Well, that was definitely mania.

Long story, but i almost withdrew from school to take a semester off.
Im glad i chose to stay though. I got an incomplete in half my work and am finishing the other half. Spacing it out so i have more time to finish. I want to be here next semester. Im leveling out and im pushing myself to finish because i know i'll be glad i did. I know ill be proud of myself. Now, if only i could get some sleep. I have a final Tuesday and a final Thursday, and then i go home for a few weeks. It will be nice to relax for a while.

WOAH GUYS

its been so long since i posted! where has the time gone????
its like time is flying but every day feels so slow....
ive been so depressed that im definitely going manic and im even taking my medicine.. it's weird.. im almost rapid cycling. day-to-day switching, sometimes even in the same day, like depressed in the morning and manic at night
im definitely feeling the crazy coming on and ive been to this rodeo before... i don't like it. Im afraid.
I'm seeking help from my school counselor and my mom is making a pdoc appointment ASAP. i will not end up in the hospital and i will not do something completely stupid..
like tonight i got done studying around 1 am and me and my friend walked back to the dorms playing marry the night and i started dancing on top of random cars in the parking lot even though there were people around i didnt care i just really wanted to dance on a car. i really wanted to light something on fire so i stole a scarf from this guy i hate and i stopped myself though. i havent given it back yet but im going to tomorrow right now im in my bffs room spending the night and i dont feel like leaving again unless i go outside to smoke or something.
ive been smoking copious amounts of marijuana. dear dear...
i need to clean my room and do laundry. also i want to write a song maybe.
in your honest opinion, how bad do i look? just from this post?

I love you guys bye!
xx

Oh, Life... you're so tricky.

Well, im not nearly as sick as I have been. But boy, have I been on an emotional roller-coaster. I've felt terrible, then peaceful, then good, then shitty, then sad, then okay, then angry, then great, then happy, then fucking ridiculous. Its so much i can't even give any details. But, I'm just struggling with choices. Putting myself into situations that may not turn out so well. My reactions to things. Holding my tongue - that's a big one. I let my heart run ahead of me and I say things I later regret.

Overall, the past couple of days have been great. There are minor issues here and there that get me worked up occasionally, but i've done an exceptional job at keeping my chin up and remaining happy. I'm getting used to being me again. Getting used to being unattached again. I can't wait to fully recover from this latest episode and move on with my life. Deepen friendships, have good times, form great memories, and find wonderful people to love. Especially a nice boy. I'm not worried about it, I'm not one of those people who needs relationships to be fulfilled. I just realized that I really deserve a good guy, a good relationship. I deserve to be treated properly, so I'm going to make it happen. Good things come to patient people. I'm just letting the events of my life come as they are, going with the flow. Trying to keep up with school (been hard to concentrate lately - medication thing? I dont know what to do about it), trying to keep up with responsibilities and commitments, but accepting my limits. Knowing where I need to stop to stay healthy. Its a work in progress, and it'll always be something i'll have to think about, but i'm getting better every day. Im stepping back and doing what i need to do, what's good for me - for the first time in a while, i'm truly proud of myself.

I've realized what an amazing support system i have around me that i haven't been taking advantage of. I have so many friends and sisters, and even the ones i'm not as close to, i can still depend on. Ive been having many heart-to-hearts, good conversations, great times, and bonding experiences with people lately. Like i mentioned, my friends all came and took care of me when i was ill, even cleaned and mopped up my room. My dear friend let me cry on his shoulder the other night, and kept asking me how i was doing and if i needed anything. He came outside in the cold at 3 in the morning to talk to me. My other friends always let me vent or give me advice/opinions when i need them... they are always there to listen. I am always there for them as well, and it just amazes me that i haven't opened my eyes to this before. My friends care about me so much that they don't care if i don't like it when they get on to me for slacking off, for making stupid decisions, for letting people walk over me. They will tell me honestly what I am doing wrong and offer any help they can to fix it. I can never thank them enough for what they do. They keep me going. That is what I am thankful for this next week of Thanksgiving.

Im not going to settle for less than I deserve. I'm not going to put myself in a hole again by making poor choices or not taking care of myself. I am going to fight a good fight. I promise myself this.

I wish you peace and good health,
xx

throw me in the landfill

ive been in agony all day. I stayed away from drinking on Friday night, i had gone back home and i went to see a friend's band play at a bar. it was a good time. I came back home, did some campus tours, and worked at a charity auction. I didnt feel very good. Id been at the hospital that morning. I slept until 11pm, and then i got up and went out to the frat houses. Bad Idea number 1. I drank way too much, most of the night is a haze. I fell off the front steps and re-sprained my ankle and its huge and very sore. I have a large scrape on my right knee and some bruises on my left foot and leg. I couldve easily gotten arrested, there were officers all around the KA house, but i walked right past them several times. Anyway, i woke up this morning to puke and continued puking and sleeping in intervals until 5pm. There was nothing in my system all day, i couldnt eat. I tried to drink water and threw it back up. It got so bad that my body was so empty id throw up stomach bile and acids and disgusting bodily fluids and even blood one time. My friends considered taking me to the ER for dehydration because ive been dizzy, weak, unfocused, thirsty, dry mouth, headache, unable to sweat, havent peed since this morning, like fourteen hours ago. If my condition persists ill go to the doctor, but for now im in my room, sipping water and broth. So far im holding it down. I need to sleep but when i close my eyes the room spins and i get nauseous. My friends cleaned my room for me today, including some of my vomit- blech. They were so nice, bringing me food, doing my laundry, cleaning my room... they felt bad that i was in such an awful condition, they also encouraged me to do homework and plan some things for the week. I love them, and im so glad they care about me so much. It really made my day exponentially better to have them around. hopefully i can wake up tomorrow for class. I really need to go to calculus. I also need to complete the homework and finish a paper - i couldnt do anything except try to hold my stomach down today, so i hope my professors will understand. I legit called the hospital to see if anyone there could advise me about whether or not to get IV fluids from the ER, but i was put on hold for like twenty minutes and said fuck it. so, thats my story for today, im going to continue sipping my broth and keeping it in my tummy. i hope i feel better soon.
love to all,
xx

Coming out of my cage and i've been doing just fine

Funny how little moments can bring your whole day down. I felt good, i took a nice nap after work, i was keeping my head held high like ive been trying to do, and then i hear something and overthink it, i blow it out of proportion, and i feel bad again. I'll get over it momentarily, its just not very nice to think about. Boy's been talking to other girls although he "isnt allowed to talk to girls this week" so ive had literally zero contact with him, and i wouldnt care if it weren't those circumstances. I need to talk, because i need support. Im not being selfish, this week has been difficult for me and i've been going through it alone. Ive kept a smile on my face regardless of my struggles, which isnt easy, but im doing it. And i would appreciate it if people wouldn't unnecessarily blow me off when i need them. Thats a completely acceptable thought, right?

Anyway, my day has been uneventful. Ive been tired. Still have no appetite, i've been losing weight but i've been tired. Im also anemic and protein deficient, which doesn't help. I think im almost over my respiratory infection. I re-sprained my ankle today on this damn hilly campus. It hurts, and it kept me out of yoga class today. I'll just do some on my own in my room later, i suppose. I cant really focus, and my brain is fuzzy, but i need to write a paper. I have work to do that i cant seem to concentrate on. Im having a movie night and sleepover with my Big Sister, and that'll be nice. I need it. Ill eat ice cream and cry over my feelings.
Laters!
xx

Hiding in my comfort cave.

Hello all! I've had a very good day today. I woke up awfully tired for work this morning at 8:30, and then i went to Starbucks afterward to sip coffee and work on research. The funniest thing happened while i was there. I was sitting outside, obviously looking a bit frazzled over my work, when a total stranger walks by. The man flashes me a smile, says, "They sure do make things hard on you, huh?" I said yes and smiled back and sort of laughed, and he went inside. A few minutes later he reemerged with his coffe and said "Good luck with everything!" with another big smile. He leaves. I tell him thank you and i sit there, wondering why i feel epxonentially better. I guess encouragement from strangers is really helpful. It was the highlight of my day.
Then, i went back to campus to go to calculus class. I sat there and actually understood the material. I felt productive and functional. i completed my homework and turned it in on time.
I went to the doctor and discovered that yes, i did miscarry. I was only five weeks and several factors including  severe nutrient deficiency and excessive use of caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs influenced the event. It felt sad and i was a little empty for  while. But, i went and relaxed and reflected. I feel okay about it. I decided that despite whats happening, Im going to be happy. Its been too long since i've been happy and i deserve it. Im trying my hardest to always keep my chin up, and things are looking brighter already. I guess its okay because i most likely couldn't have kept the child anyway, even with adoption, but it still isnt the best feeling in the world. Im going back for vaccuum aspiration Thursday as a "just in case" procedure. It looks frightening, but i am a tough woman. Ill get through it and get on with life. Ill definitely talk to my therapist about all of this soon. Our meetings are more rare because of the distance between us now. I do miss him a lot. I had to send the news to the father via his campus mailbox because he isnt allowed to speak to me right now. Its an inconvenient time for lack of communication, but ill do what i must. I hope to hear a response soon. I expect when he reads the news he'll be happy, or relieved. I only hope the circumstances don't push him away.
I just finished a project! I got pretty far on cleaning my room, and i made the area under my bed into a little cave/fort thing. I put my sheets up, i put a sleeping bag and some blankets and pillows under here, along with stuffed animals, food, books, and christmas lights. Its nice and sometimes comforting to retreat to a little space that feels safe. I expect ill just read and relax the rest of the night. I'll do a bit of homework here and there, but im mostly going to eat some soup, listen to music, and get some new books on the Kindle. Should be a nice night and an early bedtime. I hope to wake up in time for 7 o clock yoga class!
There you have it, goodnight and goodluck.
xx

Too much space for one girl.

Nights get very lonely.Usually I have someone to stay with me, but not this week. Unfortunately, this is the time where i could most use someone to hold or even lie next to. But i'm all alone. This room is too big for me. My bed is too big. It's too empty. There's only me. I need a little space where I can curl up, where I feel like i fill all the spaces. I can't seem to fall asleep this way.
At least I was able to eat dinner tonight. I ate more in one meal than i have in a long time, probably because i was so excited to hold food in without getting too sick (I still felt bad, but i held it all down). I ate macaroni and cheese and four rolls. I rarely eat much in the Caf these days. I just don't like it. Honestly, I've been fine with not eating, because I'm still losing weight. Even though i know i should eat, i love the feeling of shedding these disgusting medication pounds. I have begun consciously making the decision to avoid food again. But I'm okay with it. It isn't on a dangerous level yet, and i'll do what i want to do, and i'll take care of myself. Fuck feeling guilty about things. I have enough on my mind without unnecessary negative emotions like that. If i want to eat, i'll eat, and if i don't, i won't.
I also motivated myself to get up and go to the science building to study with some friends. I was proud of myself for doing what i needed to do despite feeling so extraordinarily shitty.
It's now nearing one in the morning, and i have to get up at 8:30 for work. After work, I have the doctor, and after the doctor, i have calculus class. Ill be running around until about two o clock, but after that, i'll be back on the web to update you about my visit. Wish me luck, peace, and wellness. I wish the same for you.
Goodnight. xx

Does Anyone Remember Me?

