Hello all! I've had a very good day today. I woke up awfully tired for work this morning at 8:30, and then i went to Starbucks afterward to sip coffee and work on research. The funniest thing happened while i was there. I was sitting outside, obviously looking a bit frazzled over my work, when a total stranger walks by. The man flashes me a smile, says, "They sure do make things hard on you, huh?" I said yes and smiled back and sort of laughed, and he went inside. A few minutes later he reemerged with his coffe and said "Good luck with everything!" with another big smile. He leaves. I tell him thank you and i sit there, wondering why i feel epxonentially better. I guess encouragement from strangers is really helpful. It was the highlight of my day.
Then, i went back to campus to go to calculus class. I sat there and actually understood the material. I felt productive and functional. i completed my homework and turned it in on time.
I went to the doctor and discovered that yes, i did miscarry. I was only five weeks and several factors including severe nutrient deficiency and excessive use of caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs influenced the event. It felt sad and i was a little empty for while. But, i went and relaxed and reflected. I feel okay about it. I decided that despite whats happening, Im going to be happy. Its been too long since i've been happy and i deserve it. Im trying my hardest to always keep my chin up, and things are looking brighter already. I guess its okay because i most likely couldn't have kept the child anyway, even with adoption, but it still isnt the best feeling in the world. Im going back for vaccuum aspiration Thursday as a "just in case" procedure. It looks frightening, but i am a tough woman. Ill get through it and get on with life. Ill definitely talk to my therapist about all of this soon. Our meetings are more rare because of the distance between us now. I do miss him a lot. I had to send the news to the father via his campus mailbox because he isnt allowed to speak to me right now. Its an inconvenient time for lack of communication, but ill do what i must. I hope to hear a response soon. I expect when he reads the news he'll be happy, or relieved. I only hope the circumstances don't push him away.
I just finished a project! I got pretty far on cleaning my room, and i made the area under my bed into a little cave/fort thing. I put my sheets up, i put a sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows under here, along with stuffed animals, food, books, and christmas lights. Its nice and sometimes comforting to retreat to a little space that feels safe. I expect ill just read and relax the rest of the night. I'll do a bit of homework here and there, but im mostly going to eat some soup, listen to music, and get some new books on the Kindle. Should be a nice night and an early bedtime. I hope to wake up in time for 7 o clock yoga class!
There you have it, goodnight and goodluck.