Walking in Circles

I pace a lot now.
My body is adjusting better to the new stabilizers, im not feeling like shit all the time. just, you know, often.
I'm concentrating a little better in school.
My teacher had a "talk" with me today about my "issues". It's kind of nice to know that someone notices and cares, though. Most pass me off as lazy or distracted, even though i have always been a brilliant student

I walk in circles. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor freezing cold the other night.
I woke up with puffy eyes from crying.

So, normally, i have social anxiety.. That means shaking, sweating, stuttering, the works. Today i had an interview! The pressure makes it like ten times worse!
But i think it went okay and that makes me happier, a lot happier.
I have a project to do today and im not looking forward to that :(

I just want to run around ten miles a minute but also i kind of want to lay down for ten years.

Lune

From a journal entry

"Lune is my best friend
Lune looks me in the eye
Lune knows sadness and silence
Lune talks to me when everyone else sleeps and dreams
Lune is caged and limited
Lune does not wander far, Lune waits for the stars to burn out because they are boring!
Lune sees me in the grass with my toes and deep eyes and focuses the light on me
When the clouds make Lune go far away, i am sad, because that means our whispers are muffled
Lune does not die
And Lune speaks to my body threads
so i love Lune
Because i know Lune will never ever leave me"

That is what happens on a high, i am pulled away from my human companions and into my otherworld where the moon, Lune, is my best friend
I could sit for hours and stare at the sky and pour out my thoughts.
Tonight i cannot sleep.
I am adjusting to my latest meds and am feeling rather like i felt before i started them...

My favorite book is The Eleventh Hour. I can recite almost all of it from memory. When i am sad and crying and shaking and panicking, i can usually say it over and over to myself in a meditative way to calm down. I see it as a grand metaphor for the world.... maybe i will explain that later

I could post a poem now.
This is a rough one...
I never knew what to title this one. something about A Monster Named Wednesday.

I am soft. You cannot touch me.
I havve a machine.
I press pretty buttons
And change my mind
one lever at a time, one
after the other. Perfect.
Like little paper dolls.
Dont frown in the mirror all the time!
Build the great wall
Around your sullen eyes.
After all, dolls die
When no one loves them anymore

Me? I was afraid of their wide eyes
So i stayed home
And ate chinese.
I was afraid that you
had more than me
So i never left home.
I locked my plate, crawled into a cave
and gnawed on the flesh of the holy.
the smallest pixels danced for me in leaps
lit sparklers
in my ears, rather
like cocaine.

but i have little soldiers
who march in blue
to take my blues away.
Drum! As the moon looks
through his telescope
('cause he always was a pervert
and lit paths for sinners).

Now sleep!
Sleep, and hope you wake up
with the same face on.
What do stars do while you dream?

Sunday is Easter.
Rocks will fall into the sea.
The Sea bleeds.



and thats all, folks.... hmmm. i feel bland.
humans are so inefficient.
goodnight, fellow robots.

My letters to the moon

WOAH!
Hypomania emerges again... I'm taking my depakote religiously, so maybe i'll have to add something.

I had rehearsals and a show tonight and i spent all day with this energy, i was able to talk to people and smile and sing. I could focus on everything i was doing. I felt really good. It was a nice day. I made all these plans... plans to have parties, to take vacations, to try career paths. Man planning my future is one of my FAVORITE things to do when any kind of mania is ahead of me because of all the possibilities. I wanted drugs and sex and rock and roll! I wanted to buy makeup and earrings and shoes and a puppy...

Maybe its just the summer sun getting to me

But i think i could write something worth a shit tonight!
I feel like an empty shell of nothing at all when i dont write...

I just laugh. I laugh at pleasure and pain and anything at all.
My mom tried to get me to eat meat. my family always tries to do that. when will they understand i DO NOT EAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURES! i dont care if other people do, but i cannot physically make myself. It feels like eating my own sister or something...

shit, i had the best veggie lo mein of my life today.

subject to subject? yes, my thoughts are flying. i need to blog just to keep track of anything that goes on in my mind, i cant write fast enough.

wowwzywowow. sometimes i want to die so much and sometimes i am SO scared of dying..
do you ever think hospitalization would just be a nice quiet break where everyone expects your "craziness"?



.......All i can think about is the chicken salad. chicken salad. the fridge. ugh.
why am i so violent sometimes? oh and unsympathetic and cruel. but only to people, never to plants or animals or rocks or fungi.

sometimes i wonder about reincarnation and what i could come back as and what i used to be and all the things i could become in the course of eternity. i mean, i usually dont believe in that, but its a neat idea

perhaps i could even be a drop in the ocean

We Are The Freaks

They don't like us. We are not normal.

We do not confine ourselves to logic and reason. That scares them. They do not want to be scared.

We are the crazies..

Do not be fooled. None of them will understand you.

Our world speaks in colors and they cannot read our languages.

When everything is sharpened, or the entire world is worthless.. the crazies reign. We have knowledge beyond their comprehension.
They are afraid.

We do not change ourselves for them, because we are gifted beyond measure. We do not waste our gifts on their less significant life-forms...
that would be crazy

;)

Dissociative Wednesdays

So it's mid-week.
It's going like i expected. It sucks. School is just a big shit-fest, i wander class to class like a zombie. I feel awful. Went to see my tdoc for a long time this morning, though. Since i just came down from mania, im reeeeally fucking down, but i should level out soon. I hope to zeus he's right.
I have tests and projects and finals and shit just when i start to feel my worst. Sometimes i wish mania had better timing. We've been talking about how im really sadistic and impulsive and shit, and if i get out of control i could become homicidal/suicidal/whatever. So over the summer i may require hospitalization. Which is whatever... Ive never been hospitalized for it but i think itd be an interesting experience...
I just want some goddamn margaritas, i mean its Cinco de Mayo for crying out loud!
Just trying not to get overwhelmed :(

Geez, i feel so much more sane when i write on this thing. I'm not being shunned out of some cookie cutter world that i refuse to fit in to. Im not criticized for my lack of being boring and normal..

I want to read "When Rabbit Howls"

Don't want to do anything... It's only six thirty and im in pajamas and a sweatshirt. Its ninety degrees outside, so why is it a meat locker in my house? Ugh. I may sneak out tonight and roam around. Or sleep outside. That'd be fun. I cut my hair earlier. I love cutting my hair. I just trimmed the layers. The more choppy and fragmented it looks, the more it reflects who i am....

I write a lot of poetry, so i'm going to have to start posting some. There's a LOT i dont share with anyone. Im sure my parents have read it because they go through all my fucking stuff, but whatever.

I also think it's funny that they threaten me with things like alternative schools and all this other shit. Like im scared of that? Please. I keyed this guys car today because he's an asshole and my friend was like "What if they lock you up?"
I say "Then i'll take that fucking psych ward by storm!"
Ha.

Enough of this. Update later!

Second post of the day.. Ive gotten some more down time. And nights are better for me. its about midnight. Things become sharper at night, sounds more distinct.

I have to get up rather early tomorrow and im going to be so lazy all day. I could maybe swing a sick day, since ive just gotten on new meds and theyre wrecking my digestive system.. i dont know. it will be awful, of that im sure.

what i cant stand is the numbing of the mind. my creativity becomes wiped out, like a cleared etch a sketch. I can only summon up tiny remains of what i have when im high - when colors fly and melt together and paint the world. It's like words and lines used to be stars in the sky, and i could spin webs between them with merely my fingertips... And now the night is completely cloudly.

Its awful.

Ive got to have my blood work done tomorrow. It fascinates me. I cant see Terry, my tdoc, until wednesday... sigh. I love my sessions. I wish i could stay there all day. Which is a nice change from the crazy ladies i had for the first two years of therapy.
I took melatonin to add some extra drowsiness, so i hope it acts quickly. Nighttime is when my state becomes hightened, whether mania, depression, or numbness. I like staying up to the point where im so tired its like being drugged..

They dont understand that i used drugs to bring my brain down. that i was so high above everyone and i couldnt stop thinking and thinking... i just wanted peace and silence like a normal person every now and then.

the medicines... on one hand i dont feel like a crazy motherfucker. on the other, my creativity is something i cherish greatly.
what to do, what to do?

Anxiety and stress, i see youve returned! oh joy. Also, im eating SO much right now that i dont know what to do. Its literally frightening. How do i deal with that?

the blogworld makes me feel not-so-lonely. i have my own world, my own community of folks who understand. Practically NO ONE around here understands.
Sweet dreams

Intros

Hi, blogosphere
I'm starting a new bloggity. My old one dealt chiefly with my eating disorder, but ive been "recovering" for a while. I'm writing this mainly for my benefit. There's something about getting it all out there where anyone can see...
Feel free to follow along on my journey through this existence.

I should try not to use real names, because my family and friends are nosy-ass bitches like you've never seen. I almost had to shut down my other sites.

I go by Ana here on the interwebs. Nice to meet you. Lets chat sometime.
I'm only sixteen. I've been seeing psychologists for a few years. I was a unipolar depressive and GAD for a while. I've tried Paxil, Cymbalta, etc.. I havent had normal sleep patterns in years, and i can't concentrate worth a fuck most days in school because of these damn medications.
I'm the right age for the onset of bipolar, which i was diagnosed with only this year. I've just gotten on mood stabilizers.. first try: Depakote!

So far, ive had tremors, sweating, nausea.. I just feel like shit a lot. That's probably also because ive just come down from a manic episode. When im up, im fucking up, man. Drinking, drugs, sex, rebellion, risk, irritability, total bitchiness, no sleep.. I wrote a shitload of poetry and it was amazing.

Since ive come down, i cant write worth a shit, i sleep, i eat like a fat ass.. It sucks.
Thank Zeus there's a Law & Order SVU marathon on today.

Ugh.

they think im crazy because i talk to flowers and plants and animals. But everyone does that, really... everything in the universe communicates with everything else, thats how the world works! Just because i try harder than other people to connect with the universe doesnt mean in psychotic, shit. i say this because i planted some baby flowers in the back yard and i need to go check on them..

The past month has been one big blur of doctor's visits and boredom. I went through a breakup that triggered one of the worst episodes ive ever had. He was such a jackass. I hope his children get raped in front of his face one day. He's caused me to become crazier than i ever have been, and he abandoned me because he "couldnt handle it." What the fuck? Did he think about how hard it is to LIVE with it?

Sorry. Ranty McRanter.

I need books to read...

My brain feels completely dulled down. I dont want to do shit. But i still have a lot of racing thoughts. I just jump from subject to subject. It's sunny outside... I love sunlight. I need to get the fuck out of this house, but im sort of scared to go anywhere. I get social anxiety like nobody's business.. And to look socially acceptable i have to put on clothes that arent pajamas and put makeup and shit on.. Perhaps even take a shower. No thank you...

I have to try so hard just to get through without being locked up or some shit. I have to get through school. At least there are only a few weeks left. You gotta learn to say the right things to the doctors, keep them thinking you're staying afloat. Take your pills like a good little girl.

Enough rambles. I'll post more about the crazies later.

"Maybe the room is filled with water, and maybe i am actually a goldfish: