I'm trying to manage my anxiety all by myself, with no medication assistance other than the cymbalta which doesnt do anything. no more klonopin, just exercise and meditation and deep breathing for me. I feel like i cant handle it just using those things. I cant. I freak out, i get irritable, there are so many things i simply cannot handle when im this anxious and stressed all the time.
What do normal people think when i say "anxiety" anyway? Anxiety like before you speak in front of a crowd? Anxiety like the first time you drive a car? No. This is NOT that kind of anxiety. This is a rain cloud constantly soaking you to the skin. This is an alarm always firing in your head. This sends electrical pulses to your heart constantly revving you up. I get shaky and im so fatigued mentally and physically from it. I dont know what to do. It's just the way i am.
Is that it? Is it just the way i am?
emptiness unraveled is merely an expression.
10.17.2010
Sleep
Quick post. I've noticed a trend in posts recently, and well, not so recently, about sleep. Not getting it, having trouble with it, waking up all the time. I know a lot of us are already on sleeping medications, but for those who aren't, i recommend them. Sometimes nothing else will work. And believe me, any side effects of sleeping pills are worth it (other than drowsiness in the daytime), because sleep is so essential to normal functioning.
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626275.500-lack-of-sleep-is-a-lot-like-mental-illness.html
This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?
So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626275.500-lack-of-sleep-is-a-lot-like-mental-illness.html
This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?
So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences
10.16.2010
Me no likey Abilify
The end of a stressful week.
First, thank you to everyone who reads the rambles of my daily life. You read the accounts of other people for a reason, so i hope i help fulfill your purpose somehow. I'm sure these blogs will be a very valuable record for me. And thank you for encouraging comments, which i will try my best to return again. They never go unappreciated.
Well.. It's been a whirlwind of a week. I've had makeup tests up to my neck, schoolwork, reading, papers, etc. My teachers have been lenient and kind, for the most part. The rest of the weekend will be spent tying up loose ends, because our first quarter marking period is coming to an end. It's awfully stressful, but i did it! And im proud of myself. I have some more reading and i need to work on my paper, but im going over to Jacobs and working on it tomorrow. For some reason, homework is much more enjoyable when he's around.
Today i went to retrieve a few things from the hospital that i left there. It was weird coming back without checking in. I felt a little bad for the people inside, but i know its good for them as it was for me. Then, i went shopping and ate at joe's crab shack. It was deeeeelicious. Also, i saw The Social Network, which i really liked. I enjoyed the character of Mark... his personality was so intriguing. We shared a lot of traits. Except, of course, my wit is not scripted =P
It's cold and flu season, unfortunately, and it's hitting me hard. Nose, throat, fatigue, aches. If anyone knows any good homeopathic remedies, let me know.
I think i'm going to go make some hot chocolate!
Oh, and the Abilify problem. It's making me gain even more weight than my birth control and Depakote previously did. Which adds up quite a bit. But, im trying not to let it worry me, because im going on a stricter diet, and im also starting zumba classes! I'm trying to ward off any further weight gain and possbily lose some as well. I hear this is a very common abilify side effect. i just had to buy new clothes because im growing out of all mine! ugh. awful.
ill have to go for a run tomorrow.
farewell, my medicine is inducing sleep!
First, thank you to everyone who reads the rambles of my daily life. You read the accounts of other people for a reason, so i hope i help fulfill your purpose somehow. I'm sure these blogs will be a very valuable record for me. And thank you for encouraging comments, which i will try my best to return again. They never go unappreciated.
Well.. It's been a whirlwind of a week. I've had makeup tests up to my neck, schoolwork, reading, papers, etc. My teachers have been lenient and kind, for the most part. The rest of the weekend will be spent tying up loose ends, because our first quarter marking period is coming to an end. It's awfully stressful, but i did it! And im proud of myself. I have some more reading and i need to work on my paper, but im going over to Jacobs and working on it tomorrow. For some reason, homework is much more enjoyable when he's around.
Today i went to retrieve a few things from the hospital that i left there. It was weird coming back without checking in. I felt a little bad for the people inside, but i know its good for them as it was for me. Then, i went shopping and ate at joe's crab shack. It was deeeeelicious. Also, i saw The Social Network, which i really liked. I enjoyed the character of Mark... his personality was so intriguing. We shared a lot of traits. Except, of course, my wit is not scripted =P
It's cold and flu season, unfortunately, and it's hitting me hard. Nose, throat, fatigue, aches. If anyone knows any good homeopathic remedies, let me know.
I think i'm going to go make some hot chocolate!
Oh, and the Abilify problem. It's making me gain even more weight than my birth control and Depakote previously did. Which adds up quite a bit. But, im trying not to let it worry me, because im going on a stricter diet, and im also starting zumba classes! I'm trying to ward off any further weight gain and possbily lose some as well. I hear this is a very common abilify side effect. i just had to buy new clothes because im growing out of all mine! ugh. awful.
ill have to go for a run tomorrow.
farewell, my medicine is inducing sleep!
10.09.2010
Back from the Hospital
So, i was moved to an inpatient facility a couple of weeks ago. I just got out a couple days ago, so im updating finally! It was, overall, an okay stay. Very regulated, of course, and when we weren't in therapy we were journaling about our day and telling the doctors how we feel. They took down my Cymbalta to 60 mg, doubled my trazodone, and added Abilify. Just started so im only on 5mg. At least i sleep reeeeeally well. Haha.
I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.
So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.
My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?
jacob and memphis
Rawr!
Still sleepy. Nap time.
She is so the love of my life.
I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.
So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.
My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?
sleeepy!
She is so the love of my life.
8.22.2010
I am insane
Ive been trying to take a break from writing and live life instead of writing about it.. but i must. I'm going crazy in this house, i haven't left all weekend. I drank too much Friday. I started trazodone thursday and it makes my mind so sleepy. but i like it. i wish i were on something better for anxiety, even though i like my cymbalta a lot and it's supposed to help.
I just get so.... mad sometimes. Not just mad. I mean, i want to cause total destruction. I can barely keep myself from grabbing a big, shiny carving knife and stabbing the people im pissed at. I go to bed dreaming of torturing them and cutting their throats. I think it's absolutely terrible, but i just can't stop it when i get that angry. I know im a "danger to myself or others" but i don't know what to do. I'll talk to my tdoc about it when i see him but the next appointment isn't for a few weeks, for some reason. I've been so depressed these past couple days. I just crashed. I've been breaking pencils, throwing things all around my room, leaving food out to rot, separating all the post-its in the pack.. totally unmotivated to do my work.
I found some poems that werent in my poetry notebook. I found them in an older notebook from earlier days of insanity. They are good, and when i have the energy i'll add them to the poetry book. I started running again, too. Im sick of the weight gain since i started these medicines and im going to start keeping it in check. Also, it just helps the stress... I have to get out sometimes. Even if i'm just walking in the heat, it helps.
I do eat too much, but i don't want to go to the opposite extreme again. That wouldn't be good. I'm reading biographies of Albert Einstein and Anne Sexton. I really want to understand her poetry better, and i feel that's one of the keys to it. I dont seem to enjoy fiction much anymore. My life already feels like fiction much of the time...
JH is coming over again soon. He had to go eat with his family, but im in my pajamas and pretty much confined. Being with him makes me feel so much better. But, alas, i still have lab reports to type and projects to finish. Adieu
I just get so.... mad sometimes. Not just mad. I mean, i want to cause total destruction. I can barely keep myself from grabbing a big, shiny carving knife and stabbing the people im pissed at. I go to bed dreaming of torturing them and cutting their throats. I think it's absolutely terrible, but i just can't stop it when i get that angry. I know im a "danger to myself or others" but i don't know what to do. I'll talk to my tdoc about it when i see him but the next appointment isn't for a few weeks, for some reason. I've been so depressed these past couple days. I just crashed. I've been breaking pencils, throwing things all around my room, leaving food out to rot, separating all the post-its in the pack.. totally unmotivated to do my work.
I found some poems that werent in my poetry notebook. I found them in an older notebook from earlier days of insanity. They are good, and when i have the energy i'll add them to the poetry book. I started running again, too. Im sick of the weight gain since i started these medicines and im going to start keeping it in check. Also, it just helps the stress... I have to get out sometimes. Even if i'm just walking in the heat, it helps.
I do eat too much, but i don't want to go to the opposite extreme again. That wouldn't be good. I'm reading biographies of Albert Einstein and Anne Sexton. I really want to understand her poetry better, and i feel that's one of the keys to it. I dont seem to enjoy fiction much anymore. My life already feels like fiction much of the time...
JH is coming over again soon. He had to go eat with his family, but im in my pajamas and pretty much confined. Being with him makes me feel so much better. But, alas, i still have lab reports to type and projects to finish. Adieu
7.30.2010
If pictures are worth so many words..
Today i will mostly blog in photos. You will understand.
I still did not sleep until around 6 am.. Ive tried sleeping aids. I woke up around noon. I'm a little tired.. i need to rest before tonight's performance. I hope it will go well. The mayor is coming! As well as my boyfriend's family. They're very nice. Until then, i'll merely relax. I must conserve my energy and sanity for it! Speaking of sanity.
I still did not sleep until around 6 am.. Ive tried sleeping aids. I woke up around noon. I'm a little tired.. i need to rest before tonight's performance. I hope it will go well. The mayor is coming! As well as my boyfriend's family. They're very nice. Until then, i'll merely relax. I must conserve my energy and sanity for it! Speaking of sanity.
Bleh
7.29.2010
Where did this feeling go?!
Sometimes i feel bad for not posting every day like some people. But i must remember it is my blog to do as i wish. A lot of days i just can't bring myself to write. Anyway, today i got up and realized i forgot to take my medicine last night. I took it later on with lunch, and went back to sleep. I slept until 5 pm ! And then got up because call for Peter Pan is at 6. But i realized all day that i felt GREAT! I had so much energy, i was bouncing around, i was smiling and dancing.. man i miss that feeling. I love that feeling, i feel like me again. You know? My boyfriend could tell how happy i was. I know my brain's just going "Oh, no medicine today guys! PARTY TIME!" But still, its wonderful. On top of that, i added an energy drink, and i felt so good! had a great performance. I want to write, draw, laugh.. its wearing down of course, because i did take my medicine, but i havent taken the stabilizers yet. Those are the ones that drag me down. I may just take a half dose..? Yeah yeah, screwing with your meds is bad, whatever. Tell me something i dont know!
My mind clouds over with suffocating anxiety whenever i think of school starting next month. It's going to be awful. I hate my school, especially football season and all that bullshit. I have extra classes this year, so im going to have tons of homework, along with college apps, and i wont even be able to do theatre due to the time constraint. Im going to wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and sleep... every day... and try not to go back on that rapid roller-coaster. I've had a fairly stable summer, and i'd hate to see that go down the drain.. yet im almost certain it will. Id like to remain positive, but i also cant help but be realistic. The people at my school.. well, they just arent fun to interact with for the most part. Not everyone, granted, but many. It doesnt help social anxiety or whatever. And if there's ever a day where you dont want to be social - god forbid- you become the bitchy loner or something. High schoolers have assbackward logic anyway, so i try not to worry about it.. who cares.
I guess that's all. Nothing much has been going on. Not feeling toooo tempted to SI. Every now and then. Not feeling out of it. Just trying to stay afloat, that's all. Family doesnt help
xx
My mind clouds over with suffocating anxiety whenever i think of school starting next month. It's going to be awful. I hate my school, especially football season and all that bullshit. I have extra classes this year, so im going to have tons of homework, along with college apps, and i wont even be able to do theatre due to the time constraint. Im going to wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and sleep... every day... and try not to go back on that rapid roller-coaster. I've had a fairly stable summer, and i'd hate to see that go down the drain.. yet im almost certain it will. Id like to remain positive, but i also cant help but be realistic. The people at my school.. well, they just arent fun to interact with for the most part. Not everyone, granted, but many. It doesnt help social anxiety or whatever. And if there's ever a day where you dont want to be social - god forbid- you become the bitchy loner or something. High schoolers have assbackward logic anyway, so i try not to worry about it.. who cares.
I guess that's all. Nothing much has been going on. Not feeling toooo tempted to SI. Every now and then. Not feeling out of it. Just trying to stay afloat, that's all. Family doesnt help
xx
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