Well, that was definitely mania.

Long story, but i almost withdrew from school to take a semester off.
Im glad i chose to stay though. I got an incomplete in half my work and am finishing the other half. Spacing it out so i have more time to finish. I want to be here next semester. Im leveling out and im pushing myself to finish because i know i'll be glad i did. I know ill be proud of myself. Now, if only i could get some sleep. I have a final Tuesday and a final Thursday, and then i go home for a few weeks. It will be nice to relax for a while.



its been so long since i posted! where has the time gone????
its like time is flying but every day feels so slow....
ive been so depressed that im definitely going manic and im even taking my medicine.. it's weird.. im almost rapid cycling. day-to-day switching, sometimes even in the same day, like depressed in the morning and manic at night
im definitely feeling the crazy coming on and ive been to this rodeo before... i don't like it. Im afraid.
I'm seeking help from my school counselor and my mom is making a pdoc appointment ASAP. i will not end up in the hospital and i will not do something completely stupid..
like tonight i got done studying around 1 am and me and my friend walked back to the dorms playing marry the night and i started dancing on top of random cars in the parking lot even though there were people around i didnt care i just really wanted to dance on a car. i really wanted to light something on fire so i stole a scarf from this guy i hate and i stopped myself though. i havent given it back yet but im going to tomorrow right now im in my bffs room spending the night and i dont feel like leaving again unless i go outside to smoke or something.
ive been smoking copious amounts of marijuana. dear dear...
i need to clean my room and do laundry. also i want to write a song maybe.
in your honest opinion, how bad do i look? just from this post?

I love you guys bye!


Oh, Life... you're so tricky.

Well, im not nearly as sick as I have been. But boy, have I been on an emotional roller-coaster. I've felt terrible, then peaceful, then good, then shitty, then sad, then okay, then angry, then great, then happy, then fucking ridiculous. Its so much i can't even give any details. But, I'm just struggling with choices. Putting myself into situations that may not turn out so well. My reactions to things. Holding my tongue - that's a big one. I let my heart run ahead of me and I say things I later regret.

Overall, the past couple of days have been great. There are minor issues here and there that get me worked up occasionally, but i've done an exceptional job at keeping my chin up and remaining happy. I'm getting used to being me again. Getting used to being unattached again. I can't wait to fully recover from this latest episode and move on with my life. Deepen friendships, have good times, form great memories, and find wonderful people to love. Especially a nice boy. I'm not worried about it, I'm not one of those people who needs relationships to be fulfilled. I just realized that I really deserve a good guy, a good relationship. I deserve to be treated properly, so I'm going to make it happen. Good things come to patient people. I'm just letting the events of my life come as they are, going with the flow. Trying to keep up with school (been hard to concentrate lately - medication thing? I dont know what to do about it), trying to keep up with responsibilities and commitments, but accepting my limits. Knowing where I need to stop to stay healthy. Its a work in progress, and it'll always be something i'll have to think about, but i'm getting better every day. Im stepping back and doing what i need to do, what's good for me - for the first time in a while, i'm truly proud of myself.

I've realized what an amazing support system i have around me that i haven't been taking advantage of. I have so many friends and sisters, and even the ones i'm not as close to, i can still depend on. Ive been having many heart-to-hearts, good conversations, great times, and bonding experiences with people lately. Like i mentioned, my friends all came and took care of me when i was ill, even cleaned and mopped up my room. My dear friend let me cry on his shoulder the other night, and kept asking me how i was doing and if i needed anything. He came outside in the cold at 3 in the morning to talk to me. My other friends always let me vent or give me advice/opinions when i need them... they are always there to listen. I am always there for them as well, and it just amazes me that i haven't opened my eyes to this before. My friends care about me so much that they don't care if i don't like it when they get on to me for slacking off, for making stupid decisions, for letting people walk over me. They will tell me honestly what I am doing wrong and offer any help they can to fix it. I can never thank them enough for what they do. They keep me going. That is what I am thankful for this next week of Thanksgiving.

Im not going to settle for less than I deserve. I'm not going to put myself in a hole again by making poor choices or not taking care of myself. I am going to fight a good fight. I promise myself this.

I wish you peace and good health,


throw me in the landfill

ive been in agony all day. I stayed away from drinking on Friday night, i had gone back home and i went to see a friend's band play at a bar. it was a good time. I came back home, did some campus tours, and worked at a charity auction. I didnt feel very good. Id been at the hospital that morning. I slept until 11pm, and then i got up and went out to the frat houses. Bad Idea number 1. I drank way too much, most of the night is a haze. I fell off the front steps and re-sprained my ankle and its huge and very sore. I have a large scrape on my right knee and some bruises on my left foot and leg. I couldve easily gotten arrested, there were officers all around the KA house, but i walked right past them several times. Anyway, i woke up this morning to puke and continued puking and sleeping in intervals until 5pm. There was nothing in my system all day, i couldnt eat. I tried to drink water and threw it back up. It got so bad that my body was so empty id throw up stomach bile and acids and disgusting bodily fluids and even blood one time. My friends considered taking me to the ER for dehydration because ive been dizzy, weak, unfocused, thirsty, dry mouth, headache, unable to sweat, havent peed since this morning, like fourteen hours ago. If my condition persists ill go to the doctor, but for now im in my room, sipping water and broth. So far im holding it down. I need to sleep but when i close my eyes the room spins and i get nauseous. My friends cleaned my room for me today, including some of my vomit- blech. They were so nice, bringing me food, doing my laundry, cleaning my room... they felt bad that i was in such an awful condition, they also encouraged me to do homework and plan some things for the week. I love them, and im so glad they care about me so much. It really made my day exponentially better to have them around. hopefully i can wake up tomorrow for class. I really need to go to calculus. I also need to complete the homework and finish a paper - i couldnt do anything except try to hold my stomach down today, so i hope my professors will understand. I legit called the hospital to see if anyone there could advise me about whether or not to get IV fluids from the ER, but i was put on hold for like twenty minutes and said fuck it. so, thats my story for today, im going to continue sipping my broth and keeping it in my tummy. i hope i feel better soon.
love to all,


Coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine

Funny how little moments can bring your whole day down. I felt good, i took a nice nap after work, i was keeping my head held high like ive been trying to do, and then i hear something and overthink it, i blow it out of proportion, and i feel bad again. I'll get over it momentarily, its just not very nice to think about. Boy's been talking to other girls although he "isnt allowed to talk to girls this week" so ive had literally zero contact with him, and i wouldnt care if it weren't those circumstances. I need to talk, because i need support. Im not being selfish, this week has been difficult for me and i've been going through it alone. Ive kept a smile on my face regardless of my struggles, which isnt easy, but im doing it. And i would appreciate it if people wouldn't unnecessarily blow me off when i need them. Thats a completely acceptable thought, right?

Anyway, my day has been uneventful. Ive been tired. Still have no appetite, i've been losing weight but i've been tired. Im also anemic and protein deficient, which doesn't help. I think im almost over my respiratory infection. I re-sprained my ankle today on this damn hilly campus. It hurts, and it kept me out of yoga class today. I'll just do some on my own in my room later, i suppose. I cant really focus, and my brain is fuzzy, but i need to write a paper. I have work to do that i cant seem to concentrate on. Im having a movie night and sleepover with my Big Sister, and that'll be nice. I need it. Ill eat ice cream and cry over my feelings.


Hiding in my comfort cave.

Hello all! I've had a very good day today. I woke up awfully tired for work this morning at 8:30, and then i went to Starbucks afterward to sip coffee and work on research. The funniest thing happened while i was there. I was sitting outside, obviously looking a bit frazzled over my work, when a total stranger walks by. The man flashes me a smile, says, "They sure do make things hard on you, huh?" I said yes and smiled back and sort of laughed, and he went inside. A few minutes later he reemerged with his coffe and said "Good luck with everything!" with another big smile. He leaves. I tell him thank you and i sit there, wondering why i feel epxonentially better. I guess encouragement from strangers is really helpful. It was the highlight of my day.
Then, i went back to campus to go to calculus class. I sat there and actually understood the material. I felt productive and functional. i completed my homework and turned it in on time.
I went to the doctor and discovered that yes, i did miscarry. I was only five weeks and several factors including  severe nutrient deficiency and excessive use of caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs influenced the event. It felt sad and i was a little empty for  while. But, i went and relaxed and reflected. I feel okay about it. I decided that despite whats happening, Im going to be happy. Its been too long since i've been happy and i deserve it. Im trying my hardest to always keep my chin up, and things are looking brighter already. I guess its okay because i most likely couldn't have kept the child anyway, even with adoption, but it still isnt the best feeling in the world. Im going back for vaccuum aspiration Thursday as a "just in case" procedure. It looks frightening, but i am a tough woman. Ill get through it and get on with life. Ill definitely talk to my therapist about all of this soon. Our meetings are more rare because of the distance between us now. I do miss him a lot. I had to send the news to the father via his campus mailbox because he isnt allowed to speak to me right now. Its an inconvenient time for lack of communication, but ill do what i must. I hope to hear a response soon. I expect when he reads the news he'll be happy, or relieved. I only hope the circumstances don't push him away.
I just finished a project! I got pretty far on cleaning my room, and i made the area under my bed into a little cave/fort thing. I put my sheets up, i put a sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows under here, along with stuffed animals, food, books, and christmas lights. Its nice and sometimes comforting to retreat to a little space that feels safe. I expect ill just read and relax the rest of the night. I'll do a bit of homework here and there, but im mostly going to eat some soup, listen to music, and get some new books on the Kindle. Should be a nice night and an early bedtime. I hope to wake up in time for 7 o clock yoga class!
There you have it, goodnight and goodluck.

Too much space for one girl.

Nights get very lonely.Usually I have someone to stay with me, but not this week. Unfortunately, this is the time where i could most use someone to hold or even lie next to. But i'm all alone. This room is too big for me. My bed is too big. It's too empty. There's only me. I need a little space where I can curl up, where I feel like i fill all the spaces. I can't seem to fall asleep this way.
At least I was able to eat dinner tonight. I ate more in one meal than i have in a long time, probably because i was so excited to hold food in without getting too sick (I still felt bad, but i held it all down). I ate macaroni and cheese and four rolls. I rarely eat much in the Caf these days. I just don't like it. Honestly, I've been fine with not eating, because I'm still losing weight. Even though i know i should eat, i love the feeling of shedding these disgusting medication pounds. I have begun consciously making the decision to avoid food again. But I'm okay with it. It isn't on a dangerous level yet, and i'll do what i want to do, and i'll take care of myself. Fuck feeling guilty about things. I have enough on my mind without unnecessary negative emotions like that. If i want to eat, i'll eat, and if i don't, i won't.
I also motivated myself to get up and go to the science building to study with some friends. I was proud of myself for doing what i needed to do despite feeling so extraordinarily shitty.
It's now nearing one in the morning, and i have to get up at 8:30 for work. After work, I have the doctor, and after the doctor, i have calculus class. Ill be running around until about two o clock, but after that, i'll be back on the web to update you about my visit. Wish me luck, peace, and wellness. I wish the same for you.
Goodnight. xx