Nights get very lonely.Usually I have someone to stay with me, but not this week. Unfortunately, this is the time where i could most use someone to hold or even lie next to. But i'm all alone. This room is too big for me. My bed is too big. It's too empty. There's only me. I need a little space where I can curl up, where I feel like i fill all the spaces. I can't seem to fall asleep this way.
At least I was able to eat dinner tonight. I ate more in one meal than i have in a long time, probably because i was so excited to hold food in without getting too sick (I still felt bad, but i held it all down). I ate macaroni and cheese and four rolls. I rarely eat much in the Caf these days. I just don't like it. Honestly, I've been fine with not eating, because I'm still losing weight. Even though i know i should eat, i love the feeling of shedding these disgusting medication pounds. I have begun consciously making the decision to avoid food again. But I'm okay with it. It isn't on a dangerous level yet, and i'll do what i want to do, and i'll take care of myself. Fuck feeling guilty about things. I have enough on my mind without unnecessary negative emotions like that. If i want to eat, i'll eat, and if i don't, i won't.
I also motivated myself to get up and go to the science building to study with some friends. I was proud of myself for doing what i needed to do despite feeling so extraordinarily shitty.
It's now nearing one in the morning, and i have to get up at 8:30 for work. After work, I have the doctor, and after the doctor, i have calculus class. Ill be running around until about two o clock, but after that, i'll be back on the web to update you about my visit. Wish me luck, peace, and wellness. I wish the same for you.
Goodnight. xx
It sounds like you have so much going on and those feelings of being lonely, really are so hard to deal with. I lived alone for 11 years before I met my husband and it was really hard. I hope you feel a little better tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteSarah