Does Anyone Remember Me?

I haven't posted regularly in ages. I'm still me. I'm still Ana. I've moved cities, started a new college, made new friends, done new things, loved new people, and made new mistakes.
So much has changed, and i almost feel like i've lost myself. I look at old photos and I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger. I miss who I was. I miss how I felt. That's why I'm writing again. Writing used to be so important to me, and it kept me together when I was falling apart. I need a place to put myself out there. I need a place to let these thoughts and feelings go, where you don't know me and I don't hide anything.
I've grown... I'm better at handling stressors (sometimes), I'm on a stable dose of medication, I'm living on my own. But, you know how these things go. You have to ride the waves, and often, when you crash down onto the shore, you want to snap. The past few months that I've been in college, there have been times when I've almost shut down. My mind couldn't handle it and my body couldn't handle it. Too many things, too many responsibilities, too many people and emotions, too much of everything. I've been very physically ill.
I've relapsed into cutting once or twice, i'm slowly relapsing into anorexia, and i'm feeling things that i thought had been gone for a long time. I'm loving and letting go, I'm hurting and crying and smiling and laughing. But I still don't have  that spark in me... The passion i used to have. I had a love for life, with all its ups and downs, and i had a love for art, expression, music, poetry, people. The fire in my eyes has been gone for far too long. Do i even have a personality anymore?
I'm still taking my Lexapro, but i'm not taking my Depakote regularly. It destroys me. I hate myself when I'm on it. Granted, i'll still hate myself off of it sometimes, but I'd suffer the bad for the good any day.
I'm not in a relationship anymore. My boyfriend and I broke up in April, and i stayed single over the summer. I had a few flings, but i mostly focused on myself. Trying to get my own shit together before the semester started. Now I'm here, and I still need to focus on myself, my friends, school, and responsibilities. I have a Boy who often stays the night with me. I sleep with him on a regular basis. We hang out sometimes. It's an odd situation though. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved, so I'm keeping myself as distant as possible. I'm afraid of the same thing as everyone- getting hurt. He has the power to hurt me, and that's terrifying. I can't seem to let him go. It's very close to an addiction. I don't want to love him, but sometimes I worry that I'm beginning to. It's very unhealthy. I think about it often. It's been further complicated by my recent visit to the doctor, where i found out i was pregnant with his child. However, Old Self reemerged and decided it would be a good idea to drown my child in alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs, and severely deprive him or her of nutrients. My feelings were temporarily lost in a sea of intoxication, and i've been cramping for two days and bleeding. Im going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm my suspected miscarriage.
School is difficult and class is busy. I'm too tired and upset to get my work done sometimes. I'm also anemic and protein-deficient as well as being sick, so i'm having a hard time completing all of my assignments and making good grades. I'm trying very hard, though... I'm about to complete some calculus homework. My second-day hangover prevented me from going to class this morning. I'm able to eat more today, though. I was too sick to eat yesterday, but i didnt really care. I don't enjoy eating very much. All it does is keep me alive, right?
Anyway, that's the summary of my life right now. I'll be posting quite often. I'll explain more of this in detail in the coming days. I love you all.

Im baaaaack.

Its been eight months, i bet you thought i abandoned this blog!
Im ready to start posting again, for several reasons.

-Im stabilized. I have been for months. I found a med combo that works!
-Im about to start college and im a little worried about this college stress + bipolar equation
-I really need to write again!

So here i am. Ill write in more detail later. Right now, im very tired. I have to get some sleep. Night all.

Im proud of myself

I drove a car today!! and id only had half a klonopin haha

I feel a little better. Ive made it through another week. Now all i have to do is get through this semester's finals... and im good to go. Im going to the beach with my boyfriend's family, so that'll be a much needed break for me and my sanity. I can't wait until christmas.

i live with two bitches and one is a dog

my mom sucks a lot sometimes. when she is tired life is alllll about her and not about helping me with my illness. yeah yeah everyone can be selfish sometimes and im like one of the most selfish people on earth, but still. i wanted to spend eleven dollars on art supplies because art therapy helps me feel better when im not doing so good, and she freaked out. eleven dollars is apparently far too much money to spend on my mental health. like i know there are a lot of other expenses too, i get that, what with the psychiatrist, the counseling, the medications, the hospital.. but still, i just dont get the big deal. and when she turns pissy so do i so now im just in an awful terrible mood.
My life right now just sucks because i get anxiety everywhere i go so i cant go anywhere or do anything.. at school i take double my klonopin dose just to get by. in the grocery store i freak out if people make eye contact with me. i think someones going to push me down the stairs or give me a contagious disease. i dont like socializing at all. i can only go places with jacob because i dont feel anxious around me and he really helps me feel better. i feel protected from all those things when im with him. otherwise i just want to stay in my room and read anne sexton and burn incense until i choke.
right now, im just stuffing my face with brownies. i dont even care that im a total fatass. fuckity fuck fuck fuck it.

Off Abilify!

And loving it! I also finally got back to taking klonopin, which really helps my anxiety. Lately i have anxiety in crowds, in cars, in school.. its exhausting. Ive missed school too much because i have felt overwhelmed and i have an ungodly amount of catching up to do. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing, and when i need cheering up or calming down, hes there. Theres lots more to write about, but i have to jet. Later!

Capture this in a bottle!!

OMG
senses dont make sensei didnt know a clock could tick so much
i cant even walk without falling because gravity doesnt work with my body
physics and quantum mechanics are dusty old words in dusty books in the past because nothing applies anymore. i take up space in this space and so does he and we all press on a key and the key presses against us a simple action and reaction force it makes a sound!
people are talking in places and in my little boxes like in the cupboard or something. dave dane DANE COOK is on the box.
my dog trying nto figure out a strategy to eat the bone as i try and type this out. she tries but its too plastic she tries but its brittle she tries and she tries again.
tick tick tick tick on your neck nothing on your neck
a comfy couch is not enough to hold my back and this laptop feels like...
it is a portal.

i wonder who put this clock here and i wonder why and im all alone

Sucks

I went to the doctor today to see if i have mono or something, because im tired constantly. Could easily be my medications, but its more recent than that. Either way i have to stop trazodone to see if thats what makes me so tired. so now i wont be able to sleep. great.

Cant get off abilify until christmas break. Ugh.

I still eat way too much. My appetite is insatiable.. hmph. It got way better when i was off birth control, so im thinking thats a big contributing factor.

So tired. Dont want to do school work. Don't even want to be awake.

Sucks.