Hiding in my comfort cave.

Hello all! I've had a very good day today. I woke up awfully tired for work this morning at 8:30, and then i went to Starbucks afterward to sip coffee and work on research. The funniest thing happened while i was there. I was sitting outside, obviously looking a bit frazzled over my work, when a total stranger walks by. The man flashes me a smile, says, "They sure do make things hard on you, huh?" I said yes and smiled back and sort of laughed, and he went inside. A few minutes later he reemerged with his coffe and said "Good luck with everything!" with another big smile. He leaves. I tell him thank you and i sit there, wondering why i feel epxonentially better. I guess encouragement from strangers is really helpful. It was the highlight of my day.
Then, i went back to campus to go to calculus class. I sat there and actually understood the material. I felt productive and functional. i completed my homework and turned it in on time.
I went to the doctor and discovered that yes, i did miscarry. I was only five weeks and several factors including  severe nutrient deficiency and excessive use of caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs influenced the event. It felt sad and i was a little empty for  while. But, i went and relaxed and reflected. I feel okay about it. I decided that despite whats happening, Im going to be happy. Its been too long since i've been happy and i deserve it. Im trying my hardest to always keep my chin up, and things are looking brighter already. I guess its okay because i most likely couldn't have kept the child anyway, even with adoption, but it still isnt the best feeling in the world. Im going back for vaccuum aspiration Thursday as a "just in case" procedure. It looks frightening, but i am a tough woman. Ill get through it and get on with life. Ill definitely talk to my therapist about all of this soon. Our meetings are more rare because of the distance between us now. I do miss him a lot. I had to send the news to the father via his campus mailbox because he isnt allowed to speak to me right now. Its an inconvenient time for lack of communication, but ill do what i must. I hope to hear a response soon. I expect when he reads the news he'll be happy, or relieved. I only hope the circumstances don't push him away.
I just finished a project! I got pretty far on cleaning my room, and i made the area under my bed into a little cave/fort thing. I put my sheets up, i put a sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows under here, along with stuffed animals, food, books, and christmas lights. Its nice and sometimes comforting to retreat to a little space that feels safe. I expect ill just read and relax the rest of the night. I'll do a bit of homework here and there, but im mostly going to eat some soup, listen to music, and get some new books on the Kindle. Should be a nice night and an early bedtime. I hope to wake up in time for 7 o clock yoga class!
There you have it, goodnight and goodluck.
xx

Too much space for one girl.

Nights get very lonely.Usually I have someone to stay with me, but not this week. Unfortunately, this is the time where i could most use someone to hold or even lie next to. But i'm all alone. This room is too big for me. My bed is too big. It's too empty. There's only me. I need a little space where I can curl up, where I feel like i fill all the spaces. I can't seem to fall asleep this way.
At least I was able to eat dinner tonight. I ate more in one meal than i have in a long time, probably because i was so excited to hold food in without getting too sick (I still felt bad, but i held it all down). I ate macaroni and cheese and four rolls. I rarely eat much in the Caf these days. I just don't like it. Honestly, I've been fine with not eating, because I'm still losing weight. Even though i know i should eat, i love the feeling of shedding these disgusting medication pounds. I have begun consciously making the decision to avoid food again. But I'm okay with it. It isn't on a dangerous level yet, and i'll do what i want to do, and i'll take care of myself. Fuck feeling guilty about things. I have enough on my mind without unnecessary negative emotions like that. If i want to eat, i'll eat, and if i don't, i won't.
I also motivated myself to get up and go to the science building to study with some friends. I was proud of myself for doing what i needed to do despite feeling so extraordinarily shitty.
It's now nearing one in the morning, and i have to get up at 8:30 for work. After work, I have the doctor, and after the doctor, i have calculus class. Ill be running around until about two o clock, but after that, i'll be back on the web to update you about my visit. Wish me luck, peace, and wellness. I wish the same for you.
Goodnight. xx