Second post of the day.. Ive gotten some more down time. And nights are better for me. its about midnight. Things become sharper at night, sounds more distinct.

I have to get up rather early tomorrow and im going to be so lazy all day. I could maybe swing a sick day, since ive just gotten on new meds and theyre wrecking my digestive system.. i dont know. it will be awful, of that im sure.

what i cant stand is the numbing of the mind. my creativity becomes wiped out, like a cleared etch a sketch. I can only summon up tiny remains of what i have when im high - when colors fly and melt together and paint the world. It's like words and lines used to be stars in the sky, and i could spin webs between them with merely my fingertips... And now the night is completely cloudly.

Its awful.

Ive got to have my blood work done tomorrow. It fascinates me. I cant see Terry, my tdoc, until wednesday... sigh. I love my sessions. I wish i could stay there all day. Which is a nice change from the crazy ladies i had for the first two years of therapy.
I took melatonin to add some extra drowsiness, so i hope it acts quickly. Nighttime is when my state becomes hightened, whether mania, depression, or numbness. I like staying up to the point where im so tired its like being drugged..

They dont understand that i used drugs to bring my brain down. that i was so high above everyone and i couldnt stop thinking and thinking... i just wanted peace and silence like a normal person every now and then.

the medicines... on one hand i dont feel like a crazy motherfucker. on the other, my creativity is something i cherish greatly.
what to do, what to do?

Anxiety and stress, i see youve returned! oh joy. Also, im eating SO much right now that i dont know what to do. Its literally frightening. How do i deal with that?

the blogworld makes me feel not-so-lonely. i have my own world, my own community of folks who understand. Practically NO ONE around here understands.
Sweet dreams

Intros

Hi, blogosphere
I'm starting a new bloggity. My old one dealt chiefly with my eating disorder, but ive been "recovering" for a while. I'm writing this mainly for my benefit. There's something about getting it all out there where anyone can see...
Feel free to follow along on my journey through this existence.

I should try not to use real names, because my family and friends are nosy-ass bitches like you've never seen. I almost had to shut down my other sites.

I go by Ana here on the interwebs. Nice to meet you. Lets chat sometime.
I'm only sixteen. I've been seeing psychologists for a few years. I was a unipolar depressive and GAD for a while. I've tried Paxil, Cymbalta, etc.. I havent had normal sleep patterns in years, and i can't concentrate worth a fuck most days in school because of these damn medications.
I'm the right age for the onset of bipolar, which i was diagnosed with only this year. I've just gotten on mood stabilizers.. first try: Depakote!

So far, ive had tremors, sweating, nausea.. I just feel like shit a lot. That's probably also because ive just come down from a manic episode. When im up, im fucking up, man. Drinking, drugs, sex, rebellion, risk, irritability, total bitchiness, no sleep.. I wrote a shitload of poetry and it was amazing.

Since ive come down, i cant write worth a shit, i sleep, i eat like a fat ass.. It sucks.
Thank Zeus there's a Law & Order SVU marathon on today.

Ugh.

they think im crazy because i talk to flowers and plants and animals. But everyone does that, really... everything in the universe communicates with everything else, thats how the world works! Just because i try harder than other people to connect with the universe doesnt mean in psychotic, shit. i say this because i planted some baby flowers in the back yard and i need to go check on them..

The past month has been one big blur of doctor's visits and boredom. I went through a breakup that triggered one of the worst episodes ive ever had. He was such a jackass. I hope his children get raped in front of his face one day. He's caused me to become crazier than i ever have been, and he abandoned me because he "couldnt handle it." What the fuck? Did he think about how hard it is to LIVE with it?

Sorry. Ranty McRanter.

I need books to read...

My brain feels completely dulled down. I dont want to do shit. But i still have a lot of racing thoughts. I just jump from subject to subject. It's sunny outside... I love sunlight. I need to get the fuck out of this house, but im sort of scared to go anywhere. I get social anxiety like nobody's business.. And to look socially acceptable i have to put on clothes that arent pajamas and put makeup and shit on.. Perhaps even take a shower. No thank you...

I have to try so hard just to get through without being locked up or some shit. I have to get through school. At least there are only a few weeks left. You gotta learn to say the right things to the doctors, keep them thinking you're staying afloat. Take your pills like a good little girl.

Enough rambles. I'll post more about the crazies later.

"Maybe the room is filled with water, and maybe i am actually a goldfish: