I haven't posted regularly in ages. I'm still me. I'm still Ana. I've moved cities, started a new college, made new friends, done new things, loved new people, and made new mistakes.
So much has changed, and i almost feel like i've lost myself. I look at old photos and I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger. I miss who I was. I miss how I felt. That's why I'm writing again. Writing used to be so important to me, and it kept me together when I was falling apart. I need a place to put myself out there. I need a place to let these thoughts and feelings go, where you don't know me and I don't hide anything.
I've grown... I'm better at handling stressors (sometimes), I'm on a stable dose of medication, I'm living on my own. But, you know how these things go. You have to ride the waves, and often, when you crash down onto the shore, you want to snap. The past few months that I've been in college, there have been times when I've almost shut down. My mind couldn't handle it and my body couldn't handle it. Too many things, too many responsibilities, too many people and emotions, too much of everything. I've been very physically ill.
I've relapsed into cutting once or twice, i'm slowly relapsing into anorexia, and i'm feeling things that i thought had been gone for a long time. I'm loving and letting go, I'm hurting and crying and smiling and laughing. But I still don't have that spark in me... The passion i used to have. I had a love for life, with all its ups and downs, and i had a love for art, expression, music, poetry, people. The fire in my eyes has been gone for far too long. Do i even have a personality anymore?
I'm still taking my Lexapro, but i'm not taking my Depakote regularly. It destroys me. I hate myself when I'm on it. Granted, i'll still hate myself off of it sometimes, but I'd suffer the bad for the good any day.
I'm not in a relationship anymore. My boyfriend and I broke up in April, and i stayed single over the summer. I had a few flings, but i mostly focused on myself. Trying to get my own shit together before the semester started. Now I'm here, and I still need to focus on myself, my friends, school, and responsibilities. I have a Boy who often stays the night with me. I sleep with him on a regular basis. We hang out sometimes. It's an odd situation though. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved, so I'm keeping myself as distant as possible. I'm afraid of the same thing as everyone- getting hurt. He has the power to hurt me, and that's terrifying. I can't seem to let him go. It's very close to an addiction. I don't want to love him, but sometimes I worry that I'm beginning to. It's very unhealthy. I think about it often. It's been further complicated by my recent visit to the doctor, where i found out i was pregnant with his child. However, Old Self reemerged and decided it would be a good idea to drown my child in alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs, and severely deprive him or her of nutrients. My feelings were temporarily lost in a sea of intoxication, and i've been cramping for two days and bleeding. Im going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm my suspected miscarriage.
School is difficult and class is busy. I'm too tired and upset to get my work done sometimes. I'm also anemic and protein-deficient as well as being sick, so i'm having a hard time completing all of my assignments and making good grades. I'm trying very hard, though... I'm about to complete some calculus homework. My second-day hangover prevented me from going to class this morning. I'm able to eat more today, though. I was too sick to eat yesterday, but i didnt really care. I don't enjoy eating very much. All it does is keep me alive, right?
Anyway, that's the summary of my life right now. I'll be posting quite often. I'll explain more of this in detail in the coming days. I love you all.