Second post of the day.. Ive gotten some more down time. And nights are better for me. its about midnight. Things become sharper at night, sounds more distinct.
I have to get up rather early tomorrow and im going to be so lazy all day. I could maybe swing a sick day, since ive just gotten on new meds and theyre wrecking my digestive system.. i dont know. it will be awful, of that im sure.
what i cant stand is the numbing of the mind. my creativity becomes wiped out, like a cleared etch a sketch. I can only summon up tiny remains of what i have when im high - when colors fly and melt together and paint the world. It's like words and lines used to be stars in the sky, and i could spin webs between them with merely my fingertips... And now the night is completely cloudly.
Ive got to have my blood work done tomorrow. It fascinates me. I cant see Terry, my tdoc, until wednesday... sigh. I love my sessions. I wish i could stay there all day. Which is a nice change from the crazy ladies i had for the first two years of therapy.
I took melatonin to add some extra drowsiness, so i hope it acts quickly. Nighttime is when my state becomes hightened, whether mania, depression, or numbness. I like staying up to the point where im so tired its like being drugged..
They dont understand that i used drugs to bring my brain down. that i was so high above everyone and i couldnt stop thinking and thinking... i just wanted peace and silence like a normal person every now and then.
the medicines... on one hand i dont feel like a crazy motherfucker. on the other, my creativity is something i cherish greatly.
what to do, what to do?
Anxiety and stress, i see youve returned! oh joy. Also, im eating SO much right now that i dont know what to do. Its literally frightening. How do i deal with that?
the blogworld makes me feel not-so-lonely. i have my own world, my own community of folks who understand. Practically NO ONE around here understands.