Hiding in my comfort cave.

Hello all! I've had a very good day today. I woke up awfully tired for work this morning at 8:30, and then i went to Starbucks afterward to sip coffee and work on research. The funniest thing happened while i was there. I was sitting outside, obviously looking a bit frazzled over my work, when a total stranger walks by. The man flashes me a smile, says, "They sure do make things hard on you, huh?" I said yes and smiled back and sort of laughed, and he went inside. A few minutes later he reemerged with his coffe and said "Good luck with everything!" with another big smile. He leaves. I tell him thank you and i sit there, wondering why i feel epxonentially better. I guess encouragement from strangers is really helpful. It was the highlight of my day.
Then, i went back to campus to go to calculus class. I sat there and actually understood the material. I felt productive and functional. i completed my homework and turned it in on time.
I went to the doctor and discovered that yes, i did miscarry. I was only five weeks and several factors including  severe nutrient deficiency and excessive use of caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs influenced the event. It felt sad and i was a little empty for  while. But, i went and relaxed and reflected. I feel okay about it. I decided that despite whats happening, Im going to be happy. Its been too long since i've been happy and i deserve it. Im trying my hardest to always keep my chin up, and things are looking brighter already. I guess its okay because i most likely couldn't have kept the child anyway, even with adoption, but it still isnt the best feeling in the world. Im going back for vaccuum aspiration Thursday as a "just in case" procedure. It looks frightening, but i am a tough woman. Ill get through it and get on with life. Ill definitely talk to my therapist about all of this soon. Our meetings are more rare because of the distance between us now. I do miss him a lot. I had to send the news to the father via his campus mailbox because he isnt allowed to speak to me right now. Its an inconvenient time for lack of communication, but ill do what i must. I hope to hear a response soon. I expect when he reads the news he'll be happy, or relieved. I only hope the circumstances don't push him away.
I just finished a project! I got pretty far on cleaning my room, and i made the area under my bed into a little cave/fort thing. I put my sheets up, i put a sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows under here, along with stuffed animals, food, books, and christmas lights. Its nice and sometimes comforting to retreat to a little space that feels safe. I expect ill just read and relax the rest of the night. I'll do a bit of homework here and there, but im mostly going to eat some soup, listen to music, and get some new books on the Kindle. Should be a nice night and an early bedtime. I hope to wake up in time for 7 o clock yoga class!
There you have it, goodnight and goodluck.
xx

Too much space for one girl.

Nights get very lonely.Usually I have someone to stay with me, but not this week. Unfortunately, this is the time where i could most use someone to hold or even lie next to. But i'm all alone. This room is too big for me. My bed is too big. It's too empty. There's only me. I need a little space where I can curl up, where I feel like i fill all the spaces. I can't seem to fall asleep this way.
At least I was able to eat dinner tonight. I ate more in one meal than i have in a long time, probably because i was so excited to hold food in without getting too sick (I still felt bad, but i held it all down). I ate macaroni and cheese and four rolls. I rarely eat much in the Caf these days. I just don't like it. Honestly, I've been fine with not eating, because I'm still losing weight. Even though i know i should eat, i love the feeling of shedding these disgusting medication pounds. I have begun consciously making the decision to avoid food again. But I'm okay with it. It isn't on a dangerous level yet, and i'll do what i want to do, and i'll take care of myself. Fuck feeling guilty about things. I have enough on my mind without unnecessary negative emotions like that. If i want to eat, i'll eat, and if i don't, i won't.
I also motivated myself to get up and go to the science building to study with some friends. I was proud of myself for doing what i needed to do despite feeling so extraordinarily shitty.
It's now nearing one in the morning, and i have to get up at 8:30 for work. After work, I have the doctor, and after the doctor, i have calculus class. Ill be running around until about two o clock, but after that, i'll be back on the web to update you about my visit. Wish me luck, peace, and wellness. I wish the same for you.
Goodnight. xx

Does Anyone Remember Me?

I haven't posted regularly in ages. I'm still me. I'm still Ana. I've moved cities, started a new college, made new friends, done new things, loved new people, and made new mistakes.
So much has changed, and i almost feel like i've lost myself. I look at old photos and I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger. I miss who I was. I miss how I felt. That's why I'm writing again. Writing used to be so important to me, and it kept me together when I was falling apart. I need a place to put myself out there. I need a place to let these thoughts and feelings go, where you don't know me and I don't hide anything.
I've grown... I'm better at handling stressors (sometimes), I'm on a stable dose of medication, I'm living on my own. But, you know how these things go. You have to ride the waves, and often, when you crash down onto the shore, you want to snap. The past few months that I've been in college, there have been times when I've almost shut down. My mind couldn't handle it and my body couldn't handle it. Too many things, too many responsibilities, too many people and emotions, too much of everything. I've been very physically ill.
I've relapsed into cutting once or twice, i'm slowly relapsing into anorexia, and i'm feeling things that i thought had been gone for a long time. I'm loving and letting go, I'm hurting and crying and smiling and laughing. But I still don't have  that spark in me... The passion i used to have. I had a love for life, with all its ups and downs, and i had a love for art, expression, music, poetry, people. The fire in my eyes has been gone for far too long. Do i even have a personality anymore?
I'm still taking my Lexapro, but i'm not taking my Depakote regularly. It destroys me. I hate myself when I'm on it. Granted, i'll still hate myself off of it sometimes, but I'd suffer the bad for the good any day.
I'm not in a relationship anymore. My boyfriend and I broke up in April, and i stayed single over the summer. I had a few flings, but i mostly focused on myself. Trying to get my own shit together before the semester started. Now I'm here, and I still need to focus on myself, my friends, school, and responsibilities. I have a Boy who often stays the night with me. I sleep with him on a regular basis. We hang out sometimes. It's an odd situation though. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved, so I'm keeping myself as distant as possible. I'm afraid of the same thing as everyone- getting hurt. He has the power to hurt me, and that's terrifying. I can't seem to let him go. It's very close to an addiction. I don't want to love him, but sometimes I worry that I'm beginning to. It's very unhealthy. I think about it often. It's been further complicated by my recent visit to the doctor, where i found out i was pregnant with his child. However, Old Self reemerged and decided it would be a good idea to drown my child in alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs, and severely deprive him or her of nutrients. My feelings were temporarily lost in a sea of intoxication, and i've been cramping for two days and bleeding. Im going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm my suspected miscarriage.
School is difficult and class is busy. I'm too tired and upset to get my work done sometimes. I'm also anemic and protein-deficient as well as being sick, so i'm having a hard time completing all of my assignments and making good grades. I'm trying very hard, though... I'm about to complete some calculus homework. My second-day hangover prevented me from going to class this morning. I'm able to eat more today, though. I was too sick to eat yesterday, but i didnt really care. I don't enjoy eating very much. All it does is keep me alive, right?
Anyway, that's the summary of my life right now. I'll be posting quite often. I'll explain more of this in detail in the coming days. I love you all.

Im baaaaack.

Its been eight months, i bet you thought i abandoned this blog!
Im ready to start posting again, for several reasons.

-Im stabilized. I have been for months. I found a med combo that works!
-Im about to start college and im a little worried about this college stress + bipolar equation
-I really need to write again!

So here i am. Ill write in more detail later. Right now, im very tired. I have to get some sleep. Night all.

Im proud of myself

I drove a car today!! and id only had half a klonopin haha

I feel a little better. Ive made it through another week. Now all i have to do is get through this semester's finals... and im good to go. Im going to the beach with my boyfriend's family, so that'll be a much needed break for me and my sanity. I can't wait until christmas.

i live with two bitches and one is a dog

my mom sucks a lot sometimes. when she is tired life is alllll about her and not about helping me with my illness. yeah yeah everyone can be selfish sometimes and im like one of the most selfish people on earth, but still. i wanted to spend eleven dollars on art supplies because art therapy helps me feel better when im not doing so good, and she freaked out. eleven dollars is apparently far too much money to spend on my mental health. like i know there are a lot of other expenses too, i get that, what with the psychiatrist, the counseling, the medications, the hospital.. but still, i just dont get the big deal. and when she turns pissy so do i so now im just in an awful terrible mood.
My life right now just sucks because i get anxiety everywhere i go so i cant go anywhere or do anything.. at school i take double my klonopin dose just to get by. in the grocery store i freak out if people make eye contact with me. i think someones going to push me down the stairs or give me a contagious disease. i dont like socializing at all. i can only go places with jacob because i dont feel anxious around me and he really helps me feel better. i feel protected from all those things when im with him. otherwise i just want to stay in my room and read anne sexton and burn incense until i choke.
right now, im just stuffing my face with brownies. i dont even care that im a total fatass. fuckity fuck fuck fuck it.

Off Abilify!

And loving it! I also finally got back to taking klonopin, which really helps my anxiety. Lately i have anxiety in crowds, in cars, in school.. its exhausting. Ive missed school too much because i have felt overwhelmed and i have an ungodly amount of catching up to do. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing, and when i need cheering up or calming down, hes there. Theres lots more to write about, but i have to jet. Later!