i live with two bitches and one is a dog

my mom sucks a lot sometimes. when she is tired life is alllll about her and not about helping me with my illness. yeah yeah everyone can be selfish sometimes and im like one of the most selfish people on earth, but still. i wanted to spend eleven dollars on art supplies because art therapy helps me feel better when im not doing so good, and she freaked out. eleven dollars is apparently far too much money to spend on my mental health. like i know there are a lot of other expenses too, i get that, what with the psychiatrist, the counseling, the medications, the hospital.. but still, i just dont get the big deal. and when she turns pissy so do i so now im just in an awful terrible mood.
My life right now just sucks because i get anxiety everywhere i go so i cant go anywhere or do anything.. at school i take double my klonopin dose just to get by. in the grocery store i freak out if people make eye contact with me. i think someones going to push me down the stairs or give me a contagious disease. i dont like socializing at all. i can only go places with jacob because i dont feel anxious around me and he really helps me feel better. i feel protected from all those things when im with him. otherwise i just want to stay in my room and read anne sexton and burn incense until i choke.
right now, im just stuffing my face with brownies. i dont even care that im a total fatass. fuckity fuck fuck fuck it.

Off Abilify!

And loving it! I also finally got back to taking klonopin, which really helps my anxiety. Lately i have anxiety in crowds, in cars, in school.. its exhausting. Ive missed school too much because i have felt overwhelmed and i have an ungodly amount of catching up to do. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing, and when i need cheering up or calming down, hes there. Theres lots more to write about, but i have to jet. Later!

Capture this in a bottle!!

OMG
senses dont make sensei didnt know a clock could tick so much
i cant even walk without falling because gravity doesnt work with my body
physics and quantum mechanics are dusty old words in dusty books in the past because nothing applies anymore. i take up space in this space and so does he and we all press on a key and the key presses against us a simple action and reaction force it makes a sound!
people are talking in places and in my little boxes like in the cupboard or something. dave dane DANE COOK is on the box.
my dog trying nto figure out a strategy to eat the bone as i try and type this out. she tries but its too plastic she tries but its brittle she tries and she tries again.
tick tick tick tick on your neck nothing on your neck
a comfy couch is not enough to hold my back and this laptop feels like...
it is a portal.

i wonder who put this clock here and i wonder why and im all alone

Sucks

I went to the doctor today to see if i have mono or something, because im tired constantly. Could easily be my medications, but its more recent than that. Either way i have to stop trazodone to see if thats what makes me so tired. so now i wont be able to sleep. great.

Cant get off abilify until christmas break. Ugh.

I still eat way too much. My appetite is insatiable.. hmph. It got way better when i was off birth control, so im thinking thats a big contributing factor.

So tired. Dont want to do school work. Don't even want to be awake.

Sucks.

Do you know

how much i just want to give up sometimes? Just stop trying? I try, and it all goes wrong. I try, and its not good enough. Its like im a battery that suddenly goes dead. I need to learn how to recharge before i die (still using the battery metaphor).

But ive made commitments. I cant stop now. I will swallow my pills, and i will keep going.

Sigh.

Anxiety- i hate it i hate it i hate it

I'm trying to manage my anxiety all by myself, with no medication assistance other than the cymbalta which doesnt do anything. no more klonopin, just exercise and meditation and deep breathing for me. I feel like i cant handle it just using those things. I cant. I freak out, i get irritable, there are so many things i simply cannot handle when im this anxious and stressed all the time.

What do normal people think when i say "anxiety" anyway? Anxiety like before you speak in front of a crowd? Anxiety like the first time you drive a car? No. This is NOT that kind of anxiety. This is a rain cloud constantly soaking you to the skin. This is an alarm always firing in your head. This sends electrical pulses to your heart constantly revving you up. I get shaky and im so fatigued mentally and physically from it. I dont know what to do. It's just the way i am.

Is that it? Is it just the way i am?

Sleep

Quick post. I've noticed a trend in posts recently, and well, not so recently, about sleep. Not getting it, having trouble with it, waking up all the time. I know a lot of us are already on sleeping medications, but for those who aren't, i recommend them. Sometimes nothing else will work. And believe me, any side effects of sleeping pills are worth it (other than drowsiness in the daytime), because sleep is so essential to normal functioning.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626275.500-lack-of-sleep-is-a-lot-like-mental-illness.html

This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?

So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences