Where did this feeling go?!

Sometimes i feel bad for not posting every day like some people. But i must remember it is my blog to do as i wish. A lot of days i just can't bring myself to write. Anyway, today i got up and realized i forgot to take my medicine last night. I took it later on with lunch, and went back to sleep. I slept until 5 pm ! And then got up because call for Peter Pan is at 6. But i realized all day that i felt GREAT! I had so much energy, i was bouncing around, i was smiling and dancing.. man i miss that feeling. I love that feeling, i feel like me again. You know?  My boyfriend could tell how happy i was. I know my brain's just going "Oh, no medicine today guys! PARTY TIME!" But still, its wonderful. On top of that, i added an energy drink, and i felt so good! had a great performance. I want to write, draw, laugh.. its wearing down of course, because i did take my medicine, but i havent taken the stabilizers yet. Those are the ones that drag me down. I may just take a half dose..? Yeah yeah, screwing with your meds is bad, whatever. Tell me something i dont know!

My mind clouds over with suffocating anxiety whenever i think of school starting next month. It's going to be awful. I hate my school, especially football season and all that bullshit. I have extra classes this year, so im going to have tons of homework, along with college apps, and i wont even be able to do theatre due to the time constraint. Im going to wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and sleep... every day... and try not to go back on that rapid roller-coaster. I've had a fairly stable summer, and i'd hate to see that go down the drain.. yet im almost certain it will. Id like to remain positive, but i also cant help but be realistic. The people at my school.. well, they just arent fun to interact with for the most part. Not everyone, granted, but many. It doesnt help social anxiety or whatever. And if there's ever a day where you dont want to be social - god forbid- you become the bitchy loner or something. High schoolers have assbackward logic anyway, so i try not to worry about it.. who cares.

I guess that's all. Nothing much has been going on. Not feeling toooo tempted to SI. Every now and then. Not feeling out of it. Just trying to stay afloat, that's all. Family doesnt help

xx

I am not myself

I am my bipolar self..
tonight, that is. I hate it when they say its all an excuse. Its all an exaggeration. "Im bipolar" is just what we say to get away with shit normal people can't. Of course, we have no LEGITIMATE symptoms; we werent diagnosed by DOCTORS with MEDICAL DEGREES. We dont take multiple MEDICATIONS every night to treat our brains.. Thats nonsense!
Ugh, anyway.
I don't want to take my medicine. I don't like swallowing pills, and i'm already lying in bed. But there could be consequences tomorrow if i dont take it.. Idk. Mania helps me perform, after all.
There is energy bursting through my body like lightning, causing me to vibrate.
Im taking sleeping pills in hopes of calming down soon.. I don't wish to be up all night. I have another show tomorrow night. So far, it's going great. But i get home and take off the smiles.. I get home and out comes the bitch or the emo kid. It's all i can do to channel my pent up feelings into something creative, sometimes.

I'll think of something.
And go take my goodnight pills like a good girl.
And tomorrow i'll wake up and move my arms and legs
And i'll blink my eyes and wet my pants too,
And you can play with me, make me dance and sing!

One, two, three..

All mixed up. Mixed episode? Stress. Anxiety. Lows - missing people. Longing for the past. Reaching for the inner child. Socially retreating. Hard to keep up a facade but i do it. Reading more poetry, catching up on the blogs. Dont have the energy to form full sentences...

So busy! Rehearsals galore! Soooo tired and sore all over. Ive had to ice myself, take hot baths, wear therma care wraps, use bengay, muscle relaxers, pain pills.. I got 13 hours of sleep last night but tonight i jump through my skin. i want to clean. i want to draw. i want to get lost in my own mind. i create my own world. i am there with the natural world - there are children.. asian, african... russian, mexican, brazilian, american.. we are peaceful, we are one. We live in a land of tall grasses and blossoming trees. We live with all the animals of the world, in perfect harmony. No one needs to eat. No one needs to kill. The beautiful moments are everywhere. A young gorilla reaches out his tiny hand and we play games together. The leopards yawn in the shade. I lie among wildflowers and inhale the scent. It's my perfection.

I dont want to cut. I dont want to do drugs. I dont even need a drink.. But i do have so much inside i feel i could burst. I dont know what it is or where it comes from. My exes have shown up in my dreams lately. In my dreams i was very much in love with them still. I awoke feeling... strange. I adore my Jacob, he is everything i could ever want. But i cant shake those dreams! And i dont have time to make an appointment with Dr T before the Pan shows start, so any anxiety will have to be dealt with on my own... Hopefully i dont fail at that.

My head hurts.
My essence hurts.

I am glad i have friends. Sometimes i think its all a sham. But not now.
I am eating whatever food i want. Ive gained fifteen pounds this year and i hate it. But im not going to let it bring me down.. i wont. i cant.

too tired to go on. my love goes out.

Look at me, way up high!

Suddenly, here am i - im flying!
Haha. We had flying orientation for Peter Pan today. We're using ZFX. It was fun, though the harnesses take some getting used to. I have to wear mine the entire show, so i better get used to it. I love doing things like this - being lifted in the air and held by a wire thinner than my pinky! I held my head up and kept a good attitude even though i felt like horrible shit at last night's rehearsal. I think it had something to do with taking those muscle relaxers yesterday and being so tired.
Anyway, all is going well with the show. That's pretty much my life right now, since we start on the 22nd. Outside of rehearsals im doing a lot of resting and taking care of my sore muscles and aching back.

Sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But youll fight and youll make it through
Youll fake it if you have to
Youll show up for work with a smile...

-'A Better Son/Daughter' by Rilo Kiley

its pretty straight up my life. haha.

Is it odd that i find i cant control my own daydreams? I think of something, and then suddenly, something bad happens, and i cant stop it from happening no matter how hard i try or how many times i replay the situation in my mind. I guess its hard to explain without a specific example. This has been happening for years... It often frustrated me. Like if i was talking to someone and then suddenly their head got chopped off by a frisbee, no matter how hard i tried i couldnt finish my thought without that persons head getting chopped off! i dont know.. sigh.

Suppertime. Mmmm.

hey hey hey - its faaaaat ana!

IM FINALLY BACK! ive been out of town, busy, and brain-dead. But at last, i am getting back to life, and actually enjoying it. My body's adjusting to my medicine, and i am finally feeling more creative again! More fun! It's like the chains are falling away.

Im in the mood for change. I sort of cant wait til Peter Pan is over so i can get some more piercings and stop this weight worry :( then again i will probably keep worrying about the weight until i take off the pounds ive gained since starting the depakote

Speaking of Peter Pan, thats going well. I feel pretty successful with my progress. We havent started flying quite yet, and my back is hurting an awful lot.. sciatica and such. I have some muscle relaxers and pain medicine, but they make me sleepy - not preferable when running a two hour show!

I love you all, members of blogville!! I cant wait to catch up again

Poor lazarus..

I stopped writing, sowwy.
Its just....
There is nothing.
Nothing here, nothing important, nothing worth sharing. So much going on. I dont know. I cant catch up. My brain is always on standby. It takes all my energy to get through the stuff i have to do every day. Urghdjgjdhgjhh

:(

No time for breakdowns!

What if we have it all wrong? Who can say for sure that water isn't air and colors exist? Charles Kingsley could be right, the keeper is just a poacher turned inside out!
It's almost 6 in the morning and i haven't been tired yet, i've been up all night. Hopefully that's not a bad sign. Oh well, we'll see.

In other exciting news, I will be playing the role of Peter Pan in my community theatre's summer production of Peter Pan the Musical ! Vair vair exciting. Of course, i'll have to get on that healthy diet thing and do some cardio, i need a kickass lung capacity. And i get to fly! haha. So i'm really nervous what with performance anxiety, but im too excited to notice much right now. All is well.

My darling came home from new york today, presents in hand :) haha. He is very sweet. I've decided i deserve someone who will treat me right, and he treats me splendidly. We're going to watch Donnie Darko tomorrow.

I think i just want to sit in a coffee shop and read about quantum mechanics and discuss philosophy all day...

I guess i had so much on my mind and nowhere to get it out, so here i am! Haha. I've been very good at self control lately. I don't scream or anything much, and i just lie in bed and let sickness and madness pass. I'm a wonderful little actress, putting on smiles when i need to. MY MOTHER who reads my blog behind my back said she's "not even sure" if i have an "illness". WHAT?! Oh, sure mom, people who are perfectly healthy and stable go to psychologists once a week and take seven pills a night just to stay functional. You think this is some show i put on? You think its fun for me or something? That its the easy way out? Hell fucking no. I didn't want my grades to drop, i didnt want to lose some of my best friends because they couldn't handle my insanity! i dont want to drive away everyone i care about, i dont want to have scars for the rest of my life, i dont want to lie awake at night telling the music to stop playing and the voices to shut up, i dont want to be completely unpredictable from one day to the next! It's hell. So shove a little bit of sympathy up your ass. Im only sixteen, for christ's sake.

Whew. Rant over. Sorry, guys... I dont say that kind of thing to people's faces anymore. I'll just get in trouble. I just wish i had a therapist on speed dial, you know?
The sun is coming up and i hear birds outside my window. I may as well go meditate as the sun rises, since im up..




There are lone cemeteries,


tombs full of soundless bones,

the heart threading a tunnel,

a dark, dark tunnel :

like a wreck we die to the very core,

as if drowning at the heart

or collapsing inwards from skin to soul.



There are corpses,

clammy slabs for feet,

there is death in the bones,

like a pure sound,

a bark without its dog,

out of certain bells, certain tombs

swelling in this humidity like lament or rain.

-Death Alone