The Second Coming of Fish-Eye

that is the title of a long poem i am working on. it is based on one of the people i imagine, one of they who keep me sane

I always say i will update, then i just post anew, haha. Lies, lies..

I constantly hear that people are hopeless when they believe nothing matters in the end. They find no motivation, no reason to carry on. I thought about this as i walked along this afternoon.... Believing that nothing *matters* in the sense that people typically mean gives me a feeling of total freedom. It makes me much happier. It isn't stressful, it doesn't cause me worry. All i have to do is be alive, i can concentrate on my constant curiosity and analysis of things. I can spend my life exploring and appreicating what has been put around me on this world, in this particular reality i currently exist in.. If i could explore other realities, alternate universes, i would be a happy camper.
Anyway, I suppose people don't make much sense to me, sometimes.


One of my favorite poems of all time - "Bestiary" by Pablo Neruda. I feel as if he wrote it while looking at my soul.

It is, indeed, frustrating... infinitely frustrating.. to be so seemingly limited in communication with the world outside of humankind. interaction is possible, but it is not the same... i wish it were, the limits are so unfair! There must be some further means of conversing, something outside of traditional language. I have to find the secret. If i must become part of the Earth to fully understand, so be it. Until then i won't stop striving.
I love it all too much.

I am on the decline yet i feel magic. And sort of electric.

I would like to crawl down
into the furnace and let
the plastic melt from me, so i
may be born.

a shell fell into my arms...
knocked down by the storm
a little earth womb between my
clumsy fingertips.

This is the room where my demons live
The walls are blank stares since i took my past down
As if that meant it didn't exist..
Bookshelves lined with worlds and the corner
where i used to cry out for my soul, to pray,
looks lonelier, even, than I. Pitiful.
It begs me to pick up those books, to kiss them
And hold them like holy children again.
Pages and pages waiting to claw my eyes out
with memory and feeling..
Dresses hang in closets without bodies
And nobody to love them.
My old camcorder does not work.
But if it did, there would be nothing
worth capturing
for later

Just old scribbles. See you soon.

Your heart and mine

There is plenty to write about, but i doubt i'll remember the half of it.
Medication rising, stabilizing. But that's whatever. I'm almost into some good free time.. Hopefully my parents will take their pissy pants off soon. they worry and care and blah blah, okay cool, but shit, if you think im making a mistake let me fucking learn from it, okay?
Oh well.

It seems im told to seize the day, yet when i try, im bitched at for not planning enough for the future. Why do i suck at happy mediums?
Oh wait, thats right. Im goddamn bipolar.

Also, i'm really tired.. I feel like i should have more energy than this. Like my human system should be a little more efficient.

My brain is a dead zone.
I think Mother nature set a spark
in the hearts of our developing minds
our advances in consciousness
but we turned it into a forest fire
of greed and arrogance....
utter destruction

Sigh.

I hope nothing matters in the end.

This post will be updated soon.

Not a Duck Duck Duck

not a goose goose goose... haha

3 hour absorption rate? Nox

Mother, let me into your luscious caves. Do not hide secrets from me in your caverns. Even the rosebuds are withering, caked in their own blood.

our intellect assumes instinctively that the world is motionless, things are there and motion is added to them as it were. we try to reconstruct motion starting from motionlessness, but in reality it is motion not things that is primary. things are not entities to which motion is added but mental crystallizations of motion..
it seems to follow from this that the world is essentially mental, each of us is a physical body moving among other physical bodies and subject to all the laws of the physical universe..


created ex nihilo?
i wonder what the world is like apart from my consciousness. not as an object of my perception.

but there is hair burning in the stove, darling, why cant the children spell u-n-i-v-e-r-s-e?


I have had a wonderful day. i smell like boy.

Good Vibrations?

An excess of light.

I am feeling something like an old friend who has grown into a stranger. Something i havent felt in a long time. I like it.

Stable. Normal. Happy, without jumping into hypo. This is so weird.... It never happens...
Social anxiety on a low. Self assurance on a high.

Maybe the new 750mg Depo actually works for me. It's been a long time since i found something with good results.

I heard some lovely tunes today, the music made me see such astounding colors in my mind! It was great. Therapeutic, meditative, and mind blowing.

Aristotle



No one ever creates anything great without a dash of madness.
 
 
http://www.youramazingbrain.org/brainchanges/synesthesia.htm
 

Symbiosis and Leibniz

God, according to Leibniz, is the necessary being which constitutes the sufficient explanation of the totality of contingent things–why the universe is this way rather than any other...

"Human minds are only only aware of a small fraction of the universe. To judge it full of misery on this small fraction is presumptuous."

