Well, im not nearly as sick as I have been. But boy, have I been on an emotional roller-coaster. I've felt terrible, then peaceful, then good, then shitty, then sad, then okay, then angry, then great, then happy, then fucking ridiculous. Its so much i can't even give any details. But, I'm just struggling with choices. Putting myself into situations that may not turn out so well. My reactions to things. Holding my tongue - that's a big one. I let my heart run ahead of me and I say things I later regret.
Overall, the past couple of days have been great. There are minor issues here and there that get me worked up occasionally, but i've done an exceptional job at keeping my chin up and remaining happy. I'm getting used to being me again. Getting used to being unattached again. I can't wait to fully recover from this latest episode and move on with my life. Deepen friendships, have good times, form great memories, and find wonderful people to love. Especially a nice boy. I'm not worried about it, I'm not one of those people who needs relationships to be fulfilled. I just realized that I really deserve a good guy, a good relationship. I deserve to be treated properly, so I'm going to make it happen. Good things come to patient people. I'm just letting the events of my life come as they are, going with the flow. Trying to keep up with school (been hard to concentrate lately - medication thing? I dont know what to do about it), trying to keep up with responsibilities and commitments, but accepting my limits. Knowing where I need to stop to stay healthy. Its a work in progress, and it'll always be something i'll have to think about, but i'm getting better every day. Im stepping back and doing what i need to do, what's good for me - for the first time in a while, i'm truly proud of myself.
I've realized what an amazing support system i have around me that i haven't been taking advantage of. I have so many friends and sisters, and even the ones i'm not as close to, i can still depend on. Ive been having many heart-to-hearts, good conversations, great times, and bonding experiences with people lately. Like i mentioned, my friends all came and took care of me when i was ill, even cleaned and mopped up my room. My dear friend let me cry on his shoulder the other night, and kept asking me how i was doing and if i needed anything. He came outside in the cold at 3 in the morning to talk to me. My other friends always let me vent or give me advice/opinions when i need them... they are always there to listen. I am always there for them as well, and it just amazes me that i haven't opened my eyes to this before. My friends care about me so much that they don't care if i don't like it when they get on to me for slacking off, for making stupid decisions, for letting people walk over me. They will tell me honestly what I am doing wrong and offer any help they can to fix it. I can never thank them enough for what they do. They keep me going. That is what I am thankful for this next week of Thanksgiving.
Im not going to settle for less than I deserve. I'm not going to put myself in a hole again by making poor choices or not taking care of myself. I am going to fight a good fight. I promise myself this.
I wish you peace and good health,