Pacing floors

And i have returned! My brain's been too dull to write.
I've been bumped up on my depakote again.. Today it has me stuck in the land of the Really Really Ill frolicking on the banks of the Shitty River. Sigh.
I havent changed or showered or any of that good stuff, i've been sitting around feeling awful, but such is the life. Tomorrow i may feel grand.

Also, i'm always a little stressed between auditions and casting. I had auditions and callbacks for Peter Pan the musical earlier this week, so we'll see how that goes. I was very sore, i simply must get back in shape.

Anyway, like i said, brain dead. I missed some medications this weekend and had a minor breakdown.. throwing things, crying spazzes, cursing and shouting at people, etc. I was very irritable. I sat in my yard and talked to the moon again for a long time. I thought i was responsible for all the death in the world. Hm.

Also, I went to see Robin Hood, it was epic as fuck.

i sleep so much. I wander around in house shoes with my blanket wrapped around me because i am always cold. I am about to go eat some tofu and broccoli, even though eating isn't very appealing currently...

Refreshing myself on Freud is pleasant though. If only i didn't get mauled by mosquitoes every time i went outside id read in the shade..

I'll be right back.

Anyway.. Im getting nauseous. Ugh. im going to be up for a while, i like the night anyway, but still. i just wish i could sleep until something stimulating comes along. Ive been inking again.. By that i mean cutting and inking it in, it fades away eventually but im not supposed to be doing that anymore. Its only been a little bit though. It's not like it hurts, i don't do it as an emotional release anymore. It's just an endorphin addiction, perhaps :) Feel-good chemicals are released by all pain, after all. It just makes me feel better, like a drug. At least im not actually doing drugs, much.

A good friend of mine found out his girlfriend may be bipolar. From his description, she reminds me almost exactly of myself at my onset. Closing off, doesn't want to be a "burden", swinging but has a tendency toward depression.. It makes me feel better to know that i can use my experiences to help others through the confusing times, because im sure she doesnt know what the fuck is going on in her mind right now. Welcome to the club, S.

On my latest DSM symptom check i still meet 7 of 7 symptoms for mania and 7 of 9 symptoms for major depression. I think i am just going to settle into the illness, because it is a part of me. I don't think i would function without it... I'd be lost. Do we let these illnesses define us? I dont think so. But maybe we have to.

Keeping Quiet
by Pablo Neruda

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

This one time upon the earth,
let's not speak any language,
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be a delicious moment,
without hurry, without locomotives,
all of us would be together
in a sudden uneasiness.

The fisherman in the cold sea
would do no harm to the whales
and the peasant gathering salt
would look at his torn hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars of gas, wars of fire,
victories without survivors,
would put on clean clothing
and would walk alongside their brothers
in the shade, without doing a thing.

What I want shouldn't be confused
with final inactivity;
life alone is what matters,
i want nothing to do with death.

If we weren't unanimous
about keeping our lives so much in motion,
if we could do nothing for once,
perhaps a great silence would
interrupt this sadness,
this never understanding ourselves,
and threatening ourselves with death,
perhaps the earth is teaching us
when everything seems to be dead
and then everything is alive.

Now i will count to twelve
and you keep quiet and i'll go.


  1. Maybe others see things differently, but when I integrate my psych problems into my identity, it leads to despair and helplessness. Labels are good or bad not because they're true or false, but to the extent that they're useful for treatment. Sure, brain neurology and upbringing dealt some of us a shitty hand, but our existence goes boyond the shittiness, beyond emotions, beyond thoughts, beyond relationships.

    I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You can disregard this if it's not helpful.

    Good luck on the auditions!

  2. Haha, responses are always helpful. My therapist did warn me about labeling myself too much, because words are just used to communicate ideas, and 'disorder' labels are just used to communicate groups of symptoms..

    I think all people are mentally ill though.. Haha. And thank you :)