What if we have it all wrong? Who can say for sure that water isn't air and colors exist? Charles Kingsley could be right, the keeper is just a poacher turned inside out!
It's almost 6 in the morning and i haven't been tired yet, i've been up all night. Hopefully that's not a bad sign. Oh well, we'll see.
In other exciting news, I will be playing the role of Peter Pan in my community theatre's summer production of Peter Pan the Musical ! Vair vair exciting. Of course, i'll have to get on that healthy diet thing and do some cardio, i need a kickass lung capacity. And i get to fly! haha. So i'm really nervous what with performance anxiety, but im too excited to notice much right now. All is well.
My darling came home from new york today, presents in hand :) haha. He is very sweet. I've decided i deserve someone who will treat me right, and he treats me splendidly. We're going to watch Donnie Darko tomorrow.
I think i just want to sit in a coffee shop and read about quantum mechanics and discuss philosophy all day...
I guess i had so much on my mind and nowhere to get it out, so here i am! Haha. I've been very good at self control lately. I don't scream or anything much, and i just lie in bed and let sickness and madness pass. I'm a wonderful little actress, putting on smiles when i need to. MY MOTHER who reads my blog behind my back said she's "not even sure" if i have an "illness". WHAT?! Oh, sure mom, people who are perfectly healthy and stable go to psychologists once a week and take seven pills a night just to stay functional. You think this is some show i put on? You think its fun for me or something? That its the easy way out? Hell fucking no. I didn't want my grades to drop, i didnt want to lose some of my best friends because they couldn't handle my insanity! i dont want to drive away everyone i care about, i dont want to have scars for the rest of my life, i dont want to lie awake at night telling the music to stop playing and the voices to shut up, i dont want to be completely unpredictable from one day to the next! It's hell. So shove a little bit of sympathy up your ass. Im only sixteen, for christ's sake.
Whew. Rant over. Sorry, guys... I dont say that kind of thing to people's faces anymore. I'll just get in trouble. I just wish i had a therapist on speed dial, you know?
The sun is coming up and i hear birds outside my window. I may as well go meditate as the sun rises, since im up..
There are lone cemeteries,
tombs full of soundless bones,
the heart threading a tunnel,
a dark, dark tunnel :
like a wreck we die to the very core,
as if drowning at the heart
or collapsing inwards from skin to soul.
There are corpses,
clammy slabs for feet,
there is death in the bones,
like a pure sound,
a bark without its dog,
out of certain bells, certain tombs
swelling in this humidity like lament or rain.