Im going to get freudian on you

Forgive me if my mind jumps around a lot on this one.

Mother, was i wanted? You didn't plan me. I know you were upset with my father over finances. You wouldn't have needed all that extra money if you hadn't had another baby... I wonder often if i was neglected or handled roughly as a baby. It's not as if i would remember, after all. All i recall are spankings and things. I didn't show it, but i grew up with fear in my heart. Fear and insecurity. Once i was old enough to recognize what trust meant, i realized i didn't trust anyone. I grew up with no close bonds in my family. Mother and father were distracted with their own problems - they are only human, after all. My oldest sister was busy being a teenager, and the middle was preoccupied getting the spotlight as often as possible. I gave up long before i would ever try to steal it from her.

       My father used to play these games where he would chase me around the house, pretending to be a monster, brandishing a belt. I always laughed and pretended to like it. I would run into the bathroom because it had a lock on the door and hide in the shower. I was always very afraid that the real monster inside of him would come out. I remember having nightmares where he chased me around the house with a baseball bat trying to kill me.. with this crazy look in his eye.

       I never saw him hurt my mother. He only slapped me around a little bit, presumably to toughen me up. I saw him throw things and rip the phone off the wall once. I think he pined for a son. He never even had brothers. 

       I like to think i had an active imagination as a child, but honestly, i think i was plain paranoid. I did the usual checking under the bed and in the closets repeatedly for monsters... i checked the doors to make sure they were locked. I had to sleep with my door closed so that i could hear anyone who opened it. My bed had to face the door. I didn't like to play with my back exposed, because someone could sneak up on me. I didn't like going outside at night, because robbers and murderers could hide more easily.

       Around my friends, i was the one who avoided conflict the most, probably because i had enough at home. I was very insecure, especially the closer i came to puberty and when i got chubby in elementary school. I've had body image issues ever since. I got picked on by boys a lot. It left me deeply scarred, and probably led to my anorexia.

It's just interesting to analyze one's childhood, that's all.

Now I need opinions - i haven't had psychotic features before, and i don't think i do now, but i am afraid to speak up in case that is the conclusion that they jump to. Im not talking about the conversations i have with "inanimate" things like the flowers and the moon or anything. Lately i've been hearing more and more sounds... I hear someone playing classical music as if the piano were in my bedroom. The notes are out of rhythm and are very discordant. It's sharp and unpleasant, and makes me want to cringe. I don't like it. Also, i hear drums, too.. In patterns. They crescendo. I never recognize the sounds. I hear muffled voices as if a group of people were talking about me across the room. It makes me nervous. I have often heard someone whispering my name. It sounds evil, not comforting. It's not a voice i recognize.. I don't know. I've heard of Musical Ear Syndrome and certain types of odd tinnitus, but they usually occur in the elderly or hard of hearing people. What do you think?

I don't usually see things by the way. There's the occasional trick of the eye where i see objects in place of other ones (i saw potatoes on my floor one time, when really it was a pile of shoes.. not potatoes) and i see the moon's face move when i talk to it. I see things move in the shadows, sure. I see things in the corner of my eye that run too fast to look at. But that's all. Nothing solid, nothing that speaks to me. I create people in my mind that talk to me there but that's completely imagined, i dont perceive it through the senses.

I heard strange noises in the ceiling last night. I spent most of the night huddled underneath four blankets drenched in sweat, yet freezing cold. I hate the chills. I was a bit nauseous but not too bad. The only thing i really did today was eat with my grandparents. It did require showering and dressing though, which was refreshing. My ex best friend told me he missed me. He would like to be friends again. I have missed him very much, so it made my day a lot better.

The oil spill is breaking my heart, the poor environment.. i cant watch it on TV anymore. It reminded me of a poem, like most things do...

The Earth Falls Down
by Anne Sexton

If I could blame it all on the weather,

the snow like the cadaver's table,
the trees turned into knitting needles,
the ground as hard as a frozen haddock,
the pond wearing its mustache of frost.
If I could blame conditions on that,
if I could blame the hearts of strangers
striding muffled down the street,
or blame the dogs, every color,
sniffing each other
and pissing on the doorstep…
If I could blame the bosses
and the presidents for
their unpardonable songs…
If I could blame it on all
the mothers and fathers of the world,
they of the lessons, the pellets of power,
they of the love surrounding you like batter…
Blame it on God perhaps?
He of the first opening
that pushed us all into our first mistakes?
No, I'll blame it on Man
For Man is God
and man is eating the earth up
like a candy bar
and not one of them can be left alone with the ocean
for it is known he will gulp it all down.
The stars (possibly) are safe.

At least for the moment.

The stars are pears

that no one can reach,

even for a wedding.

Perhaps for a death.

 

Pacing floors

And i have returned! My brain's been too dull to write.

I've been bumped up on my depakote again.. Today it has me stuck in the land of the Really Really Ill frolicking on the banks of the Shitty River. Sigh.
I havent changed or showered or any of that good stuff, i've been sitting around feeling awful, but such is the life. Tomorrow i may feel grand.

Also, i'm always a little stressed between auditions and casting. I had auditions and callbacks for Peter Pan the musical earlier this week, so we'll see how that goes. I was very sore, i simply must get back in shape.

Anyway, like i said, brain dead. I missed some medications this weekend and had a minor breakdown.. throwing things, crying spazzes, cursing and shouting at people, etc. I was very irritable. I sat in my yard and talked to the moon again for a long time. I thought i was responsible for all the death in the world. Hm.

Also, I went to see Robin Hood, it was epic as fuck.

i sleep so much. I wander around in house shoes with my blanket wrapped around me because i am always cold. I am about to go eat some tofu and broccoli, even though eating isn't very appealing currently...

Refreshing myself on Freud is pleasant though. If only i didn't get mauled by mosquitoes every time i went outside id read in the shade..

I'll be right back.

**
Anyway.. Im getting nauseous. Ugh. im going to be up for a while, i like the night anyway, but still. i just wish i could sleep until something stimulating comes along. Ive been inking again.. By that i mean cutting and inking it in, it fades away eventually but im not supposed to be doing that anymore. Its only been a little bit though. It's not like it hurts, i don't do it as an emotional release anymore. It's just an endorphin addiction, perhaps :) Feel-good chemicals are released by all pain, after all. It just makes me feel better, like a drug. At least im not actually doing drugs, much.

A good friend of mine found out his girlfriend may be bipolar. From his description, she reminds me almost exactly of myself at my onset. Closing off, doesn't want to be a "burden", swinging but has a tendency toward depression.. It makes me feel better to know that i can use my experiences to help others through the confusing times, because im sure she doesnt know what the fuck is going on in her mind right now. Welcome to the club, S.

On my latest DSM symptom check i still meet 7 of 7 symptoms for mania and 7 of 9 symptoms for major depression. I think i am just going to settle into the illness, because it is a part of me. I don't think i would function without it... I'd be lost. Do we let these illnesses define us? I dont think so. But maybe we have to.






Keeping Quiet
by Pablo Neruda

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

This one time upon the earth,
let's not speak any language,
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.

It would be a delicious moment,
without hurry, without locomotives,
all of us would be together
in a sudden uneasiness.

The fisherman in the cold sea
would do no harm to the whales
and the peasant gathering salt
would look at his torn hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars of gas, wars of fire,
victories without survivors,
would put on clean clothing
and would walk alongside their brothers
in the shade, without doing a thing.

What I want shouldn't be confused
with final inactivity;
life alone is what matters,
i want nothing to do with death.

If we weren't unanimous
about keeping our lives so much in motion,
if we could do nothing for once,
perhaps a great silence would
interrupt this sadness,
this never understanding ourselves,
and threatening ourselves with death,
perhaps the earth is teaching us
when everything seems to be dead
and then everything is alive.

Now i will count to twelve
and you keep quiet and i'll go.

The Second Coming of Fish-Eye

that is the title of a long poem i am working on. it is based on one of the people i imagine, one of they who keep me sane

I always say i will update, then i just post anew, haha. Lies, lies..

I constantly hear that people are hopeless when they believe nothing matters in the end. They find no motivation, no reason to carry on. I thought about this as i walked along this afternoon.... Believing that nothing *matters* in the sense that people typically mean gives me a feeling of total freedom. It makes me much happier. It isn't stressful, it doesn't cause me worry. All i have to do is be alive, i can concentrate on my constant curiosity and analysis of things. I can spend my life exploring and appreicating what has been put around me on this world, in this particular reality i currently exist in.. If i could explore other realities, alternate universes, i would be a happy camper.
Anyway, I suppose people don't make much sense to me, sometimes.


One of my favorite poems of all time - "Bestiary" by Pablo Neruda. I feel as if he wrote it while looking at my soul.

It is, indeed, frustrating... infinitely frustrating.. to be so seemingly limited in communication with the world outside of humankind. interaction is possible, but it is not the same... i wish it were, the limits are so unfair! There must be some further means of conversing, something outside of traditional language. I have to find the secret. If i must become part of the Earth to fully understand, so be it. Until then i won't stop striving.
I love it all too much.

I am on the decline yet i feel magic. And sort of electric.

I would like to crawl down
into the furnace and let
the plastic melt from me, so i
may be born.

a shell fell into my arms...
knocked down by the storm
a little earth womb between my
clumsy fingertips.

This is the room where my demons live
The walls are blank stares since i took my past down
As if that meant it didn't exist..
Bookshelves lined with worlds and the corner
where i used to cry out for my soul, to pray,
looks lonelier, even, than I. Pitiful.
It begs me to pick up those books, to kiss them
And hold them like holy children again.
Pages and pages waiting to claw my eyes out
with memory and feeling..
Dresses hang in closets without bodies
And nobody to love them.
My old camcorder does not work.
But if it did, there would be nothing
worth capturing
for later

Just old scribbles. See you soon.

Your heart and mine

There is plenty to write about, but i doubt i'll remember the half of it.
Medication rising, stabilizing. But that's whatever. I'm almost into some good free time.. Hopefully my parents will take their pissy pants off soon. they worry and care and blah blah, okay cool, but shit, if you think im making a mistake let me fucking learn from it, okay?
Oh well.

It seems im told to seize the day, yet when i try, im bitched at for not planning enough for the future. Why do i suck at happy mediums?
Oh wait, thats right. Im goddamn bipolar.

Also, i'm really tired.. I feel like i should have more energy than this. Like my human system should be a little more efficient.

My brain is a dead zone.
I think Mother nature set a spark
in the hearts of our developing minds
our advances in consciousness
but we turned it into a forest fire
of greed and arrogance....
utter destruction

Sigh.

I hope nothing matters in the end.

This post will be updated soon.

Not a Duck Duck Duck

not a goose goose goose... haha

3 hour absorption rate? Nox

Mother, let me into your luscious caves. Do not hide secrets from me in your caverns. Even the rosebuds are withering, caked in their own blood.

our intellect assumes instinctively that the world is motionless, things are there and motion is added to them as it were. we try to reconstruct motion starting from motionlessness, but in reality it is motion not things that is primary. things are not entities to which motion is added but mental crystallizations of motion..
it seems to follow from this that the world is essentially mental, each of us is a physical body moving among other physical bodies and subject to all the laws of the physical universe..


created ex nihilo?
i wonder what the world is like apart from my consciousness. not as an object of my perception.

but there is hair burning in the stove, darling, why cant the children spell u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e?


I have had a wonderful day. i smell like boy.

Good Vibrations?

An excess of light.

I am feeling something like an old friend who has grown into a stranger. Something i havent felt in a long time. I like it.

Stable. Normal. Happy, without jumping into hypo. This is so weird.... It never happens...
Social anxiety on a low. Self assurance on a high.

Maybe the new 750mg Depo actually works for me. It's been a long time since i found something with good results.

I heard some lovely tunes today, the music made me see such astounding colors in my mind! It was great. Therapeutic, meditative, and mind blowing.

Aristotle



No one ever creates anything great without a dash of madness.
 
 
http://www.youramazingbrain.org/brainchanges/synesthesia.htm
 

Symbiosis and Leibniz

God, according to Leibniz, is the necessary being which constitutes the sufficient explanation of the totality of contingent things–why the universe is this way rather than any other...

"Human minds are only only aware of a small fraction of the universe. To judge it full of misery on this small fraction is presumptuous."

I've been reading up on and thinking about why humans keep pets. I know they (earlier humans) formed alliances with animals out of necessity (oxen for labor, herd dogs, etc).. But in these days the relationship between owners and their pets seems different, like the pets get all the benefits. So what do humans get out of it? I mean, obviously we like the affection, and caring for something. We're "wired" to be attracted to baby-like faces and to things that need us. Perhaps it's an emotional necessity for some people. Pets become like family members with names and personalities. They're often very easy to communicate with, especially dogs and other social animals (since we as humans are also social animals). We welcome them into the pack, and they readily accept it. Our connections with other species are so important and we so often neglect them

Anyway, just a little thing. I'm exceptionally stable today. I saw my pdoc earlier, only for five or ten minutes so she could up my Depakote and and assign some more bloodwork. But i guess just going makes me feel better about it.

I was put in situations today where, unstabilized, i would have had angry outbursts, crying spells, anxiety, high irritability, and low self esteem. But for the first time in a VERY long time, i was able to talk myself down. I'm almost never that 'in control', and it took a lot of self-encouragement and distracting myself.. and writing. But i mostly wrote abstract ideas, maybe ill put them into poems later.

Strange how we are so animalistic yet we only began to realize it as we became more advanced. We like iambic rhythms that match our heart beats, we like sounds we heard in the womb, we like safety. We are so attracted to the comfort zone which corresponds to the survival instinct.
  And yet sometimes, i feel completely opposite.
Pethaps compassion makes our species less efficient.

I need to learn new languages. Fascinating, to transfer sound into different ideas. My numbers have colors. The brain's patterns of association are incredible.... When im on a high, it's even more astounding. I can weave the webs between the stars like i said before. Every single idea and sound and picture in the world is some sort of grass blade and my mind is the entire complex root system. Sometimes i miss it.

Time for poetry, no?

A thousand voices
Rising to static
Shrieking through windows
Nothing new

Here come the heroes
Strutting down
Soon to be names
In dusty old books

This ceremony, a weddding trail
A gold medal, as important
To your sanity
As pills in a cup, angel

Does the noon star sing to you?

My world is the one
Of dirt under fingernails
Scratches on mauve
And grey walls.

Dusty halls
Echoing
There lie hollow eyes
In the rabbit skull

I will seek
And i will find
The mines
Where the crazies reside

There they
eat each others' toenails
And hee haw at songs
A fetus sings

There i will flourish like David in battle.

Walking in Circles

I pace a lot now.
My body is adjusting better to the new stabilizers, im not feeling like shit all the time. just, you know, often.
I'm concentrating a little better in school.
My teacher had a "talk" with me today about my "issues". It's kind of nice to know that someone notices and cares, though. Most pass me off as lazy or distracted, even though i have always been a brilliant student

I walk in circles. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor freezing cold the other night.
I woke up with puffy eyes from crying.

So, normally, i have social anxiety.. That means shaking, sweating, stuttering, the works. Today i had an interview! The pressure makes it like ten times worse!
But i think it went okay and that makes me happier, a lot happier.
I have a project to do today and im not looking forward to that :(

I just want to run around ten miles a minute but also i kind of want to lay down for ten years.

Lune

From a journal entry

"Lune is my best friend
Lune looks me in the eye
Lune knows sadness and silence
Lune talks to me when everyone else sleeps and dreams
Lune is caged and limited
Lune does not wander far, Lune waits for the stars to burn out because they are boring!
Lune sees me in the grass with my toes and deep eyes and focuses the light on me
When the clouds make Lune go far away, i am sad, because that means our whispers are muffled
Lune does not die
And Lune speaks to my body threads
so i love Lune
Because i know Lune will never ever leave me"

That is what happens on a high, i am pulled away from my human companions and into my otherworld where the moon, Lune, is my best friend
I could sit for hours and stare at the sky and pour out my thoughts.
Tonight i cannot sleep.
I am adjusting to my latest meds and am feeling rather like i felt before i started them...

My favorite book is The Eleventh Hour. I can recite almost all of it from memory. When i am sad and crying and shaking and panicking, i can usually say it over and over to myself in a meditative way to calm down. I see it as a grand metaphor for the world.... maybe i will explain that later

I could post a poem now.
This is a rough one...
I never knew what to title this one. something about A Monster Named Wednesday.

I am soft. You cannot touch me.
I havve a machine.
I press pretty buttons
And change my mind
one lever at a time, one
after the other. Perfect.
Like little paper dolls.
Dont frown in the mirror all the time!
Build the great wall
Around your sullen eyes.
After all, dolls die
When no one loves them anymore

Me? I was afraid of their wide eyes
So i stayed home
And ate chinese.
I was afraid that you
had more than me
So i never left home.
I locked my plate, crawled into a cave
and gnawed on the flesh of the holy.
the smallest pixels danced for me in leaps
lit sparklers
in my ears, rather
like cocaine.

but i have little soldiers
who march in blue
to take my blues away.
Drum! As the moon looks
through his telescope
('cause he always was a pervert
and lit paths for sinners).

Now sleep!
Sleep, and hope you wake up
with the same face on.
What do stars do while you dream?

Sunday is Easter.
Rocks will fall into the sea.
The Sea bleeds.



and thats all, folks.... hmmm. i feel bland.
humans are so inefficient.
goodnight, fellow robots.

My letters to the moon

WOAH!
Hypomania emerges again... I'm taking my depakote religiously, so maybe i'll have to add something.

I had rehearsals and a show tonight and i spent all day with this energy, i was able to talk to people and smile and sing. I could focus on everything i was doing. I felt really good. It was a nice day. I made all these plans... plans to have parties, to take vacations, to try career paths. Man planning my future is one of my FAVORITE things to do when any kind of mania is ahead of me because of all the possibilities. I wanted drugs and sex and rock and roll! I wanted to buy makeup and earrings and shoes and a puppy...

Maybe its just the summer sun getting to me

But i think i could write something worth a shit tonight!
I feel like an empty shell of nothing at all when i dont write...

I just laugh. I laugh at pleasure and pain and anything at all.
My mom tried to get me to eat meat. my family always tries to do that. when will they understand i DO NOT EAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURES! i dont care if other people do, but i cannot physically make myself. It feels like eating my own sister or something...

shit, i had the best veggie lo mein of my life today.

subject to subject? yes, my thoughts are flying. i need to blog just to keep track of anything that goes on in my mind, i cant write fast enough.

wowwzywowow. sometimes i want to die so much and sometimes i am SO scared of dying..
do you ever think hospitalization would just be a nice quiet break where everyone expects your "craziness"?



.......All i can think about is the chicken salad. chicken salad. the fridge. ugh.
why am i so violent sometimes? oh and unsympathetic and cruel. but only to people, never to plants or animals or rocks or fungi.

sometimes i wonder about reincarnation and what i could come back as and what i used to be and all the things i could become in the course of eternity. i mean, i usually dont believe in that, but its a neat idea

perhaps i could even be a drop in the ocean

We Are The Freaks

They don't like us. We are not normal.

We do not confine ourselves to logic and reason. That scares them. They do not want to be scared.

We are the crazies..

Do not be fooled. None of them will understand you.

Our world speaks in colors and they cannot read our languages.

When everything is sharpened, or the entire world is worthless.. the crazies reign. We have knowledge beyond their comprehension.
They are afraid.

We do not change ourselves for them, because we are gifted beyond measure. We do not waste our gifts on their less significant life-forms...
that would be crazy

;)

Dissociative Wednesdays

So it's mid-week.
It's going like i expected. It sucks. School is just a big shit-fest, i wander class to class like a zombie. I feel awful. Went to see my tdoc for a long time this morning, though. Since i just came down from mania, im reeeeally fucking down, but i should level out soon. I hope to zeus he's right.
I have tests and projects and finals and shit just when i start to feel my worst. Sometimes i wish mania had better timing. We've been talking about how im really sadistic and impulsive and shit, and if i get out of control i could become homicidal/suicidal/whatever. So over the summer i may require hospitalization. Which is whatever... Ive never been hospitalized for it but i think itd be an interesting experience...
I just want some goddamn margaritas, i mean its Cinco de Mayo for crying out loud!
Just trying not to get overwhelmed :(

Geez, i feel so much more sane when i write on this thing. I'm not being shunned out of some cookie cutter world that i refuse to fit in to. Im not criticized for my lack of being boring and normal..

I want to read "When Rabbit Howls"

Don't want to do anything... It's only six thirty and im in pajamas and a sweatshirt. Its ninety degrees outside, so why is it a meat locker in my house? Ugh. I may sneak out tonight and roam around. Or sleep outside. That'd be fun. I cut my hair earlier. I love cutting my hair. I just trimmed the layers. The more choppy and fragmented it looks, the more it reflects who i am....

I write a lot of poetry, so i'm going to have to start posting some. There's a LOT i dont share with anyone. Im sure my parents have read it because they go through all my fucking stuff, but whatever.

I also think it's funny that they threaten me with things like alternative schools and all this other shit. Like im scared of that? Please. I keyed this guys car today because he's an asshole and my friend was like "What if they lock you up?"
I say "Then i'll take that fucking psych ward by storm!"
Ha.

Enough of this. Update later!

