Im going to get freudian on you

Forgive me if my mind jumps around a lot on this one.

Mother, was i wanted? You didn't plan me. I know you were upset with my father over finances. You wouldn't have needed all that extra money if you hadn't had another baby... I wonder often if i was neglected or handled roughly as a baby. It's not as if i would remember, after all. All i recall are spankings and things. I didn't show it, but i grew up with fear in my heart. Fear and insecurity. Once i was old enough to recognize what trust meant, i realized i didn't trust anyone. I grew up with no close bonds in my family. Mother and father were distracted with their own problems - they are only human, after all. My oldest sister was busy being a teenager, and the middle was preoccupied getting the spotlight as often as possible. I gave up long before i would ever try to steal it from her.
       My father used to play these games where he would chase me around the house, pretending to be a monster, brandishing a belt. I always laughed and pretended to like it. I would run into the bathroom because it had a lock on the door and hide in the shower. I was always very afraid that the real monster inside of him would come out. I remember having nightmares where he chased me around the house with a baseball bat trying to kill me.. with this crazy look in his eye.
       I never saw him hurt my mother. He only slapped me around a little bit, presumably to toughen me up. I saw him throw things and rip the phone off the wall once. I think he pined for a son. He never even had brothers. 
       I like to think i had an active imagination as a child, but honestly, i think i was plain paranoid. I did the usual checking under the bed and in the closets repeatedly for monsters... i checked the doors to make sure they were locked. I had to sleep with my door closed so that i could hear anyone who opened it. My bed had to face the door. I didn't like to play with my back exposed, because someone could sneak up on me. I didn't like going outside at night, because robbers and murderers could hide more easily.
       Around my friends, i was the one who avoided conflict the most, probably because i had enough at home. I was very insecure, especially the closer i came to puberty and when i got chubby in elementary school. I've had body image issues ever since. I got picked on by boys a lot. It left me deeply scarred, and probably led to my anorexia.

It's just interesting to analyze one's childhood, that's all.

Now I need opinions - i haven't had psychotic features before, and i don't think i do now, but i am afraid to speak up in case that is the conclusion that they jump to. Im not talking about the conversations i have with "inanimate" things like the flowers and the moon or anything. Lately i've been hearing more and more sounds... I hear someone playing classical music as if the piano were in my bedroom. The notes are out of rhythm and are very discordant. It's sharp and unpleasant, and makes me want to cringe. I don't like it. Also, i hear drums, too.. In patterns. They crescendo. I never recognize the sounds. I hear muffled voices as if a group of people were talking about me across the room. It makes me nervous. I have often heard someone whispering my name. It sounds evil, not comforting. It's not a voice i recognize.. I don't know. I've heard of Musical Ear Syndrome and certain types of odd tinnitus, but they usually occur in the elderly or hard of hearing people. What do you think?

I don't usually see things by the way. There's the occasional trick of the eye where i see objects in place of other ones (i saw potatoes on my floor one time, when really it was a pile of shoes.. not potatoes) and i see the moon's face move when i talk to it. I see things move in the shadows, sure. I see things in the corner of my eye that run too fast to look at. But that's all. Nothing solid, nothing that speaks to me. I create people in my mind that talk to me there but that's completely imagined, i dont perceive it through the senses.

I heard strange noises in the ceiling last night. I spent most of the night huddled underneath four blankets drenched in sweat, yet freezing cold. I hate the chills. I was a bit nauseous but not too bad. The only thing i really did today was eat with my grandparents. It did require showering and dressing though, which was refreshing. My ex best friend told me he missed me. He would like to be friends again. I have missed him very much, so it made my day a lot better.

The oil spill is breaking my heart, the poor environment.. i cant watch it on TV anymore. It reminded me of a poem, like most things do...

The Earth Falls Down
by Anne Sexton

If I could blame it all on the weather,

the snow like the cadaver's table,
the trees turned into knitting needles,
the ground as hard as a frozen haddock,
the pond wearing its mustache of frost.
If I could blame conditions on that,
if I could blame the hearts of strangers
striding muffled down the street,
or blame the dogs, every color,
sniffing each other
and pissing on the doorstep…
If I could blame the bosses
and the presidents for
their unpardonable songs…
If I could blame it on all
the mothers and fathers of the world,
they of the lessons, the pellets of power,
they of the love surrounding you like batter…
Blame it on God perhaps?
He of the first opening
that pushed us all into our first mistakes?
No, I'll blame it on Man
For Man is God
and man is eating the earth up
like a candy bar
and not one of them can be left alone with the ocean
for it is known he will gulp it all down.
The stars (possibly) are safe.
At least for the moment.
The stars are pears
that no one can reach,
even for a wedding.

Perhaps for a death.


  1. well, number one, I'm very sorry to hear that you grew up with insecurities in your childhood and no strong bonds. it is interesting to examen childhood because it's such a vital time in a persons life.

    also, about the psychotic thing, the only thing that really stood out to me is that you hear an evil voice. to comfort you, I also use to hear music all the time. classical music, like someone was playing the piano and I would get up to go check and suddenly it would stop. I was convinced my house was haunted. (maybe it was- I've never had this problem since I've moved... hmmmm?)

    but the fact that you hear something that specifically says YOUR voice means it is completely focused on YOU. I am NOT a psychiatrist or have any degree in psychology but I would definitely encourage you to get that checked out.

  2. I'm so sorry about you having to feel this way. I can partially relate, but never completely understand; my parents never wanted me either, but then again, I have an older brother.
    I'm not so sure about the noises you've been hearing, but I hope it gets better, or at least the music does not make you want to cringe!
    love and love and love

  3. There is a difference between hallucinations and delusional thinking. You may have delusions or you may just have severe paranoia or hyper vigilance. Either way you should discuss it with your psych doc. There are many antipsychotics that can treat these symptoms. But be careful with antipsychotics because there are many side effects. Best wishes.

  4. the voices can be explained through hearing your sub con. sometimes the music is really your mind playing tricks on you.. when I was at the theater when I was younger and acted alot I had the hardest time walking around alone... I still do. I believe strongly in hauntings. and that theater is haunted. I would walk through the rows in the solitude of the darkness and I always heard the sounds of people talking. ghost. I also heard my name whispered in my ear as though the person were right beside me. so perhaps you are being haunted. no offense to the none believers here it is just what I think... I don't think you are psycotic.. I had no clue about the childhood that is horrible. some of it might be from your child hood. if people played music when you where a kid with your childhood. you might be hearing something that relates to your childhood

  5. I'm sorry to read about this. All of us on here are broken, fragmented, lost in some sort of way. But to know that such suffering started at such a young and innocent age, as it did for me as well, is simply heartbreaking.
    I really wish you the best of luck in trying to defeat an of the hardships you're facing.

  6. i appreciate you guys very very much

    im def gonna talk to my doc the next time i see either one of them