One, two, three..

All mixed up. Mixed episode? Stress. Anxiety. Lows - missing people. Longing for the past. Reaching for the inner child. Socially retreating. Hard to keep up a facade but i do it. Reading more poetry, catching up on the blogs. Dont have the energy to form full sentences...

So busy! Rehearsals galore! Soooo tired and sore all over. Ive had to ice myself, take hot baths, wear therma care wraps, use bengay, muscle relaxers, pain pills.. I got 13 hours of sleep last night but tonight i jump through my skin. i want to clean. i want to draw. i want to get lost in my own mind. i create my own world. i am there with the natural world - there are children.. asian, african... russian, mexican, brazilian, american.. we are peaceful, we are one. We live in a land of tall grasses and blossoming trees. We live with all the animals of the world, in perfect harmony. No one needs to eat. No one needs to kill. The beautiful moments are everywhere. A young gorilla reaches out his tiny hand and we play games together. The leopards yawn in the shade. I lie among wildflowers and inhale the scent. It's my perfection.

I dont want to cut. I dont want to do drugs. I dont even need a drink.. But i do have so much inside i feel i could burst. I dont know what it is or where it comes from. My exes have shown up in my dreams lately. In my dreams i was very much in love with them still. I awoke feeling... strange. I adore my Jacob, he is everything i could ever want. But i cant shake those dreams! And i dont have time to make an appointment with Dr T before the Pan shows start, so any anxiety will have to be dealt with on my own... Hopefully i dont fail at that.

My head hurts.
My essence hurts.

I am glad i have friends. Sometimes i think its all a sham. But not now.
I am eating whatever food i want. Ive gained fifteen pounds this year and i hate it. But im not going to let it bring me down.. i wont. i cant.

too tired to go on. my love goes out.

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