I'm starting a new bloggity. My old one dealt chiefly with my eating disorder, but ive been "recovering" for a while. I'm writing this mainly for my benefit. There's something about getting it all out there where anyone can see...
Feel free to follow along on my journey through this existence.
I should try not to use real names, because my family and friends are nosy-ass bitches like you've never seen. I almost had to shut down my other sites.
I go by Ana here on the interwebs. Nice to meet you. Lets chat sometime.
I'm only sixteen. I've been seeing psychologists for a few years. I was a unipolar depressive and GAD for a while. I've tried Paxil, Cymbalta, etc.. I havent had normal sleep patterns in years, and i can't concentrate worth a fuck most days in school because of these damn medications.
I'm the right age for the onset of bipolar, which i was diagnosed with only this year. I've just gotten on mood stabilizers.. first try: Depakote!
So far, ive had tremors, sweating, nausea.. I just feel like shit a lot. That's probably also because ive just come down from a manic episode. When im up, im fucking up, man. Drinking, drugs, sex, rebellion, risk, irritability, total bitchiness, no sleep.. I wrote a shitload of poetry and it was amazing.
Since ive come down, i cant write worth a shit, i sleep, i eat like a fat ass.. It sucks.
Thank Zeus there's a Law & Order SVU marathon on today.
they think im crazy because i talk to flowers and plants and animals. But everyone does that, really... everything in the universe communicates with everything else, thats how the world works! Just because i try harder than other people to connect with the universe doesnt mean in psychotic, shit. i say this because i planted some baby flowers in the back yard and i need to go check on them..
The past month has been one big blur of doctor's visits and boredom. I went through a breakup that triggered one of the worst episodes ive ever had. He was such a jackass. I hope his children get raped in front of his face one day. He's caused me to become crazier than i ever have been, and he abandoned me because he "couldnt handle it." What the fuck? Did he think about how hard it is to LIVE with it?
Sorry. Ranty McRanter.
I need books to read...
My brain feels completely dulled down. I dont want to do shit. But i still have a lot of racing thoughts. I just jump from subject to subject. It's sunny outside... I love sunlight. I need to get the fuck out of this house, but im sort of scared to go anywhere. I get social anxiety like nobody's business.. And to look socially acceptable i have to put on clothes that arent pajamas and put makeup and shit on.. Perhaps even take a shower. No thank you...
I have to try so hard just to get through without being locked up or some shit. I have to get through school. At least there are only a few weeks left. You gotta learn to say the right things to the doctors, keep them thinking you're staying afloat. Take your pills like a good little girl.
Enough rambles. I'll post more about the crazies later.
"Maybe the room is filled with water, and maybe i am actually a goldfish: