My letters to the moon

Hypomania emerges again... I'm taking my depakote religiously, so maybe i'll have to add something.

I had rehearsals and a show tonight and i spent all day with this energy, i was able to talk to people and smile and sing. I could focus on everything i was doing. I felt really good. It was a nice day. I made all these plans... plans to have parties, to take vacations, to try career paths. Man planning my future is one of my FAVORITE things to do when any kind of mania is ahead of me because of all the possibilities. I wanted drugs and sex and rock and roll! I wanted to buy makeup and earrings and shoes and a puppy...

Maybe its just the summer sun getting to me

But i think i could write something worth a shit tonight!
I feel like an empty shell of nothing at all when i dont write...

I just laugh. I laugh at pleasure and pain and anything at all.
My mom tried to get me to eat meat. my family always tries to do that. when will they understand i DO NOT EAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURES! i dont care if other people do, but i cannot physically make myself. It feels like eating my own sister or something...

shit, i had the best veggie lo mein of my life today.

subject to subject? yes, my thoughts are flying. i need to blog just to keep track of anything that goes on in my mind, i cant write fast enough.

wowwzywowow. sometimes i want to die so much and sometimes i am SO scared of dying..
do you ever think hospitalization would just be a nice quiet break where everyone expects your "craziness"?

.......All i can think about is the chicken salad. chicken salad. the fridge. ugh.
why am i so violent sometimes? oh and unsympathetic and cruel. but only to people, never to plants or animals or rocks or fungi.

sometimes i wonder about reincarnation and what i could come back as and what i used to be and all the things i could become in the course of eternity. i mean, i usually dont believe in that, but its a neat idea

perhaps i could even be a drop in the ocean


  1. Goodness, you seem really random. I've felt like that, but I don't think I'd have been able to write it down like you do. Try to take care of yourself.

  2. Whew, thanks, yeah.. i sure was! i have to write it down to keep from feeling like exploding