I am insane

Ive been trying to take a break from writing and live life instead of writing about it.. but i must. I'm going crazy in this house, i haven't left all weekend. I drank too much Friday. I started trazodone thursday and it makes my mind so sleepy. but i like it. i wish i were on something better for anxiety, even though i like my cymbalta a lot and it's supposed to help.

I just get so.... mad sometimes. Not just mad. I mean, i want to cause total destruction. I can barely keep myself from grabbing a big, shiny carving knife and stabbing the people im pissed at. I go to bed dreaming of torturing them and cutting their throats. I think it's absolutely terrible, but i just can't stop it when i get that angry. I know im a "danger to myself or others" but i don't know what to do. I'll talk to my tdoc about it when i see him but the next appointment isn't for a few weeks, for some reason. I've been so depressed these past couple days. I just crashed. I've been breaking pencils, throwing things all around my room, leaving food out to rot, separating all the post-its in the pack.. totally unmotivated to do my work.

I found some poems that werent in my poetry notebook. I found them in an older notebook from earlier days of insanity. They are good, and when i have the energy i'll add them to the poetry book. I started running again, too. Im sick of the weight gain since i started these medicines and im going to start keeping it in check. Also, it just helps the stress... I have to get out sometimes. Even if i'm just walking in the heat, it helps.
I do eat too much, but i don't want to go to the opposite extreme again. That wouldn't be good. I'm reading biographies of Albert Einstein and Anne Sexton. I really want to understand her poetry better, and i feel that's one of the keys to it. I dont seem to enjoy fiction much anymore. My life already feels like fiction much of the time...

JH is coming over again soon. He had to go eat with his family, but im in my pajamas and pretty much confined. Being with him makes me feel so much better. But, alas, i still have lab reports to type and projects to finish. Adieu


  1. I used to fantasize about cutting people as well, I also leave food out to mold over...hmmm. I can totally relate to your post. I do not feel that way now and I really do sympathize with you.

    Isn't it odd that one can feel so ill and still function. I am proud of you for posting a n entry.

  2. I've never really felt the type of madness you feel, but I think writing helps. It helped with my depression.

    I am Fickle Cattle.

  3. Wow. Just write whenever you feel that it helps and seek help if needed.