Do you know

how much i just want to give up sometimes? Just stop trying? I try, and it all goes wrong. I try, and its not good enough. Its like im a battery that suddenly goes dead. I need to learn how to recharge before i die (still using the battery metaphor).

But ive made commitments. I cant stop now. I will swallow my pills, and i will keep going.



Anxiety- i hate it i hate it i hate it

I'm trying to manage my anxiety all by myself, with no medication assistance other than the cymbalta which doesnt do anything. no more klonopin, just exercise and meditation and deep breathing for me. I feel like i cant handle it just using those things. I cant. I freak out, i get irritable, there are so many things i simply cannot handle when im this anxious and stressed all the time.

What do normal people think when i say "anxiety" anyway? Anxiety like before you speak in front of a crowd? Anxiety like the first time you drive a car? No. This is NOT that kind of anxiety. This is a rain cloud constantly soaking you to the skin. This is an alarm always firing in your head. This sends electrical pulses to your heart constantly revving you up. I get shaky and im so fatigued mentally and physically from it. I dont know what to do. It's just the way i am.

Is that it? Is it just the way i am?



Quick post. I've noticed a trend in posts recently, and well, not so recently, about sleep. Not getting it, having trouble with it, waking up all the time. I know a lot of us are already on sleeping medications, but for those who aren't, i recommend them. Sometimes nothing else will work. And believe me, any side effects of sleeping pills are worth it (other than drowsiness in the daytime), because sleep is so essential to normal functioning.


This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?

So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences


Me no likey Abilify

The end of a stressful week.

First, thank you to everyone who reads the rambles of my daily life. You read the accounts of other people for a reason, so i hope i help fulfill your purpose somehow. I'm sure these blogs will be a very valuable record for me. And thank you for encouraging comments, which i will try my best to return again. They never go unappreciated.

Well.. It's been a whirlwind of a week. I've had makeup tests up to my neck, schoolwork, reading, papers, etc. My teachers have been lenient and kind, for the most part. The rest of the weekend will be spent tying up loose ends, because our first quarter marking period is coming to an end. It's awfully stressful, but i did it! And im proud of myself. I have some more reading and i need to work on my paper, but im going over to Jacobs and working on it tomorrow. For some reason, homework is much more enjoyable when he's around.

Today i went to retrieve a few things from the hospital that i left there. It was weird coming back without checking in. I felt a little bad for the people inside, but i know its good for them as it was for me. Then, i went shopping and ate at joe's crab shack. It was deeeeelicious. Also, i saw The Social Network, which i really liked. I enjoyed the character of Mark... his personality was so intriguing. We shared a lot of traits. Except, of course, my wit is not scripted =P

It's cold and flu season, unfortunately, and it's hitting me hard. Nose, throat, fatigue, aches. If anyone knows any good homeopathic remedies, let me know.
I think i'm going to go make some hot chocolate!

Oh, and the Abilify problem. It's making me gain even more weight than my birth control and Depakote previously did. Which adds up quite a bit. But, im trying not to let it worry me, because im going on a stricter diet, and im also starting zumba classes! I'm trying to ward off any further weight gain and possbily lose some as well. I hear this is a very common abilify side effect. i just had to buy new clothes because im growing out of all mine! ugh. awful.
ill have to go for a run tomorrow.

farewell, my medicine is inducing sleep!


Back from the Hospital

So, i was moved to an inpatient facility a couple of weeks ago. I just got out a couple days ago, so im updating finally! It was, overall, an okay stay. Very regulated, of course, and when we weren't in therapy we were journaling about our day and telling the doctors how we feel. They took down my Cymbalta to 60 mg, doubled my trazodone, and added Abilify. Just started so im only on 5mg. At least i sleep reeeeeally well. Haha.

I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.

So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.

My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?

 jacob and memphis
Still sleepy. Nap time.

She is so the love of my life.