I've been reading up on and thinking about why humans keep pets. I know they (earlier humans) formed alliances with animals out of necessity (oxen for labor, herd dogs, etc).. But in these days the relationship between owners and their pets seems different, like the pets get all the benefits. So what do humans get out of it? I mean, obviously we like the affection, and caring for something. We're "wired" to be attracted to baby-like faces and to things that need us. Perhaps it's an emotional necessity for some people. Pets become like family members with names and personalities. They're often very easy to communicate with, especially dogs and other social animals (since we as humans are also social animals). We welcome them into the pack, and they readily accept it. Our connections with other species are so important and we so often neglect them

Anyway, just a little thing. I'm exceptionally stable today. I saw my pdoc earlier, only for five or ten minutes so she could up my Depakote and and assign some more bloodwork. But i guess just going makes me feel better about it.

I was put in situations today where, unstabilized, i would have had angry outbursts, crying spells, anxiety, high irritability, and low self esteem. But for the first time in a VERY long time, i was able to talk myself down. I'm almost never that 'in control', and it took a lot of self-encouragement and distracting myself.. and writing. But i mostly wrote abstract ideas, maybe ill put them into poems later.

Strange how we are so animalistic yet we only began to realize it as we became more advanced. We like iambic rhythms that match our heart beats, we like sounds we heard in the womb, we like safety. We are so attracted to the comfort zone which corresponds to the survival instinct.
  And yet sometimes, i feel completely opposite.
Pethaps compassion makes our species less efficient.

I need to learn new languages. Fascinating, to transfer sound into different ideas. My numbers have colors. The brain's patterns of association are incredible.... When im on a high, it's even more astounding. I can weave the webs between the stars like i said before. Every single idea and sound and picture in the world is some sort of grass blade and my mind is the entire complex root system. Sometimes i miss it.

Time for poetry, no?

A thousand voices
Rising to static
Shrieking through windows
Nothing new

Here come the heroes
Strutting down
Soon to be names
In dusty old books

This ceremony, a weddding trail
A gold medal, as important
To your sanity
As pills in a cup, angel

Does the noon star sing to you?

My world is the one
Of dirt under fingernails
Scratches on mauve
And grey walls.

Dusty halls
Echoing
There lie hollow eyes
In the rabbit skull

I will seek
And i will find
The mines
Where the crazies reside

There they
eat each others' toenails
And hee haw at songs
A fetus sings

There i will flourish like David in battle.

Walking in Circles

I pace a lot now.
My body is adjusting better to the new stabilizers, im not feeling like shit all the time. just, you know, often.
I'm concentrating a little better in school.
My teacher had a "talk" with me today about my "issues". It's kind of nice to know that someone notices and cares, though. Most pass me off as lazy or distracted, even though i have always been a brilliant student

I walk in circles. I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor freezing cold the other night.
I woke up with puffy eyes from crying.

So, normally, i have social anxiety.. That means shaking, sweating, stuttering, the works. Today i had an interview! The pressure makes it like ten times worse!
But i think it went okay and that makes me happier, a lot happier.
I have a project to do today and im not looking forward to that :(

I just want to run around ten miles a minute but also i kind of want to lay down for ten years.

Lune

From a journal entry

"Lune is my best friend
Lune looks me in the eye
Lune knows sadness and silence
Lune talks to me when everyone else sleeps and dreams
Lune is caged and limited
Lune does not wander far, Lune waits for the stars to burn out because they are boring!
Lune sees me in the grass with my toes and deep eyes and focuses the light on me
When the clouds make Lune go far away, i am sad, because that means our whispers are muffled
Lune does not die
And Lune speaks to my body threads
so i love Lune
Because i know Lune will never ever leave me"

That is what happens on a high, i am pulled away from my human companions and into my otherworld where the moon, Lune, is my best friend
I could sit for hours and stare at the sky and pour out my thoughts.
Tonight i cannot sleep.
I am adjusting to my latest meds and am feeling rather like i felt before i started them...

My favorite book is The Eleventh Hour. I can recite almost all of it from memory. When i am sad and crying and shaking and panicking, i can usually say it over and over to myself in a meditative way to calm down. I see it as a grand metaphor for the world.... maybe i will explain that later

I could post a poem now.
This is a rough one...
I never knew what to title this one. something about A Monster Named Wednesday.

I am soft. You cannot touch me.
I havve a machine.
I press pretty buttons
And change my mind
one lever at a time, one
after the other. Perfect.
Like little paper dolls.
Dont frown in the mirror all the time!
Build the great wall
Around your sullen eyes.
After all, dolls die
When no one loves them anymore

Me? I was afraid of their wide eyes
So i stayed home
And ate chinese.
I was afraid that you
had more than me
So i never left home.
I locked my plate, crawled into a cave
and gnawed on the flesh of the holy.
the smallest pixels danced for me in leaps
lit sparklers
in my ears, rather
like cocaine.

but i have little soldiers
who march in blue
to take my blues away.
Drum! As the moon looks
through his telescope
('cause he always was a pervert
and lit paths for sinners).

Now sleep!
Sleep, and hope you wake up
with the same face on.
What do stars do while you dream?

Sunday is Easter.
Rocks will fall into the sea.
The Sea bleeds.



and thats all, folks.... hmmm. i feel bland.
humans are so inefficient.
goodnight, fellow robots.