I haven't posted regularly in ages. I'm still me. I'm still Ana. I've moved cities, started a new college, made new friends, done new things, loved new people, and made new mistakes.
So much has changed, and i almost feel like i've lost myself. I look at old photos and I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger. I miss who I was. I miss how I felt. That's why I'm writing again. Writing used to be so important to me, and it kept me together when I was falling apart. I need a place to put myself out there. I need a place to let these thoughts and feelings go, where you don't know me and I don't hide anything.
I've grown... I'm better at handling stressors (sometimes), I'm on a stable dose of medication, I'm living on my own. But, you know how these things go. You have to ride the waves, and often, when you crash down onto the shore, you want to snap. The past few months that I've been in college, there have been times when I've almost shut down. My mind couldn't handle it and my body couldn't handle it. Too many things, too many responsibilities, too many people and emotions, too much of everything. I've been very physically ill.
I've relapsed into cutting once or twice, i'm slowly relapsing into anorexia, and i'm feeling things that i thought had been gone for a long time. I'm loving and letting go, I'm hurting and crying and smiling and laughing. But I still don't have  that spark in me... The passion i used to have. I had a love for life, with all its ups and downs, and i had a love for art, expression, music, poetry, people. The fire in my eyes has been gone for far too long. Do i even have a personality anymore?
I'm still taking my Lexapro, but i'm not taking my Depakote regularly. It destroys me. I hate myself when I'm on it. Granted, i'll still hate myself off of it sometimes, but I'd suffer the bad for the good any day.
I'm not in a relationship anymore. My boyfriend and I broke up in April, and i stayed single over the summer. I had a few flings, but i mostly focused on myself. Trying to get my own shit together before the semester started. Now I'm here, and I still need to focus on myself, my friends, school, and responsibilities. I have a Boy who often stays the night with me. I sleep with him on a regular basis. We hang out sometimes. It's an odd situation though. I'm trying not to get emotionally involved, so I'm keeping myself as distant as possible. I'm afraid of the same thing as everyone- getting hurt. He has the power to hurt me, and that's terrifying. I can't seem to let him go. It's very close to an addiction. I don't want to love him, but sometimes I worry that I'm beginning to. It's very unhealthy. I think about it often. It's been further complicated by my recent visit to the doctor, where i found out i was pregnant with his child. However, Old Self reemerged and decided it would be a good idea to drown my child in alcohol, tobacco and illicit drugs, and severely deprive him or her of nutrients. My feelings were temporarily lost in a sea of intoxication, and i've been cramping for two days and bleeding. Im going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm my suspected miscarriage.
School is difficult and class is busy. I'm too tired and upset to get my work done sometimes. I'm also anemic and protein-deficient as well as being sick, so i'm having a hard time completing all of my assignments and making good grades. I'm trying very hard, though... I'm about to complete some calculus homework. My second-day hangover prevented me from going to class this morning. I'm able to eat more today, though. I was too sick to eat yesterday, but i didnt really care. I don't enjoy eating very much. All it does is keep me alive, right?
Anyway, that's the summary of my life right now. I'll be posting quite often. I'll explain more of this in detail in the coming days. I love you all.

Im baaaaack.

Its been eight months, i bet you thought i abandoned this blog!
Im ready to start posting again, for several reasons.

-Im stabilized. I have been for months. I found a med combo that works!
-Im about to start college and im a little worried about this college stress + bipolar equation
-I really need to write again!

So here i am. Ill write in more detail later. Right now, im very tired. I have to get some sleep. Night all.

Im proud of myself

I drove a car today!! and id only had half a klonopin haha

I feel a little better. Ive made it through another week. Now all i have to do is get through this semester's finals... and im good to go. Im going to the beach with my boyfriend's family, so that'll be a much needed break for me and my sanity. I can't wait until christmas.

i live with two bitches and one is a dog

my mom sucks a lot sometimes. when she is tired life is alllll about her and not about helping me with my illness. yeah yeah everyone can be selfish sometimes and im like one of the most selfish people on earth, but still. i wanted to spend eleven dollars on art supplies because art therapy helps me feel better when im not doing so good, and she freaked out. eleven dollars is apparently far too much money to spend on my mental health. like i know there are a lot of other expenses too, i get that, what with the psychiatrist, the counseling, the medications, the hospital.. but still, i just dont get the big deal. and when she turns pissy so do i so now im just in an awful terrible mood.
My life right now just sucks because i get anxiety everywhere i go so i cant go anywhere or do anything.. at school i take double my klonopin dose just to get by. in the grocery store i freak out if people make eye contact with me. i think someones going to push me down the stairs or give me a contagious disease. i dont like socializing at all. i can only go places with jacob because i dont feel anxious around me and he really helps me feel better. i feel protected from all those things when im with him. otherwise i just want to stay in my room and read anne sexton and burn incense until i choke.
right now, im just stuffing my face with brownies. i dont even care that im a total fatass. fuckity fuck fuck fuck it.

Off Abilify!

And loving it! I also finally got back to taking klonopin, which really helps my anxiety. Lately i have anxiety in crowds, in cars, in school.. its exhausting. Ive missed school too much because i have felt overwhelmed and i have an ungodly amount of catching up to do. Luckily, my boyfriend is amazing, and when i need cheering up or calming down, hes there. Theres lots more to write about, but i have to jet. Later!

Capture this in a bottle!!

OMG
senses dont make sensei didnt know a clock could tick so much
i cant even walk without falling because gravity doesnt work with my body
physics and quantum mechanics are dusty old words in dusty books in the past because nothing applies anymore. i take up space in this space and so does he and we all press on a key and the key presses against us a simple action and reaction force it makes a sound!
people are talking in places and in my little boxes like in the cupboard or something. dave dane DANE COOK is on the box.
my dog trying nto figure out a strategy to eat the bone as i try and type this out. she tries but its too plastic she tries but its brittle she tries and she tries again.
tick tick tick tick on your neck nothing on your neck
a comfy couch is not enough to hold my back and this laptop feels like...
it is a portal.

i wonder who put this clock here and i wonder why and im all alone

Sucks

I went to the doctor today to see if i have mono or something, because im tired constantly. Could easily be my medications, but its more recent than that. Either way i have to stop trazodone to see if thats what makes me so tired. so now i wont be able to sleep. great.

Cant get off abilify until christmas break. Ugh.

I still eat way too much. My appetite is insatiable.. hmph. It got way better when i was off birth control, so im thinking thats a big contributing factor.

So tired. Dont want to do school work. Don't even want to be awake.

Sucks.

Do you know

how much i just want to give up sometimes? Just stop trying? I try, and it all goes wrong. I try, and its not good enough. Its like im a battery that suddenly goes dead. I need to learn how to recharge before i die (still using the battery metaphor).

But ive made commitments. I cant stop now. I will swallow my pills, and i will keep going.

Sigh.

Anxiety- i hate it i hate it i hate it

I'm trying to manage my anxiety all by myself, with no medication assistance other than the cymbalta which doesnt do anything. no more klonopin, just exercise and meditation and deep breathing for me. I feel like i cant handle it just using those things. I cant. I freak out, i get irritable, there are so many things i simply cannot handle when im this anxious and stressed all the time.

What do normal people think when i say "anxiety" anyway? Anxiety like before you speak in front of a crowd? Anxiety like the first time you drive a car? No. This is NOT that kind of anxiety. This is a rain cloud constantly soaking you to the skin. This is an alarm always firing in your head. This sends electrical pulses to your heart constantly revving you up. I get shaky and im so fatigued mentally and physically from it. I dont know what to do. It's just the way i am.

Is that it? Is it just the way i am?

Sleep

Quick post. I've noticed a trend in posts recently, and well, not so recently, about sleep. Not getting it, having trouble with it, waking up all the time. I know a lot of us are already on sleeping medications, but for those who aren't, i recommend them. Sometimes nothing else will work. And believe me, any side effects of sleeping pills are worth it (other than drowsiness in the daytime), because sleep is so essential to normal functioning.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626275.500-lack-of-sleep-is-a-lot-like-mental-illness.html

This article says that a lack of sleep is comparable to certain signs of mental illness. These results were seen in brain scans of sleep deprived healthy people. Now, if a lack of sleep is that bad for a "healthy" individual, it's much, much worse for someone who is already mentally ill. You know?

So, i'm saying i'm not usually on the "go pop a pill" train, because i have a lot of experience in that area for my age. I'm not too sure about a lot of things, medication-wise. But i am sure that if i believed in heaven, i'd believe sleeping pills were sent from it. I think that if nothing else works, take sleeping pills, because the benefits definitely outweigh the negative consequences

Me no likey Abilify

The end of a stressful week.

First, thank you to everyone who reads the rambles of my daily life. You read the accounts of other people for a reason, so i hope i help fulfill your purpose somehow. I'm sure these blogs will be a very valuable record for me. And thank you for encouraging comments, which i will try my best to return again. They never go unappreciated.

Well.. It's been a whirlwind of a week. I've had makeup tests up to my neck, schoolwork, reading, papers, etc. My teachers have been lenient and kind, for the most part. The rest of the weekend will be spent tying up loose ends, because our first quarter marking period is coming to an end. It's awfully stressful, but i did it! And im proud of myself. I have some more reading and i need to work on my paper, but im going over to Jacobs and working on it tomorrow. For some reason, homework is much more enjoyable when he's around.

Today i went to retrieve a few things from the hospital that i left there. It was weird coming back without checking in. I felt a little bad for the people inside, but i know its good for them as it was for me. Then, i went shopping and ate at joe's crab shack. It was deeeeelicious. Also, i saw The Social Network, which i really liked. I enjoyed the character of Mark... his personality was so intriguing. We shared a lot of traits. Except, of course, my wit is not scripted =P

It's cold and flu season, unfortunately, and it's hitting me hard. Nose, throat, fatigue, aches. If anyone knows any good homeopathic remedies, let me know.
I think i'm going to go make some hot chocolate!

Oh, and the Abilify problem. It's making me gain even more weight than my birth control and Depakote previously did. Which adds up quite a bit. But, im trying not to let it worry me, because im going on a stricter diet, and im also starting zumba classes! I'm trying to ward off any further weight gain and possbily lose some as well. I hear this is a very common abilify side effect. i just had to buy new clothes because im growing out of all mine! ugh. awful.
ill have to go for a run tomorrow.

farewell, my medicine is inducing sleep!

Back from the Hospital

So, i was moved to an inpatient facility a couple of weeks ago. I just got out a couple days ago, so im updating finally! It was, overall, an okay stay. Very regulated, of course, and when we weren't in therapy we were journaling about our day and telling the doctors how we feel. They took down my Cymbalta to 60 mg, doubled my trazodone, and added Abilify. Just started so im only on 5mg. At least i sleep reeeeeally well. Haha.

I really enjoyed being there sometimes. It was nice to get away from the stress of home and school work. We only had two hours of school work per day, so im pretty behind. But, i think ill be okay. I liked being around other people my age with similar problems, even if some didnt seem so similar. Also, as a plus, i got to see a few people get tranquilized due to psychotic outbursts and things like that. Fun stuff.

So, im learning to cope with stress in positive ways, regulate my eating patterns, sleep well at night, meditate, blah blah blah. "Communicate my emotions." I know its all good stuff. And im lucky i have a good counselor who i like and can talk to. Im trying not to overeat but those medications.. they do make it hard. At the hospital, the nurses forgot my birth control pills, so im all messed up and my hormones are out of whack. Sigh.

My puppy is growing up big and healthy (though right now she is still tiny and cute ^.^ ) We adopted her from the shelter two weeks ago. Her name is Memphis, as in Egypt, or as in Tennessee. She's a Golden Retriever mix, but she practically looks full golden. She's beautiful, soft, smart, and sweet as can be. Pictures, yes?

sleeepy!

 jacob and memphis

 Rawr!

Still sleepy. Nap time.



She is so the love of my life.

I am insane

Ive been trying to take a break from writing and live life instead of writing about it.. but i must. I'm going crazy in this house, i haven't left all weekend. I drank too much Friday. I started trazodone thursday and it makes my mind so sleepy. but i like it. i wish i were on something better for anxiety, even though i like my cymbalta a lot and it's supposed to help.

I just get so.... mad sometimes. Not just mad. I mean, i want to cause total destruction. I can barely keep myself from grabbing a big, shiny carving knife and stabbing the people im pissed at. I go to bed dreaming of torturing them and cutting their throats. I think it's absolutely terrible, but i just can't stop it when i get that angry. I know im a "danger to myself or others" but i don't know what to do. I'll talk to my tdoc about it when i see him but the next appointment isn't for a few weeks, for some reason. I've been so depressed these past couple days. I just crashed. I've been breaking pencils, throwing things all around my room, leaving food out to rot, separating all the post-its in the pack.. totally unmotivated to do my work.

I found some poems that werent in my poetry notebook. I found them in an older notebook from earlier days of insanity. They are good, and when i have the energy i'll add them to the poetry book. I started running again, too. Im sick of the weight gain since i started these medicines and im going to start keeping it in check. Also, it just helps the stress... I have to get out sometimes. Even if i'm just walking in the heat, it helps.
I do eat too much, but i don't want to go to the opposite extreme again. That wouldn't be good. I'm reading biographies of Albert Einstein and Anne Sexton. I really want to understand her poetry better, and i feel that's one of the keys to it. I dont seem to enjoy fiction much anymore. My life already feels like fiction much of the time...

JH is coming over again soon. He had to go eat with his family, but im in my pajamas and pretty much confined. Being with him makes me feel so much better. But, alas, i still have lab reports to type and projects to finish. Adieu