Second post of the day.. Ive gotten some more down time. And nights are better for me. its about midnight. Things become sharper at night, sounds more distinct.

I have to get up rather early tomorrow and im going to be so lazy all day. I could maybe swing a sick day, since ive just gotten on new meds and theyre wrecking my digestive system.. i dont know. it will be awful, of that im sure.

what i cant stand is the numbing of the mind. my creativity becomes wiped out, like a cleared etch a sketch. I can only summon up tiny remains of what i have when im high - when colors fly and melt together and paint the world. It's like words and lines used to be stars in the sky, and i could spin webs between them with merely my fingertips... And now the night is completely cloudly.

Its awful.

Ive got to have my blood work done tomorrow. It fascinates me. I cant see Terry, my tdoc, until wednesday... sigh. I love my sessions. I wish i could stay there all day. Which is a nice change from the crazy ladies i had for the first two years of therapy.
I took melatonin to add some extra drowsiness, so i hope it acts quickly. Nighttime is when my state becomes hightened, whether mania, depression, or numbness. I like staying up to the point where im so tired its like being drugged..

They dont understand that i used drugs to bring my brain down. that i was so high above everyone and i couldnt stop thinking and thinking... i just wanted peace and silence like a normal person every now and then.

the medicines... on one hand i dont feel like a crazy motherfucker. on the other, my creativity is something i cherish greatly.
what to do, what to do?

Anxiety and stress, i see youve returned! oh joy. Also, im eating SO much right now that i dont know what to do. Its literally frightening. How do i deal with that?

the blogworld makes me feel not-so-lonely. i have my own world, my own community of folks who understand. Practically NO ONE around here understands.
Sweet dreams

Intros

Hi, blogosphere
I'm starting a new bloggity. My old one dealt chiefly with my eating disorder, but ive been "recovering" for a while. I'm writing this mainly for my benefit. There's something about getting it all out there where anyone can see...
Feel free to follow along on my journey through this existence.

I should try not to use real names, because my family and friends are nosy-ass bitches like you've never seen. I almost had to shut down my other sites.

I go by Ana here on the interwebs. Nice to meet you. Lets chat sometime.
I'm only sixteen. I've been seeing psychologists for a few years. I was a unipolar depressive and GAD for a while. I've tried Paxil, Cymbalta, etc.. I havent had normal sleep patterns in years, and i can't concentrate worth a fuck most days in school because of these damn medications.
I'm the right age for the onset of bipolar, which i was diagnosed with only this year. I've just gotten on mood stabilizers.. first try: Depakote!

So far, ive had tremors, sweating, nausea.. I just feel like shit a lot. That's probably also because ive just come down from a manic episode. When im up, im fucking up, man. Drinking, drugs, sex, rebellion, risk, irritability, total bitchiness, no sleep.. I wrote a shitload of poetry and it was amazing.

Since ive come down, i cant write worth a shit, i sleep, i eat like a fat ass.. It sucks.
Thank Zeus there's a Law & Order SVU marathon on today.

Ugh.

they think im crazy because i talk to flowers and plants and animals. But everyone does that, really... everything in the universe communicates with everything else, thats how the world works! Just because i try harder than other people to connect with the universe doesnt mean in psychotic, shit. i say this because i planted some baby flowers in the back yard and i need to go check on them..

The past month has been one big blur of doctor's visits and boredom. I went through a breakup that triggered one of the worst episodes ive ever had. He was such a jackass. I hope his children get raped in front of his face one day. He's caused me to become crazier than i ever have been, and he abandoned me because he "couldnt handle it." What the fuck? Did he think about how hard it is to LIVE with it?

Sorry. Ranty McRanter.

I need books to read...

My brain feels completely dulled down. I dont want to do shit. But i still have a lot of racing thoughts. I just jump from subject to subject. It's sunny outside... I love sunlight. I need to get the fuck out of this house, but im sort of scared to go anywhere. I get social anxiety like nobody's business.. And to look socially acceptable i have to put on clothes that arent pajamas and put makeup and shit on.. Perhaps even take a shower. No thank you...

I have to try so hard just to get through without being locked up or some shit. I have to get through school. At least there are only a few weeks left. You gotta learn to say the right things to the doctors, keep them thinking you're staying afloat. Take your pills like a good little girl.

Enough rambles. I'll post more about the crazies later.

"Maybe the room is filled with water, and maybe i am actually a goldfish: