Not a Duck Duck Duck

not a goose goose goose... haha

3 hour absorption rate? Nox

Mother, let me into your luscious caves. Do not hide secrets from me in your caverns. Even the rosebuds are withering, caked in their own blood.

our intellect assumes instinctively that the world is motionless, things are there and motion is added to them as it were. we try to reconstruct motion starting from motionlessness, but in reality it is motion not things that is primary. things are not entities to which motion is added but mental crystallizations of motion..
it seems to follow from this that the world is essentially mental, each of us is a physical body moving among other physical bodies and subject to all the laws of the physical universe..


created ex nihilo?
i wonder what the world is like apart from my consciousness. not as an object of my perception.

but there is hair burning in the stove, darling, why cant the children spell u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e?


I have had a wonderful day. i smell like boy.

Good Vibrations?

An excess of light.

I am feeling something like an old friend who has grown into a stranger. Something i havent felt in a long time. I like it.

Stable. Normal. Happy, without jumping into hypo. This is so weird.... It never happens...
Social anxiety on a low. Self assurance on a high.

Maybe the new 750mg Depo actually works for me. It's been a long time since i found something with good results.

I heard some lovely tunes today, the music made me see such astounding colors in my mind! It was great. Therapeutic, meditative, and mind blowing.

Aristotle



No one ever creates anything great without a dash of madness.
 
 
http://www.youramazingbrain.org/brainchanges/synesthesia.htm
 

Symbiosis and Leibniz

God, according to Leibniz, is the necessary being which constitutes the sufficient explanation of the totality of contingent things–why the universe is this way rather than any other...

"Human minds are only only aware of a small fraction of the universe. To judge it full of misery on this small fraction is presumptuous."

I've been reading up on and thinking about why humans keep pets. I know they (earlier humans) formed alliances with animals out of necessity (oxen for labor, herd dogs, etc).. But in these days the relationship between owners and their pets seems different, like the pets get all the benefits. So what do humans get out of it? I mean, obviously we like the affection, and caring for something. We're "wired" to be attracted to baby-like faces and to things that need us. Perhaps it's an emotional necessity for some people. Pets become like family members with names and personalities. They're often very easy to communicate with, especially dogs and other social animals (since we as humans are also social animals). We welcome them into the pack, and they readily accept it. Our connections with other species are so important and we so often neglect them

Anyway, just a little thing. I'm exceptionally stable today. I saw my pdoc earlier, only for five or ten minutes so she could up my Depakote and and assign some more bloodwork. But i guess just going makes me feel better about it.

I was put in situations today where, unstabilized, i would have had angry outbursts, crying spells, anxiety, high irritability, and low self esteem. But for the first time in a VERY long time, i was able to talk myself down. I'm almost never that 'in control', and it took a lot of self-encouragement and distracting myself.. and writing. But i mostly wrote abstract ideas, maybe ill put them into poems later.

Strange how we are so animalistic yet we only began to realize it as we became more advanced. We like iambic rhythms that match our heart beats, we like sounds we heard in the womb, we like safety. We are so attracted to the comfort zone which corresponds to the survival instinct.
  And yet sometimes, i feel completely opposite.
Pethaps compassion makes our species less efficient.

I need to learn new languages. Fascinating, to transfer sound into different ideas. My numbers have colors. The brain's patterns of association are incredible.... When im on a high, it's even more astounding. I can weave the webs between the stars like i said before. Every single idea and sound and picture in the world is some sort of grass blade and my mind is the entire complex root system. Sometimes i miss it.

Time for poetry, no?

A thousand voices
Rising to static
Shrieking through windows
Nothing new

Here come the heroes
Strutting down
Soon to be names
In dusty old books

This ceremony, a weddding trail
A gold medal, as important
To your sanity
As pills in a cup, angel

Does the noon star sing to you?

My world is the one
Of dirt under fingernails
Scratches on mauve
And grey walls.

Dusty halls
Echoing
There lie hollow eyes
In the rabbit skull

I will seek
And i will find
The mines
Where the crazies reside

There they
eat each others' toenails
And hee haw at songs
A fetus sings

There i will flourish like David in battle.

Walking in Circles

I pace a lot now.
My body is adjusting better to the new stabilizers, im not feeling like shit all the time. just, you know, often.
I'm concentrating a little better in school.
My teacher had a "talk" with me today about my "issues". It's kind of nice to know that someone notices and cares, though. Most pass me off as lazy or distracted, even though i have always been a brilliant student

I walk in circles. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor freezing cold the other night.
I woke up with puffy eyes from crying.

So, normally, i have social anxiety.. That means shaking, sweating, stuttering, the works. Today i had an interview! The pressure makes it like ten times worse!
But i think it went okay and that makes me happier, a lot happier.
I have a project to do today and im not looking forward to that :(

I just want to run around ten miles a minute but also i kind of want to lay down for ten years.

Lune

From a journal entry

"Lune is my best friend
Lune looks me in the eye
Lune knows sadness and silence
Lune talks to me when everyone else sleeps and dreams
Lune is caged and limited
Lune does not wander far, Lune waits for the stars to burn out because they are boring!
Lune sees me in the grass with my toes and deep eyes and focuses the light on me
When the clouds make Lune go far away, i am sad, because that means our whispers are muffled
Lune does not die
And Lune speaks to my body threads
so i love Lune
Because i know Lune will never ever leave me"

That is what happens on a high, i am pulled away from my human companions and into my otherworld where the moon, Lune, is my best friend
I could sit for hours and stare at the sky and pour out my thoughts.
Tonight i cannot sleep.
I am adjusting to my latest meds and am feeling rather like i felt before i started them...

My favorite book is The Eleventh Hour. I can recite almost all of it from memory. When i am sad and crying and shaking and panicking, i can usually say it over and over to myself in a meditative way to calm down. I see it as a grand metaphor for the world.... maybe i will explain that later

I could post a poem now.
This is a rough one...
I never knew what to title this one. something about A Monster Named Wednesday.

I am soft. You cannot touch me.
I havve a machine.
I press pretty buttons
And change my mind
one lever at a time, one
after the other. Perfect.
Like little paper dolls.
Dont frown in the mirror all the time!
Build the great wall
Around your sullen eyes.
After all, dolls die
When no one loves them anymore

Me? I was afraid of their wide eyes
So i stayed home
And ate chinese.
I was afraid that you
had more than me
So i never left home.
I locked my plate, crawled into a cave
and gnawed on the flesh of the holy.
the smallest pixels danced for me in leaps
lit sparklers
in my ears, rather
like cocaine.

but i have little soldiers
who march in blue
to take my blues away.
Drum! As the moon looks
through his telescope
('cause he always was a pervert
and lit paths for sinners).

Now sleep!
Sleep, and hope you wake up
with the same face on.
What do stars do while you dream?

Sunday is Easter.
Rocks will fall into the sea.
The Sea bleeds.



and thats all, folks.... hmmm. i feel bland.
humans are so inefficient.
goodnight, fellow robots.

My letters to the moon

WOAH!
Hypomania emerges again... I'm taking my depakote religiously, so maybe i'll have to add something.

I had rehearsals and a show tonight and i spent all day with this energy, i was able to talk to people and smile and sing. I could focus on everything i was doing. I felt really good. It was a nice day. I made all these plans... plans to have parties, to take vacations, to try career paths. Man planning my future is one of my FAVORITE things to do when any kind of mania is ahead of me because of all the possibilities. I wanted drugs and sex and rock and roll! I wanted to buy makeup and earrings and shoes and a puppy...

Maybe its just the summer sun getting to me

But i think i could write something worth a shit tonight!
I feel like an empty shell of nothing at all when i dont write...

I just laugh. I laugh at pleasure and pain and anything at all.
My mom tried to get me to eat meat. my family always tries to do that. when will they understand i DO NOT EAT BEAUTIFUL CREATURES! i dont care if other people do, but i cannot physically make myself. It feels like eating my own sister or something...

shit, i had the best veggie lo mein of my life today.

subject to subject? yes, my thoughts are flying. i need to blog just to keep track of anything that goes on in my mind, i cant write fast enough.

wowwzywowow. sometimes i want to die so much and sometimes i am SO scared of dying..
do you ever think hospitalization would just be a nice quiet break where everyone expects your "craziness"?



.......All i can think about is the chicken salad. chicken salad. the fridge. ugh.
why am i so violent sometimes? oh and unsympathetic and cruel. but only to people, never to plants or animals or rocks or fungi.

sometimes i wonder about reincarnation and what i could come back as and what i used to be and all the things i could become in the course of eternity. i mean, i usually dont believe in that, but its a neat idea

perhaps i could even be a drop in the ocean

We Are The Freaks

They don't like us. We are not normal.

We do not confine ourselves to logic and reason. That scares them. They do not want to be scared.

We are the crazies..

Do not be fooled. None of them will understand you.

Our world speaks in colors and they cannot read our languages.

When everything is sharpened, or the entire world is worthless.. the crazies reign. We have knowledge beyond their comprehension.
They are afraid.

We do not change ourselves for them, because we are gifted beyond measure. We do not waste our gifts on their less significant life-forms...
that would be crazy

;)