But i think it went okay and that makes me happier, a lot happier.
I have a project to do today and im not looking forward to that :(

I just want to run around ten miles a minute but also i kind of want to lay down for ten years.



From a journal entry

"Lune is my best friend
Lune looks me in the eye
Lune knows sadness and silence
Lune talks to me when everyone else sleeps and dreams
Lune is caged and limited
Lune does not wander far, Lune waits for the stars to burn out because they are boring!
Lune sees me in the grass with my toes and deep eyes and focuses the light on me
When the clouds make Lune go far away, i am sad, because that means our whispers are muffled
Lune does not die
And Lune speaks to my body threads
so i love Lune
Because i know Lune will never ever leave me"

That is what happens on a high, i am pulled away from my human companions and into my otherworld where the moon, Lune, is my best friend
I could sit for hours and stare at the sky and pour out my thoughts.
Tonight i cannot sleep.
I am adjusting to my latest meds and am feeling rather like i felt before i started them...

My favorite book is The Eleventh Hour. I can recite almost all of it from memory. When i am sad and crying and shaking and panicking, i can usually say it over and over to myself in a meditative way to calm down. I see it as a grand metaphor for the world.... maybe i will explain that later

I could post a poem now.
This is a rough one...
I never knew what to title this one. something about A Monster Named Wednesday.

I am soft. You cannot touch me.
I havve a machine.
I press pretty buttons
And change my mind
one lever at a time, one
after the other. Perfect.
Like little paper dolls.
Dont frown in the mirror all the time!
Build the great wall
Around your sullen eyes.
After all, dolls die
When no one loves them anymore

Me? I was afraid of their wide eyes
So i stayed home
And ate chinese.
I was afraid that you
had more than me
So i never left home.
I locked my plate, crawled into a cave
and gnawed on the flesh of the holy.
the smallest pixels danced for me in leaps
lit sparklers
in my ears, rather
like cocaine.

but i have little soldiers
who march in blue
to take my blues away.
Drum! As the moon looks
through his telescope
('cause he always was a pervert
and lit paths for sinners).

Now sleep!
Sleep, and hope you wake up
with the same face on.
What do stars do while you dream?

Sunday is Easter.
Rocks will fall into the sea.
The Sea bleeds.

and thats all, folks.... hmmm. i feel bland.
humans are so inefficient.
goodnight, fellow robots.


My letters to the moon

Hypomania emerges again... I'm taking my depakote religiously, so maybe i'll have to add something.

I had rehearsals and a show tonight and i spent all day with this energy, i was able to talk to people and smile and sing. I could focus on everything i was doing. I felt really good. It was a nice day. I made all these plans... plans to have parties, to take vacations, to try career paths. Man planning my future is one of my FAVORITE things to do when any kind of mania is ahead of me because of all the possibilities. I wanted drugs and sex and rock and roll! I wanted to buy makeup and earrings and shoes and a puppy...

Maybe its just the summer sun getting to me

But i think i could write something worth a shit tonight!
I feel like an empty shell of nothing at all when i dont write...

I just laugh. I laugh at pleasure and pain and anything at all.
My mom tried to get me to eat meat. my family always tries to do that. when will they understand i DO NOT EAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURES! i dont care if other people do, but i cannot physically make myself. It feels like eating my own sister or something...

shit, i had the best veggie lo mein of my life today.

subject to subject? yes, my thoughts are flying. i need to blog just to keep track of anything that goes on in my mind, i cant write fast enough.

wowwzywowow. sometimes i want to die so much and sometimes i am SO scared of dying..
do you ever think hospitalization would just be a nice quiet break where everyone expects your "craziness"?

.......All i can think about is the chicken salad. chicken salad. the fridge. ugh.
why am i so violent sometimes? oh and unsympathetic and cruel. but only to people, never to plants or animals or rocks or fungi.

sometimes i wonder about reincarnation and what i could come back as and what i used to be and all the things i could become in the course of eternity. i mean, i usually dont believe in that, but its a neat idea

perhaps i could even be a drop in the ocean


We Are The Freaks

They don't like us. We are not normal.

We do not confine ourselves to logic and reason. That scares them. They do not want to be scared.

We are the crazies..

Do not be fooled. None of them will understand you.

Our world speaks in colors and they cannot read our languages.

When everything is sharpened, or the entire world is worthless.. the crazies reign. We have knowledge beyond their comprehension.
They are afraid.

We do not change ourselves for them, because we are gifted beyond measure. We do not waste our gifts on their less significant life-forms...
that would be crazy



Dissociative Wednesdays

So it's mid-week.
It's going like i expected. It sucks. School is just a big shit-fest, i wander class to class like a zombie. I feel awful. Went to see my tdoc for a long time this morning, though. Since i just came down from mania, im reeeeally fucking down, but i should level out soon. I hope to zeus he's right.
I have tests and projects and finals and shit just when i start to feel my worst. Sometimes i wish mania had better timing. We've been talking about how im really sadistic and impulsive and shit, and if i get out of control i could become homicidal/suicidal/whatever. So over the summer i may require hospitalization. Which is whatever... Ive never been hospitalized for it but i think itd be an interesting experience...
I just want some goddamn margaritas, i mean its Cinco de Mayo for crying out loud!
Just trying not to get overwhelmed :(

Geez, i feel so much more sane when i write on this thing. I'm not being shunned out of some cookie cutter world that i refuse to fit in to. Im not criticized for my lack of being boring and normal..

I want to read "When Rabbit Howls"

Don't want to do anything... It's only six thirty and im in pajamas and a sweatshirt. Its ninety degrees outside, so why is it a meat locker in my house? Ugh. I may sneak out tonight and roam around. Or sleep outside. That'd be fun. I cut my hair earlier. I love cutting my hair. I just trimmed the layers. The more choppy and fragmented it looks, the more it reflects who i am....

I write a lot of poetry, so i'm going to have to start posting some. There's a LOT i dont share with anyone. Im sure my parents have read it because they go through all my fucking stuff, but whatever.

I also think it's funny that they threaten me with things like alternative schools and all this other shit. Like im scared of that? Please. I keyed this guys car today because he's an asshole and my friend was like "What if they lock you up?"
I say "Then i'll take that fucking psych ward by storm!"

Enough of this. Update later!


Second post of the day.. Ive gotten some more down time. And nights are better for me. its about midnight. Things become sharper at night, sounds more distinct.

I have to get up rather early tomorrow and im going to be so lazy all day. I could maybe swing a sick day, since ive just gotten on new meds and theyre wrecking my digestive system.. i dont know. it will be awful, of that im sure.

what i cant stand is the numbing of the mind. my creativity becomes wiped out, like a cleared etch a sketch. I can only summon up tiny remains of what i have when im high - when colors fly and melt together and paint the world. It's like words and lines used to be stars in the sky, and i could spin webs between them with merely my fingertips... And now the night is completely cloudly.

Its awful.

Ive got to have my blood work done tomorrow. It fascinates me. I cant see Terry, my tdoc, until wednesday... sigh. I love my sessions. I wish i could stay there all day. Which is a nice change from the crazy ladies i had for the first two years of therapy.
I took melatonin to add some extra drowsiness, so i hope it acts quickly. Nighttime is when my state becomes hightened, whether mania, depression, or numbness. I like staying up to the point where im so tired its like being drugged..

They dont understand that i used drugs to bring my brain down. that i was so high above everyone and i couldnt stop thinking and thinking... i just wanted peace and silence like a normal person every now and then.

the medicines... on one hand i dont feel like a crazy motherfucker. on the other, my creativity is something i cherish greatly.
what to do, what to do?

Anxiety and stress, i see youve returned! oh joy. Also, im eating SO much right now that i dont know what to do. Its literally frightening. How do i deal with that?

the blogworld makes me feel not-so-lonely. i have my own world, my own community of folks who understand. Practically NO ONE around here understands.
Sweet dreams


Hi, blogosphere
I'm starting a new bloggity. My old one dealt chiefly with my eating disorder, but ive been "recovering" for a while. I'm writing this mainly for my benefit. There's something about getting it all out there where anyone can see...
Feel free to follow along on my journey through this existence.

I should try not to use real names, because my family and friends are nosy-ass bitches like you've never seen. I almost had to shut down my other sites.

I go by Ana here on the interwebs. Nice to meet you. Lets chat sometime.
I'm only sixteen. I've been seeing psychologists for a few years. I was a unipolar depressive and GAD for a while. I've tried Paxil, Cymbalta, etc.. I havent had normal sleep patterns in years, and i can't concentrate worth a fuck most days in school because of these damn medications.
I'm the right age for the onset of bipolar, which i was diagnosed with only this year. I've just gotten on mood stabilizers.. first try: Depakote!

So far, ive had tremors, sweating, nausea.. I just feel like shit a lot. That's probably also because ive just come down from a manic episode. When im up, im fucking up, man. Drinking, drugs, sex, rebellion, risk, irritability, total bitchiness, no sleep.. I wrote a shitload of poetry and it was amazing.

Since ive come down, i cant write worth a shit, i sleep, i eat like a fat ass.. It sucks.
Thank Zeus there's a Law & Order SVU marathon on today.


they think im crazy because i talk to flowers and plants and animals. But everyone does that, really... everything in the universe communicates with everything else, thats how the world works! Just because i try harder than other people to connect with the universe doesnt mean in psychotic, shit. i say this because i planted some baby flowers in the back yard and i need to go check on them..

The past month has been one big blur of doctor's visits and boredom. I went through a breakup that triggered one of the worst episodes ive ever had. He was such a jackass. I hope his children get raped in front of his face one day. He's caused me to become crazier than i ever have been, and he abandoned me because he "couldnt handle it." What the fuck? Did he think about how hard it is to LIVE with it?

Sorry. Ranty McRanter.

I need books to read...

My brain feels completely dulled down. I dont want to do shit. But i still have a lot of racing thoughts. I just jump from subject to subject. It's sunny outside... I love sunlight. I need to get the fuck out of this house, but im sort of scared to go anywhere. I get social anxiety like nobody's business.. And to look socially acceptable i have to put on clothes that arent pajamas and put makeup and shit on.. Perhaps even take a shower. No thank you...

I have to try so hard just to get through without being locked up or some shit. I have to get through school. At least there are only a few weeks left. You gotta learn to say the right things to the doctors, keep them thinking you're staying afloat. Take your pills like a good little girl.

Enough rambles. I'll post more about the crazies later.

"Maybe the room is filled with water, and maybe i am actually a goldfish: